Addition by Subtraction

Even More Ed!

2009-07-14T09:14:00.004-04:00

An interview with Ed from Atlanta Magazine.

[Andy's] more of the Connecticut blue-blood douche bag, if you will. And I relish playing that character because as a Southerner I just like to make fun of that guy. He’s just kind of a contemptuous guy, and yet I also sort of adore him because he’s insecure and vulnerable at times, so I try to give him a heart. There are certain archetypes that are not region-specific that apply to frat boys or a cappella nerds or whatever, and I think that’s something that everyone just gets. And Andy is part frat boy, part a cappella nerd, and I think it doesn’t matter where you’re from, where you went to college, if you went to college—you kind of just get that.

and

I’m actually primarily a guitar player. And I’ve played piano my whole life but never really got great at it, but I can noodle around. And then as a huge bluegrass fan my whole life, I’ve been playing banjo kind of all along as well. It’s funny, actually, in the last couple of years, banjo’s kind of taken the front seat, I’ve been really working on that more. I just love it so much, I don’t know what it is!

(Can we just change that second to last "it" to Iko?)

Here's a picture from "The Hangover" premiere in London, it looks like they each still have their correct jackets, no? Guess the switch happened later. Also, I love Ed's Harry Potter-style glasses!

Ed at the "Bruno" premiere in L.A.:

Argyle!

And, just so everyone realizes how popular Ed's becoming, here's a paparazzi picture of Ed at the airport - just like Lauren Conrad!!

He's so cute - carrying his banjo around with him!

A Little Ed for Your Monday Morning

2009-07-13T11:48:00.004-04:00

Here's an article on Ed from GQ, it's short, but it comes with this picture:

And, also, because I'm so far behind in posting relevant Ed info., here's his appearance on TDS, which was both hilarious and adorable - him and Bradley switching jackets in London? What WERE they doing?

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Ed Helms

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Joke of the Day

The montage at the end was priceless.

ZOMG! Best TV News EVER!

2009-06-13T13:39:00.002-04:00

Click here and look at the top left corner.

"Top Chef: Masters" Episode 1 - Teaching the Masters how to Shop and Microwave

2009-06-12T12:57:00.003-04:00

So, how did we all feel about the first episode? I was really looking forward to it, but was a little concerned about famous chefs having hissy fits and ego-offs, thereby ruining the entire show for me, but I'm pleased to say, I really enjoyed it! Maybe it was just a result of the four chefs they happened to get for the first show, or maybe it was the challenges themselves, but each of the chefs really put out some effort and hid their attitudes away. They were all so gracious and supportive of each other, with some mild banter thrown in. I found myself smiling and laughing right along with them at the ridiculousness that was none of them knowing how to use the microwave and the Girl Scouts reaming the desserts. I can only hope the other batches of chefs are as classy and grateful to be there, competing for charity, as Keller, Love, Lee, and Schlow.

I was pulling for Hubert Keller from the moment he walked into the kitchen - you could just tell he was happy to be there, competing for his charity, ready for whatever they threw at him. He also really impressed me with his line about being on the "other side" of the competition, as he had judges the "Top Chef" contestants before. It made me like him even more to know he thought it was only fair to take it if he was going to dish it out. Just a great chef, classy guy, and a DJ to boot! Tim Love was my second favorite, as I had watched his cooking while travel across the country on horseback on TV and really enjoyed his laid back approach to cooking and life. I hadn't really heard of Lee or Schlow before, but they both seemed ready to go - Lee came across as kind of pissy sometimes (at least to me, let me know if I'm far off base here) and Schlow, I felt so badly for him, his dessert probably would have been amazing if it wasn't for the GE ovens crapping out on him - strong advertisement for your product, GE!!

The Quickfire was great, in my opinion. It's true - none of these chefs probably make dessert, like, ever in their restaurants, but it's fair that they should have a few desserts up their sleeves, especially one that would impress some kids. To be fair, kids are very critical and definitely will not eat bad food, but probably don't want extremely complex flavor profiles and odd combination. I think they all did well (minus the obvious Schlow-issues), but Keller was clearly head and shoulders above the rest. Shamelessly playing to his customers with the swan and mouse, all the while making a delicious, simple dessert, recognizable to the girls, but also showing his beautiful French technique and culinary skill. Lee probably made a misstep with the caramelization on the French toast, that lightly charred flavor is great for adults, not so good for kids, while Love's chocolate covered strawberry was right on the mark, but I'm with the scouts - chicken-fried strawberry does NOT sound appetizing at all.

It was great to see the reactions of the chefs to the Girl Scouts - they were right, the girls were tough on them. That one definitely should be a food critic, she was having none of the, shall we say, less well-made desserts. Not that I expected the chefs to start bad-mouthing kids on TV, but I liked how they took it all in stride and laughed along with one another.

The Elimination Challenge, for me, was interesting in concept, but kind of lacked in execution. I mean, it certainly is a challenge to cook using only a toaster oven, microwave, and a hot plate in a dorm room, but it's also kind of gross, no? I mean, did they clean the rooms before having people prepare food in them? When Keller rinsed the pasta in the shower, had it recently been used? Was it the men's bathroom? Was the shower sanitized directly before he stuck the shower head into the pasta? These are all questions I would have liked answered before I dug into his (admittedly delicious-looking) mac and cheese. That said, I was wholly impressed with what the chefs were able to turn out using such limited space and equipment. Especially for poor Tim Love, having to defrost everything before cooking it - he really stepped it up, for a while I thought he had it in the bag.

My favorite dishes were the mac and cheese (even with the shower rinse), Schlow's salmon crudo, and Lee's pork chop (I don't know how he managed to sear a piece of meat using a hot plate). That's not to say the rest of the dishes weren't impressive, these were just my personal favorites. Although, I do agree with Jay Rayner (pirate guy), it is a bit of a cop out with limited cooking equipment to just not cook anything. That said, I would have just cut up some sashimi and called it a day for all three courses.

As for "Critic's Table," what to say? I guess it's fine - clearly none of the critics are going to go all Colicchio-style and rip these famous, well-established chefs a new one. The criticism was pretty mild, as it should be, unless there's a huge debacle. These guys know what they're doing so criticizing them is like splitting hairs - it's more an issue of personal taste, rather than an objective issue of whether the food is good or not. I guess they're going to have a revolving door of critics for each initial round, but I wonder if they'll have a set group of critics who review the final six chefs, down to the final two? Or maybe a few permanent critics and one rotating one, more in the "Top Chef" vein?

A couple of observations:
1. I LOVE how the masters get a Lexus to chauffeur them around town, rather than the Old Navy of Lexus - a Toyota, like the regular old "Top Chef" contestants do. When the camera zoomed in on the "L" I nearly spit my wine across the room in amusement.

2. Kelly Choi has less personality than Padma (if that's possible) and seems to be completely out of her league. They couldn't find someone to host, who can also speak intelligently about food? Maybe it was just the first episode, so I'll give her a slight pass, but, seriously?

3. The mini-segment of them all trying to figure out the microwaves, then giving up, was comedy gold. I would have watched an entire hour of Hubert Keller cursing in french, trying to make the thing heat up his mustard sauce.

4. Hubert Keller being confused by Whole Foods was simultaneously hysterical and sad. Does he not go shopping for himself? Like for the food he has at home in his fridge?

5. Jay Rayner, seriously, is one puffy shirt away from being a pirate.

All in all, it was a great opening for the show and definitely makes me want to tune in again for next week. I do like how the chefs are in groups of four, so even if one is really irritating, chances are you'll never have to see him/her again, or at least not for another few weeks if they win. I'm thrilled with the Keller win and can't wait to cheer him on five weeks from now. Unless John Besh gets in, too, then it's on like the prawn who yawns at dawn!!

ZOMG!!!EDBOWTIE!!!!

2009-06-05T09:00:00.001-04:00

Ahem. That is all.

Actually, also - go see "The Hangover," opens today.

I Stalked Spike in DC and So Can You!!

2009-06-03T18:05:00.011-04:00

So, I went to DC last weekend for a brief vacation. Clearly, for me, the main reasons to go were to find Stephen Colbert's portrait (it's been moved from the National Portrait Gallery where I saw it last time) and to eat a lot of good food. Both were accomplished:

Stephen is now in the American History Museum on the Mall, on third floor just outside the entertainment exhibit. It was pretty awesome to see the portrait some prominently displayed in the museum, rather than in the inglorious location next to the bathrooms, above the water fountains:

although this space looks pretty lonely without Stephen's stern face looking down upon the masses.

Aside from going to a bunch of the museums, we wanted to eat at a few new places, too. Clearly, Jaleo was a no brainer, due to the assortment of delicious meats available:

(that's hanger steak with piquillo peppers, the unparalleled Jamon Iberico, and garlic shrimp with sauteed snow peas with romesco sauce in the background - from top to bottom).

Also on the dining menu were Cafe Mozart, a lovely German restaurant in the back of a small German market on H Street, near 13th and Potenza, an Italian place also on H by 15th. Both were good (Potenza was a little trendy, but delicious) and good additions to the restaurants we will frequent often on future trips to DC. For lunch we went to Potbelly's for sandwiches one day, always good, and Good Stuff Eatery the other.

Yes, that's right. Good Stuff Eatery. Like Spike Mendelsohn from "Top Chef" season 4's restaurant. Like douche-hat's restaurant. Spike, the one chef mercilessly hounded by everyone on the interwebs for his douchey attitude and general ridiculous/cocky behavior. And his poor choice of head wear. Repeatedly bashed by yours truly. That Spike. And you know what? I'm sorry I said anything bad about him.

When we got there, the place was packed. We got online and immediately saw Spike behind the counter, working hard expediting, right alongside all the other people working there. I wanted to say something to him but he was so busy, I felt badly interrupting him while he was working, espeically since they were so busy, so we just placed our order and I went to find a table upstairs while BMG waited for the food. If you look really hard in the background, you can see Spike with his hat on the line:

We had to wait a while for our food, since it was so busy and everything is cooked to order, but we finally got our food:

Bacon Cheeseburger

Turkeyburger and fries

Chocolate shake

All were delicious. The turkeyburger (mine) was so well seasoned and all the toppings (I got everything on it - avocado, munster, "good stuff" sauce) worked so well together. The fries were a bit on the non-crispy side for my liking, but the flavor was awesome. The chocolate shake was fabulous and I'm guessing the bacon cheeseburger was good, since BMG polished that bad boy off without any problems. And, one would think that was the end of the story - see Spike, eat his food, leave Spike's restaurant and go see the Capitol.

Oh no, it gets so much better. While we were eating, Spike came upstairs to sit with business partner (?) - I only think this because she came out of a secret room upstairs and started talking to two people, who turned out to be Food Network (!!) producers. Right at the next table. I started to silently freak out and tried to figure out how I could get a picture with him, without rudely interrupting his conversation. Why would you want to take a picture with him, Iko? After all the bashing? Because of BW and this text conversation:

Iko: I'm at Good Stuff Eatery = douche hat Spike's burger place!! Douche hat is here!!
BW: No way!!! Pics please! OMG! You need a pic for your blog!
(then a bunch of useless conversation happened)...
BW: Is douche hat Anderw there? (Aside 1: HAHAHAHA, nice memory, BW!)
Iko: Ha! N, I wish! But, Spike is wearing his douchey hat!
(10 minutes later)
Iko: He's sitting right next to me talking to some Food Network producers about challenging Michael Symon on Iron Chef!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Aside 2: OK, I was really freaking out here)
BW: OMG! OMG!
BW: I'm jealous of your hobnobbing with douchey Food Network stars! (Aside 3: strong use of hobnobbing)

At this point, Spike had left to go downstairs and make some burgers for the two producers, the Obama burger and the Smokehouse burger. I was clearly upset as I had missed my chance at a picture while he was leaving to go downstairs, due to my shyness/inability to talk to people when they appear to be busy. But, just as we were about to leave, Spike returned with the burgers for the producers. He deposited them on their table and talked with them for a minute, then turned to leave - so I jumped up and cornered him! And asked if I could take a picture with him, but only if he wasn't too busy. And you know what? He was awesome. He joked about being too busy to take the picture, then totally posed with me. And, he even went on to make sure we liked the food, asked what we had, and talked with us a bit about where we were from and how we were liking DC. Seriously, I take back my comments about his douchiness from my "Top Chef" recaps. All of them. I still agree that he was extremely not-right in the highly edited show Bravo showed up, but will posit that this is perhaps not what his actual personality is like. Maybe he's mellowed in his douchiness or maybe he was just in a good mood because he's going to be on "Iron Chef," but I believe he's quite charming and pleasant. And I'm happy his business is doing so well.

Success! I have now sunk to a new low - stalking sub-moderately famous people from Bravo Reality TV. For my next trick, I'll find some of those "Real Housewives of NJ" ladies and go for cocktails with them.

More Ed

2009-06-03T09:36:00.003-04:00

Lots and lots of Ed interviews about "The Hangover" this week:

From Blast Magazine, from NY Daily News, and an article about the movie from the NY Times.

Also, apparently Ed, Bradley Cooper, and Justin Bartha were dragged to the increasingly ridiculous MTV Movie Awards to introduce someone. However awful the awards must have been, Ed clearly made it somewhat better:

I'm liking that his staunch support of argyle continues...also, is it just me, or does Bradley Copper's jacket look two sizes too small? I feel like that's as far as he can lift his arms without exposing his abs.

ETA: There's another interview here, too.

Ha! Found it for you, PW

2009-06-02T13:32:00.001-04:00

The Hangover Movie "Stu's Song" Restricted - watch more funny videos

Ed Helms Quote of the Day

2009-05-23T14:43:00.003-04:00

Lots of Ed probably this week and next - "The Hangover" is soon!! I heart his use of the words "azure" and "oasis."

Ed Helms, also known as Andy Bernard on "The Office," was at the Ritz in Boston yesterday to promote his new buddy comedy, "The Hangover," which hits theaters June 5. We were the last of about 200 interviews Helms (left) did to hype the film, so he challenged us to ask him something he'd never been asked before. Our question? "When shooting 'The Hangover,' did you ever get lost in costar Bradley Cooper's eyes?' Helms, who was admittedly surprised by the question, quickly answered yes. "His eyes are crazy. It's like a little azure oasis in a desert of beautiful skin tone." Helms added, "To be clear, I'm straight." Helms also took a moment to make it clear that he's not a professional banjo player. He's read some biographies of himself that imply he's a "world-class" banjoist - but really, it's just a hobby. "I can hold my own, but I have friends who are insane banjo players." Helms went on to say that he's a big fan of the Boston bluegrass scene. When he visited his sister in Brookline last Christmas, he spent an evening at the Cantab Lounge to check out a jam session. He's also a devoted follower of the local act Crooked Still. "Those guys are . . . insane." Helms knows plenty about music and life in these parts. Not only is his sister a local, most of his "Office" castmates (including Mindy Kaling, B.J. Novak, and Steve Carell) have Boston roots. Helms said they bring a nice "Yankee smugness" to "The Office" set. That said, Helms was quick to make it clear that his favorite Bay-State-bred pal is Rob Corddry. The two worked together when Helms was a correspondent on "The Daily Show."

Ed Helms Post of the Day - "The Hangover" Update 2

2009-05-22T14:15:00.002-04:00

Oh, so much goodness - many videos of Ed promoting "The Hangover." So, so many. Also good new - Bradley Cooper's there, too, BW, a little something just for you!

Ed Helms interview here.

Ed, Zach, and Bradley interview here and here.

Mike Tyson (and Ed) here:

I'm so excited to go see this when it come out in two weeks, it's not even funny.

Things I'm Excited About: "Top Chef Masters"

2009-05-20T10:32:00.002-04:00

So, without weekly recaps of the happenings at Bravo's "Top Chef," there's very little for me to write about on AbS these days, since I haven't been on any exciting adventures recently, or cooked anything extraordinary recently. I promise I will soon - I'm headed to DC over Memorial Day weekend Boston the weekend after that, so I'm sure I'll have some fascinating things for the two people who follow my blog to read! Hopefully dinner at Jaleo and a trip to the National Portrait Gallery are in store for DC, and we're definitely headed to Fenway for a game in Boston, which I am incredibly excited about, having never been to a game at Fenway (I have been to Fenway before, though, which is a whole different story, one involving Bernie Williams and a very flammable VW Jetta). Luckily, mostly for you guys, Bravo knew I had a dearth of things to rant about and developed a fantastic show about which I will subject you to weekly musings: "Top Chef Masters." It premiers Wednesday, June 10 at 10 pm on Bravo and will clearly be the fourth best thing to watch over the summer (behind 1. "Burn Notice," 2. "Psych," and 3. "Leverage") and probably the best thing on Wednesday nights (aside from Yankees games).

The show is basically "Top Chef," but with already established, arguably very famous, chefs. One difference, I'm assuming due to the logistics of using chefs with restaurants and other obligations, is that the competition is set up in stages, with six sets of four chefs competing, each group on one day for six weeks. The six winners will then compete over the remaining four weeks, I assume with one chef eliminated over the first three weeks, then a three-way finale showdown. This is clearly necessary with this group of people, but it seems some chefs could be really screwed over, based on the group in which they are placed. We'll see.

The format otherwise is the same, with the exception of the Quickfire challenge being judged BLINDLY (interesting) and focusing on testing the basic skills of these master chefs. I like the blind judgment, honestly, so the judges will not be influenced by whose food they're tasting, since, with this group of chefs, bias is a huge factor. I'm also a huge, huge fan of testing the basic skills of the chefs, as many of them have probably not shopped an onion in a restaurant for YEARS, yet how can you be a great chef if you're missing, or have lost, that basic skill set? A test of these skills is a great way to see which chefs are both fundamentally sound and also creatively gifted, which are, in my opinion, the two most important qualities in a master chef. As far as the Elimination Challenge goes, it seems to be similar to regular Top Chef, per the Bravo website:

The second challenge is a more involved elimination challenge designed to test the versatility and invention of the chefs as they take on unique culinary trials such as working with unusual and exotic foods or catering for demanding clients.

Right? That's basically old school Top Chef. I cannot wait to see what these guys come up with - I imagine we'll be in for a treat, getting to see what all these great chefs come up with on the fly. Additionally, they're each competing for a charity of their choosing, which is fantastic, but, clearly, the drama with that many egos in one room will be the star of the show.

Speaking of the chefs, who are they? Well, the list is here, but I'll give you a few highlights:

Anita Lo - Her restaurant, Annisa, is on my list of places to go in NYC and any recipes I've seen of hers have been amazing. Oh, and also, Rickshaw Dumpling Bar. How can that be bad?

Wylie Dufresne - arguably the most well known Top Chef Masters contestant, with the increased interest on molecular gastronomy over the past few years, Wylie and his restaurant, WD-50 have become more popular. I'm kind of torn about actually visiting his restaurant (another long story, one not involving Bernie Williams or a flammable Jetta), but I'm leaning more towards going for the experience. I do, however, really like Wylie, and his previous work as a judge on "Top Chef" has led me to regard him as thoughtful and fair, plus, I'm so interested to see what kind of stuff he comes up with for the challenges, more so than any other chef.

Rick Bayless - yes, there was some drama surrounding Rick Bayless involving the sponsorship of a certain Burger King sandwich. Yes, that made him lose some of his foodie street cred. Did it make a worse chef? No. Is his restaurant, Frontera Grill, awesome? Oh, yes it is. I ate there in Chicago a few years ago and it was fantastic. Also fantastic? The fact that I saw Rick Bayless, in the kitchen and in the dining room, wearing chef whites. Was he actually cooking? I don't know, but he was in his restaurant, which is more than I can say for most chefs the general public is familiar with.

Michael Chiarello - maybe he's the most well known chef, because of his show on Food Network a few years ago? I like Michael Chiarello a lot. I liked his show on FN and his style of cooking. It's very similar to mine, simple, good ingredients, lots of wine. I'm probably going to root for him to win, although maybe seeing him on TV will change my mind, we'll see. Regardless, I'm very interested to see what he makes when the producers make the chefs cook a four star meal from a vending machine (come in, you KNOW that's going to be one of the first challenges!).

As far as the judges go, I don't know what to say. I haven't heard of any of them, except Gael Greene, of whom I'm not a fan. There's also this guy (Jay Rayner):

who, as BW put it, kind of looks like a pirate, which should make blogging about him interesting (be prepared for a lot of "arrrrrrrs" thrown in after any quotes by him.

There are some videos posted on Bravo's website, if you want to get to know the chefs before the show starts, you know, while you're bored at work or whatever. Also, expect witty and biting commentary from me, every Thursday after the show airs. Or you know, a recap with me drooling over the food.

"Top Chef Masters" Wednesday nights at 10 pm on Bravo, starting June 10.

Ed Helms Post of the Day

2009-05-15T18:13:00.005-04:00

From Office Tally:

The writers of "The Office" really need to find more ways to work the cast's musical talents into the show. Especially Ed and his awesome banjo! And Ed singing. And Ed dancing. And Ed playing the sitar. And Creed, just being Creed.

Braised Pork Tacos

2009-05-14T10:00:00.000-04:00

(This is really old. I've been hanging onto these pictures for a few months now, and I finally figured it was time to write a post about them. Also, I really want this book, which just came out, and seeing it reminded me to post about tacos.)

After reading a bunch of posts on Serious Eats on a Saturday morning a few months ago, I had a craving for pulled pork tacos, so, it was off to Wegman's to get the ingredients:

Pork Shoulder
Onions
Garlic
Canned tomatoes with green chilis
Assorted spices and herbs
Chicken stock
Corn tortillas
Assorted toppings and sides (you'll see them, but the sides are another whole post in themselves).

Once back home, I immediately marinated the pork shoulder:

It was a while back, but I think I see lime juice, lime zest, whole hunks of lime (I like limes), cilantro, chili powder (a secret blend), cumin, olive oil, and black pepper. I probably threw some chopped garlic in there, too. If I liked things spicy, I'd put in a few fresh chilis, but I don't really like the heat, so I left them out. You guys can add them, though.

After the pork marinated for a bit (I think like 3 or 4 hours, you could definitely marinate it for longer though, but I'd cut back on the acid if you're marinating overnight), I took the pork out of the fridge and brought it up to room temperature. Then, I browned it in my awesome 5 1/2 quart Le Creuset french Oven:

After shot:

First, please ignore my filthy stove, I've since cleaned it. Second, as you can see, there was some burning of the spices at the bottom of the oven - no worries, just take the pork out, rinse out your pot, and start browning your onions (you do NOT want that burned chili powder taste in your tacos, believe me):

Notice the pork resting patiently before it's bath on the side.

Once the onions were browned, I added a few cracked cloves of garlic and some tomato paste and cooked that for about 1 minute. Then I added the pork back in, along with some chicken stock and a 14-oz can of tomatoes with green chilis, enough liquid to come about 2/3 of the way up the side of the pork.

Next, I brought the whole mixture up to a simmer on the stove, skimmed off the excess fat and foamy stuff that came to the surface, turned the heat way, way down and covered the pot. I braised it until the pork was falling apart (I have no idea how long, as I no longer remember what size pork shoulder I bought, but it was probably in the neighborhood of 3 -4 hours). I periodically skimmed the braising liquid and kept the liquid at a very low simmer. Once the pork was done, I shredded it up and placed it neatly on a plate along with some other taco toppings, cheese, cilantro, and a chimichurri-like sauce:

I guess it's hard to be neat with a big mass of shredded pork.

Then, I made up a nice plate for myself, two tacos, some black beans, and some corn:

DE-lish. I think I had some wine, but this would be even better with some freshly made margaritas. You can get a head start on the drinking while the pork is braising. It makes the 4 hours go by even more quickly.

Happy Birthday to Stephen Colbert!

2009-05-13T10:35:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday, Stephen! For more Stephen, visit the delightful nofactzone.net or Colbert Nation. In honor of Stephen's day, please watch this amazing clip of his dancing ability:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Rain Dance-Off

colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Gay Marriage

It's almost as good as the Andrew Bernard clip from last week's episode of "The Office."

Pizza: Before and After

2009-05-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

Before:

Before:

After:

After After:
I didn't' take a picture, but imagine and empty cutting board, with only the faintest traces of pizza having been there - a few crumbs, a bit of cheese...

Basic Margarita Pizza:
1 ball of Whole Wheat Pizza Dough (from Whole Foods, I'm sorry - I hate making my own pizza dough, or anything made with flour, in general. I hate the way flour feels against your hands as you knead dough and I especially HATE how it gets everywhere in your kitchen. Seriously, I make one batch of cookies and I have to clean flour off my counters and from behind random crevices for like a week. It sucks).
About 5 Campari Tomatoes, thinly sliced
1 large ball of Fresh Mozzerella
Freshly Grated Parmesan Cheese to taste
About 5 large Basil Leaves
Salt and Pepper
Olive Oil

Preheat oven to 450 F.

Press the dough out to a large rectangle on a lightly greased cookie sheet (I used PAM to grease it, mostly because I had some left over from making these delicious cookies for Christmas).

Top dough with slices of mozzarella, tomato, and basil.

Sprinkle with salt and pepper.

Grate Parmesan cheese over the top.

Drizzle a little bit of olive oil over the top and bake for around 15 minutes.

Take out of oven, place on cutting board and cut into squares.

Take plates and silverware out of cabinet and open a bottle of wine.

Ignore plates, silverware, and wine and eat the entire pizza while standing over the cutting board.

Have the bottle of wine for dessert.

Ed Helms Post of the Day - "The Hangover" Update

2009-05-11T09:34:00.003-04:00

Have I mentioned how excited I am to see this? I don't think I have...it's like, "Dude, Where's My Car," only infinitely better because it contains Ed Helms, Mike Tyson punching bitches, and a tiger. Oh, and Bradley Cooper, even though he looks like a sleaze-bag in this movie.

Trailer 1:

Here's an interview with Ed about the movie. Some highlights:

No, I'm not tight with Nick Cannon the way Zach is. Zach and Nick go way back. I think Nick is one of Zach's biggest comedy influences. Plus. there's a lot of tension. I had a really rough breakup with Mariah Carey. Awkward.

and

You know what? Yeah. I think I'm pretty nerdy in real life. I've had glasses since second grade.

Trailer 2:

I'm trying so, so hard to find the trailer on You Tube with Ed singing, but I can't find it anywhere!! If someone else sees it, please let me know so I can post it. Hilarious!

Also, here's another interview with Ed, for the penultimate episode of "The Office" this season:

Essentially Michael has another terrible idea on how to let off some steam in the office and the concept of a café disco emerges, which is a dancing situation that involves coffee. I'm not a good dancer, but I try really, really hard, and I'm not talking about Andy Bernard, I'm talking about Ed Helms.

I think he's being far too modest. Judge for yourself (because it needs to be shown over and over and over again):

Pure brilliance. Is there anything Ed can't do?

Things That Are Real, Definitely NOT Unfortunately

2009-04-08T14:14:00.003-04:00

Yes, that is Jeffrey Donovan doing push-ups. On his fingers. Holy hotness.

Unfortunately, it looks like our boy Michael Westin gets arrested in the beginning of the new season of "Burn Notice" (new episodes in June), but at least he uses it as an opportunity to sell some tickets to the gun show:

Ed Helms Post of the Day

2009-04-06T10:13:00.003-04:00

Ed's in the new movie, "The Hangover," coming out on June 5th (I will clearly be first in line to see the earliest showing possible). Here's the fantastic trailer:

And, in even better news, the WB has already made a deal for a sequel to the movie! I will also be first in line to see it, when it comes out in 2010/2011, or whenever...I can't wait!

In related news, here is a picture of Ed arriving at the "Inside the Office" event a few weeks ago:

I like his fancy corduroy blazer!

And another one from the Independent Spirit Awards:

Notice the patented "Ed Pose," one hand in pocket, body slightly askew, fantastic grin...

And now, for even more Ed, here is his appearance on the show, "Free Radio:"

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

How awesome is ed for going along with this degeneracy? I think his time at TDS really paid off, if only for this one clip! It's awesome when he says they really sell paper during the show.

There are more clips at edhelms.org.

Signs I'm Getting Old - Part One of...Many

2009-03-17T15:42:00.004-04:00

In the inaugural post of a new segment here at AbS, I will now write about one of the many ways I know I'm getting old: the mall.

It used to be that I loved going to the mall. In high school, it was a cool place to hang out and be seen. I could go an try on all these clothes my parents would never be able to afford and dream about being incredibly wealthy one day and buying the entire stock of clothes at Wet Seal (this is true). PW and I would go all the way to Bridgewater Mall, even though the fabulously fancy and ridiculously overpriced Short Hills Mall was mere steps away from our town, because there was a Dippin' Dots cart in the center of the mall, at one of those mini-kiosk things. Being 17, driving to a far off mall, and eating freeze-dried ice cream was one of the best things ever.

In college, I even WORKED at the mall for a bit, at Abercrombie ("pretty good folder" - thanks Andy Bernard!), in fact, which is even more troubling than it sounds. Working there was seriously the most degenerate job ever - the sole job requirements were that you a) looked good in Abercrombie clothes and b) could stand around doing nothing for 8 hours, then power-through cleaning up the store once the mall closed. I'd spend my days either window shopping when I wasn't at work or cleaning up after all the degenerate shoppers when I was. I had no problem spending whole DAYS at the mall, hanging out, cleaning, shopping, window shopping, whatever.

Even after I graduated, me and my roommate liked nothing more on a Saturday, then to get up late, have a delicious diner breakfast, then hit up the mall for some unnecessary shopping. Being that I worked in a lab at the time (well, I still do, but a different lab), I bought mostly t-shirts and jeans, probably from Delia's or American Eagle, but would still spend hours at the mall.

How it took me HOURS to pick out three t-shirts with Hello Kitty on them, I have no idea.

But, ever since, well, I don't really know when, but within the past year or so, going to the mall has become a chore. No, worse. A punishment. It F-ing sucks. No, F that - IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!! No matter what store I go to, the clothes don't fit properly. Everyone's getting fat and the clothes are getting bigger, yet, inexplicably, the sizes are getting smaller. What the hell? I used to be able to go to regular stores and buy clothes, but now, everything sags off of me inappropriately and makes it look like I'm a twelve year-old girl playing dress-up in her mom's closet. It's pathetic. I'm almost 30. Where in the hell am I supposed to buy legitimate work clothes (you know, for when I have a legitimate job, one where I'm not allowed to wear jeans and a "I Heart Nerds" t-shirt everyday).

But, beyond the exhausting and frustrating lack of well-fitting clothing options, I'm disturbed by the people at the mall. Like the little, old women who would curse at us teenagers when we were young, hanging out at the mall, I too, curse at teenagers in the hallways and in stores. Why must they yell so loudly and run around in a Red Bull-fueled, ADD-fit? Why must the guys wear hats with flat brims, cocked jauntily to the left? Why must the girls all wear next-to-nothing, then complain about it being too cold? In the afternoon, why are there only young moms in sweatpants with strollers full of kids? Why do these same young moms buy clothing for themselves ad also for their children at the same ridiculously expensive store? Does an eight year-old really need an LV bag? Why do I even care? Why is this taking up space in my mind? Why do I even know the difference between Coach and Prada? Why do I care what degeneracies other people engage in? Why am I so angry that I'm ending my sentences with prepositions? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?

Ahem. Sorry. Moving on - this whole rant was brought on by a trip to the mall today to buy new glasses. I went to LensCrafters, which will make your glasses in an hour, so I figured I could easily kill an hour in the mall. I mean, it's an hour, there are a bunch of stores...how hard could that be? Apparently very hard (TWSS), because seriously, 20 minutes later, I wanted to kill myself. How I spent the next 40 minutes, I have no idea, but it involved mistakenly buying Hi-C from Wendy's and buying some tea from Teavana. I also tried to look at bathing suits, but got annoyed by the puce color that seems to be so popular these days (which, if worn by me, would make me appear to have advanced liver disease) so I abandoned that search and chose to leer angrily at the kiosk people who were trying to get me to a) curl my hair, b) buy some stuff to shrink the giant zit on my forehead, and c) buy a Dell (little do they know I already own one, and will never buy one again). The last 15 or so minutes were definitely spent checking Drudge on my Blackberry and reading an article about how "The Office" sucks now. I need to start carrying a book with me at all times.

Bottom line, malls are made for teenagers, moms, people who fit into normal-sized clothing, and the elderly, who get up early and power-walk around the mall before it opens. Apparently the next time I can go to the mall will be after I retire. Until then, I'm only shopping online.

Ed Helms Post of the Day: Ed, I'll Be Your Valentine

2009-03-11T09:51:00.002-04:00

OK, I need for you all to head over to http://www.edhelms.org, and look at all the awesome stuff JP has posted. Including, this video:

which I shamelessly jacked. It's also kind of NSFW, lots of Ed dropping the F-bomb, which I find oddly attractive...

Seriously, the trailer for "The Hangover?" Pictures of Ed from various appearances? It's a veritable cornucopia of delicious Ed. And we need it now more than ever...TWO, count them, TWO episodes in a row with NO Andrew Bernard? Only a throw away line about him being on his honeymoon alone? And a bunch of random pictures of Ed's head photoshopped onto various bodies, doing honeymoon-like things? Totally unacceptable. Andy better feature prominently this week, or Iko's gonna have to choke a bitch.

Things I've Bought That I Love: Wii Fit

2009-03-10T15:37:00.005-04:00

Remember how my brother got me a Wii for my birthday last year? Well, I finally got a Wii Fit Board to go with it. Yes, I realize it's like a year later, but whatever, I've been busy and had lots of other important things to but first, give me a break, guys! Anyway, it's mostly M-D's fault, she had one at her apartment, I went over there to hang out and drink martinis, then got distracted playing Wii Fit while drinking my martini...a fantastic combination, I know. But, seriously, it's super fun. Really.

When I was at M-D's, I did the Wii Fit Body Test, to which the Wii responded that I was underweight and had the body of a 42-year old. Awesome. So, that image of my weakening, sickly, decrepit body in my head, I vowed to get my own Wii Fit, so I could mold my body into the shape it should be at my rapidly advancing age. Unfortunately, Best Buy was all out of Wii Fits when I went the next day, so I had to order it online from Amazon and wait a few days for it to be delivered. I also ordered the Wii 5-in-1 Fitness Bundle, because I'm very wealthy and buy whatever I want, no matter how useless. The real reason was that I wanted a bright green yoga mat.

Since I had a few days off before being forced to exercise daily, I made the most of it by mainlining cheese and crackers and eating as much dark chocolate as I could get my hands on. Once the Wii Fit arrived, I immediately hooked it up and set up my account. Upon doing my first body test, the Wii again told me I was underweight (and shrunk my Mii down to a minuscule size) and gave me a Wii fit age that may have been 46, I can't remember. Whatever it was, it's clearly well beyond my years. So, with my even more aged body in my minds-eye, I set to work on unlocking various fitness items on my Wii Fit.

Now, I do yoga on a fairly regular basis - I take two classes a week after work and do at least two, maybe even three days of yoga at home, so I figured I'd start with the yoga poses the Wii teaches you how to do (there are four sections to the Wii Fit: yoga, strength training, aerobics, and balance games). I chose my trainer (the male one, I'm not looking at some jacked up female trainer for an hour, especially in my allegedly sickly state, besides, I could refer to the male trainer as Ed without getting as many weird looks) and opened up the yoga menu. Here he is doign some sort of single leg extension:

Most of the initial poses are based solely on balance, not really flexibility, like tree pose and half-moon. However, it's really tough to keep your balance while standing on the board and while leering at the tiny red dot, flitting across the screen, showing you how ridiculous your center of balance is.

The first days were tough, but I think I got a little more used to it aver time, my average ratings have definitely increased since the start. Once you unlock more yoga poses, you still focus on balance, but also on strength and flexibility, which is the point of yoga, after all, and what makes it a good set of exercises to do. I just wish there were more yoga poses available, as of now, I do the Wii Fit poses, then do a few more on my own.

The strength training exercises are actually pretty good. They mostly focus on your core muscles and are mostly rated by how well you keep your center of balance and how much pressure you put on the Wii Board. I'm particularly fond of the "challenge" exercises, where I get to try to beat Ed by holding plank pose longer than him, or doing more jackknifes. He gets all out-of-breath and when I beat him, which is kind of funny. Plus, I get to yell, "In your face, Ed Helms," when I beat his ass, which is something I'd never yell at the real Ed. It'd be awesome if I could work out with Ed one day.

I haven't done many of the aerobic workouts on the Wii, but the ones I have done do get your heart pumping. There's a step one, a boxing one, and a hula hoop one that almost made me collapse on the ground in a panting heap. I clearly need to incorporate more cardio into my daily life. The balance games are pretty fun, too, although I'm not very good at them. I like the table tilt, where you lean while standing on the Balance Board and the "table" on the screen tilts around, as you try to get a series of colored ball (TWSS) into various holes on the table (TWSS). There's a ski jump, which I'm the reigning champion of, and ski slalom and snow boarding game, which I SUCK at and some other balance games which I haven't played so much, but I'm sure they're fun - you get to dress up your Mii as a penguin for one of them!

Full disclosure: that's not my Mii, I got that picture from Flickr, via Google Images, so apologies if it's yours...I'm at work, or else I'd take a picture of my own Mii in that ridiculous get-up.

Bottom line, I think the Wii Fit is a good complement to other exercise, or, if it's your only exercise, it's definitely better than nothing. It seems to be better at strength building and helping train you to have better posture, rather than weight loss, but I guess that's kind of the nature of the program. I think it's very useful for tracking your exercise progress, as you can just sign in once a day to do a quick body test, which checks you BMI and calculates your Wii Fit age. As long as your BMI goes in the direction you want it to go and your age decreases, you must be doing something right, with or without the Wii Fit Board. You can also add in other exercise you do, outside of Wii Fit, in your exercise log, so it's a good way to keep track of how many hours you spend exercising. It does yell at you if you don't do a body test everyday, so don't skip them. Or, skip them if you want, I feel bad for the little cartoon Wii Fit Board, so I try to do a body test everyday. If I kepp it up, maybe I'll gain the 1/8 lbs I need in order to be within the healthy weight range!

Things That Are Real, Unfortunately

2009-03-04T10:28:00.010-05:00

So, BMG has an unhealthy obsession with dessert. He'll eat just about anything sweet, pretty much anytime during the day or night, especially the cake-y/cookie kind of sweet: brownies, cupcakes, cookies, cookies, cookies. The problem (aside from a future of diabetes) is that I have the anti-sweet tooth. And I hate to bake. I hate getting flour everywhere and I especially HATE the way flour feels when you get it on your hands. It gives me chills, really.

My weird phobias aside, BMG has been asking, nay, HARASSING me to make a dessert treat for him for the past, let's say 3 years. What is this mystery dessert you ask? I'll tell you, but only read on if you think you can handle it. Ready? Cannoli Nachos. No, not like a savory nacho, made with ricotta cheese, but a dessert nacho: cannoli shells in the shape of tortilla chips, dipped into a giant vat of sweetened ricotta. Yes, this is real. And, yes, I made it:

First I made the cannoli shell dough (I used this recipe) and let it rest for an hour, then rolled it out, cut it into triangles, and deep-fried those bitches in canola oil, using my fabulous blue, Le Creuset 4.5 qt. French Oven, until they were golden and crispy. Here's an action shot of some of the dough headed into the pool:

Then, I let them drain on some paper towels while I fashioned the cannoli filling:

I followed this recipe for the cannoli filling, although I had a few additions of my own and took out the pistachios and raisins (BMG didn't want anything remotely healthy in the cannoli). First I lightly beat the ricotta cheese to make folding in the whipped cream a little easier.

Next I folded in the whipped cream (I used my KitchenAid mixer to whip the cream) and the mini chocolate chips. I also added some lemon zest and some Amaretto, because all dessert benefits from added alcohol and not just TablesKapes are helped by the addition of llllllllemons.

Then, it was time to eat:

BMG liked it, I didn't. Which is not to say that it was bad, I just really dislike cannoli. I think if you like cannoli, this is probably a good dessert for you, if you can easily dispose of a giant pot of oil once you're done deep-frying and you don't mind mainlining Lipitor (TM) at the age of 32.

In other news, who's excited about the "Top Chef" reunion tonight? Andy sucks, and will make the entire show horrible, but at least we'll get to see Jeff again and watch Carla win fan favorite. I plan to block out any and all references to HO-sea winning and any hook-up info. he and Ho-Leah wish to share on TV. Yuck.

In Which I Live Blog the Finale and Hope it Ends with a "Hootie Hoo!"

2009-02-25T21:47:00.030-05:00

9:58 - ready to go. So excited to watch Carla kick some ass!

9:59 - montage of Stefan winning...

10:00 - ugh, Fabio goes home...so sad.

10:01 - Stefan brushes his teeth rather violently, doesn't he? Hosea rambles on about pressure and being a man-Ho.

10:03 - Does anyone really thing HO-sea is going to win this? I just realized there are two caterers in the final 3...interesting.

10:04 - Serve the best three course meal of your life, I'm with Stefan - "F*** what am I going to make now?" I think it's easier when you have some idea of what the judges want, right?

Ugh, Marcel...why are you such a D-bag? But, yay for Casey and Richard!! Heart! Speaking of heart!! I really like Padma's dress!

10:06 - Ha! "A bit of a twat!" "Where are the proteins?"

Foie Gras drama. Fight. Fight. Fight!!!

10:08 - M.D. and I talk about how much we love Richard!

Carla is sous vide-ing, Stefan is cooking straight-up ghetto-Finland-style!! HO-sea has no plan and wants to make some crap now, then sleep on it - um, yeah, go home now. He should clearly have had an idea of the three courses he wanted to make BEFORE coming to NO, right?

During this commercial break, I will now shorthand my thoughts on "The Last Supper" episode: ZOMG! Eggs! I love Eggs! Whyle Dufresne loves eggs! We should get together and talk about food science and eat eggs benedict! OMG! Jacques Pepin! I would literally DIE if I had to cook dinner for him. There's no way I could ever make something good enough for him. Carla's so lucky! Why is Leah still there? Tom and Padma are so luck to get to eat with all of these fantastic chefs. This might actually be my dream. ZOMG! Fabio's injured! Is he OK? Of course he's still going to cook. He's going to rock out with his co** out! OK, he can't chop or peel to good...maybe he'll go home? No!!! It's an editing - he's clearly going to win! Why is Leah still here? Awesome! Carla and Fabio rockin!! Stefan sucking...is he going to go home? No, it will clearly be Leah, there's no way Stefan won't make it to the finale. HOORAY!!! Ho-Leah goes home! Hootie Hoo! Carla does good! Fabio for the win, "It's Top Chef, not top pus**!!!"

10:14 - God, Stefan's still hung up on Jamie? That Tarot lady was amazing - let's go to NOLA and have our fortunes told.

10:17 - Do they have to make a mystery fourth course?

10:17 - Ha, I'm right! They do!! Make an app.! I'd be the best "Top Chef" editor ever! ZOMG!!! KN and I were just talking about the baby Jesus in the King Cake on Sunday!

10:18 - HO-sea D-bags out, gets the Jebus, and screws over Stefan. Awse.

HO-sea: griddled corn cake with red fish remoulade.
Stefan: Alligator soup
Carla: was attacked by her crab?! And is freaking out about her app. Oh no, not good.

10:23 -
HO-sea finally has a menu: 1. Sashimi, 2. Foie Gras and Scallops, 3. Venison.

Stefan: 1. Halibut-Salmon carpaccio, 2. Squab, Braised Cabbage (my favorite dish of the night), 3. Dessert

Carla: 1. Seared Red Snapper, 2. Meat and Potatoes (my second favorite), 3. Cheese Tart!!! Oh no, souffle? NOO!! TART!!! CHEESE + TART = GOLD!

10:28 - was that Rocco DiSpirito? OK, I take it back, I want this Padma dress.

10:29 - I scare everyone around me by screeching, "I LOVE JOHN BESH!!!!!" at the top of my lungs.

10:30 - FABIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, why is he the only contestant still there? Stefan rocks the alligator. Carla's dish was good, so was HO-sea's.

10:32 - First Courses:
I'm sad that HO-sea's dish is the one that sounds the best to me. Yes! Carla's dish is getting good marks!

10:34 - Second Courses:
I am also confused about Carla and sous vide. I want to roll around in a big plate of squab and cabbage. That Hosea dish sounds awful to me, I'm sorry.

10:36 - Carla boils her souffle. Oh NOOOOOOOO.

10:37 - Third Course:
I want to roll around in a plate of Stefan's dessert. I feel so badly for Carla.

10:39 - I'm distracted by Fabio's faux hawk.

10:40 - the chefs ramble on about winning, losing, sucking, not sucking...and they plug some crappy wine.

And now, my shorthand thoughts on "Finale Part 1" - Why does Stefan look bloated? I'm really excited for Carla! ZOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jeff's back! Oh no, WTF??? Ho-Leah's back? NOOOOOO!!!! Jeff better win this bitch. Actually, all their food looks good. Emeril even seems normal on this show. YEAH! Jeff FTW! OMG, holy crap, he has to win it all? Why is Stefan such an asshole? Why isn't he even trying? I like their Elimination Challenge, hooray for New Orleans challenge - cajun and Creole food? What's not to like? God, Stefan really is a D-bag, isn't he? Jeff's cocktail looks amazing...so does his food. Carla FTW with the oysters! You go girl - shucking all those little bastards could NOT have been fun. I hope Jeff wins. I still can't get over Stefan's bloated head. I think Stefan's going home. No, maybe Fabio is. No, it's totally going to be Stefan. Yeah for Carla! Yeah for...well...no one else. I can't believe Fabio AND Jeff got sent home. Who will make witty, one-line remarks and look pretty during the finale now? I hope Carla kicks some serious ass.

10:45 - Carla started off strong, then kind of petered out at the end...ugh that souffle totally killed her. Carla totally let Casey run the show...why? Why Carla, why?

10:46 - Stefan smirks at Stefan's advantage.

10:47 - It looks like someone spit on the top of HO-sea's scallops.

I can't believe Hosea will win this bitch.

10:48 - Ha! I wonder what Tom would say when he hears he agrees with Marcel about freezing fish. "I really enjoyed Stefan's squab." That's what she said!

I hate when they make them beg for the title of "Top Chef." And, Stefan is surprisingly not-cocky during his speech. And he comforts Carla, maybe he's not the biggest D-Bag there.

Beth - I'm so sad our pick FTW isn't going to. :(

"I thought Stefan's squab was the best thing I had all night." That's what she said.

10:53 - Tom's pissed!

10:58 - HO-sea wins....

yeah, I guess...

He kinds of is acting like a D-bag. Stefan rambling about being bitter is hysterical!!! Don't cry Carla! Jeff's standing right next to you! Let his hotness cheer you up!

Well, that's all for me, HOOTIE HOO!!!! in honor of Carla, even though she didn't win. She's still awesome.

And Jeff is hot.

ZOMG!! Does Anyone Want to Road Trip to Atlanta Next Weekend?

2009-02-17T09:24:00.005-05:00

Ed Helms will be playing the banjo at an Atlanta fundraiser on the 28th. Fortunately for you, the info also came with an interview:

Q: Is it hard to play the banjo?

A: The banjo is a (pain). That’s part of why it’s so rewarding. You work really hard. When I saw Tom Key in ‘Cotton Patch Gospel,’ I was already into bluegrass. It’s a really extraordinary production. My high school did a production. No one could play the banjo, so I picked it up, learned the songs and that was the beginning of my long, torrid love affair with the banjo.

Q: Most guys play the guitar in high school to pick up girls. How’d the banjo work for you?

A: I just completely misread girls in high school. This is just one example of how. I’ve been trying to press X-box to make “Banjo Hero.”

Q: What do you enjoy most about coming back to Atlanta to visit family or participate in events like ATLexis?

A: I love being able to feel attached to the creative community in Atlanta. That’s a real privilege for me. A year or two ago, I did a benefit for the Horizon Theatre. I feel like Atlanta has such a vibrant creative community. Any chance I get to reconnect is exciting for me.

Q: What do you miss when you’re in L.A.?

A: You don’t really know until you leave the South how beautiful it is from an aesthetic standpoint. Atlanta has changed immeasurably since I moved around, not necessarily in ways I’m thrilled about. But it’s lush. I love the organic smells in springtime. L.A. is not lush. It’s an irrigated desert.

Q: What would you be doing right now if you weren’t acting?

A: I have no idea. I don’t know what else to do. I never even saw an alternative. I think I would just be miserable. This is a very tough career. It’s hard on your constitution. It’s hard on your ego. It’s not stable. But it is sort of the only thing I could do.

Q: Your character works for a nutty boss in a fairly monotonous job. What’s the worst job you ever had in Atlanta?

A: I didn’t work in Atlanta much except summer jobs. I was a lifeguard at Brookwood Hills community pool. I loved that job. It was awesome. When I became assistant manager there, the responsibilities took some of the fun out. The lack of bodily function control that children have in swimming pools is far more than what you would imagine. The clean up duty falls on the lifeguards.

Q: Did you ever wish someone would get into trouble so you could perform a daring rescue?

A: I never wished anyone would start to drown or anything, but I did sort of wish a beautiful woman would get into the deep end over her head. I could give her a hand and then she would become completely smitten with me. Until she learned I played the banjo.

Perhaps I can go, find a pool with Ed standing nearby, jump in, and pretend to not know how to swim...

And, ZOMG!!! I found some Ed pictures (taken by Jason Odell) who also took some adorable pictures of John Krasinski a while back:

Did you get your tickets to the gun show?

I'm Still Here, I Promise

2009-02-16T21:08:00.004-05:00

OK, sorry guys, I'm running a study at work (again) and it's taking up a ton of time. I'm hoping to do a double post about the "Top Chef" episode from last week and this week on Friday, once the study is finished. In the meantime, enjoy this eye candy:

Hopefully it makes up for the total lack of Ed in last week's episode - WTF Mindy? Why even bother to write an episode that contains no Andrew Bernard?

"Top Chef" Season 5: Episode 11 - In Which Stefan is the Luckiest Man in the World

2009-02-06T12:00:00.002-05:00

Two posts about Eric Ripert in one week? Am I turning into a chef fangirl or what? Next thing you know, I'll be writing posts about how much I love Grant Achatz while stalking him in Chicago (oh, wait, that might actually happen in May...what up?!??!).

Anyway, onto the episode. Hooray! Finally and episode in which the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenge were awesome, relevant to actually being a Top Chef, and showed which of the remaining chefs have the skills to win this bitch. Having Eric Ripert around didn't hurt, either, he's such a class act - all the way. Having him there just showed how very out of his league Toby is, and honestly showed a little bit of how much of a jackass Tom can be.

Gorton's Fisherman Quickfire Challenge:
This was my first thought: YUM!!! ERIC RIPERT!

The Quickfire was divided into three rounds, the bottom two from the first two rounds were eliminates, until two chefs were left to battle it out for the advantage of wining the QF. Round 1 was to clean and butterfly sardines, which really showed the skills (or lack thereof) the chefs had. From the beginning it was clear Stefan and Fabio were the two to be reckoned with, being able to fillet those tiny fish isn't hard - if you have the practice (I clearly do not) - and it was obvious which chefs were on a higher level than the other. Carla was awesome, though, she got Eric to crack a smile more than once in this episode and her reaction to sucking at the Quickfire was priceless. I was kind of surprise Jamie went out as early as she did, I just figured since her cooking skills were so good, she'd know how to deal with the fish, but I was obviously wrong. I was also shocked Leah did as well as she did in the first round (not so much after she interviewed that she worked as the head fish cook at a restaurant).

The second round was pathetic, arctic char should have been pretty easy for the chefs, with the exception of the pin bones, it's not too bad to fillet. Leah proudly displayed her title as "Most Useless Chef to Make it This Far on 'Top Chef'" by giving up midway through filleting, then half-heartedly trying to flirt with Eric Ripert , trying to get out of explaining why she gave up. To be fair, I would have tried to flirt with Eric, too, but I would have filleted my fish properly, first. I mean, it's Eric Ripert, you have to impress him with your skills, right? At the end of Round 2, only HO-sea and Stefan were left, HO-sea interviewing that he hates the "Euros." Nice.

Round three had the two of them skinning and filleting eels. Um, yuck. Seriously. I hate things that don't have legs. Snakes, worms, eels, it's not natural. Things should have legs. Or leg-like appendages. Nothing should move by waving its long, slimy body around. It's disgusting. That said, I was quite happy when Stefan impaled that thing through the head with a nail. The reactions were amazing. As soon as HO-sea had to copy Stefan's eel-skinning technique, I knew he was done. Even if he had miraculously skinned and filleted the eel properly, he should have lost because he didn't know how to do it in the first place, even though he's in charge of a seafood restaurant. Stefan rocked the QF and deserved the win - even Eric Ripert looked like he wanted to make out with Stefan after he inspected the filleted eel. Eric then invited all the chefs to Le Bernardin for lunch with him, which made me the most jealous person ever.

Elimination Challenge:

Eric told the chefs (and Tom and Padma) that he's selected six dished for them to eat for lunch...to which I respond: Hmmmmm, I wonder where this is going, six dishes, six chefs? Whatever could the challenge be, Bravo producers? The lunch went pretty much as you'd expect it to, Jamie looked bitchy and said she was bored with the food (which I guess made sense when you take the outcome into account, but still, whatever, bitch, it's MotherF-ing Eric Ripert), Leah looked bored, Carla acted adorably humble ("I want to be an Eric Ripert dish when I grow up"), Fabio had some choice Italian witticisms, and Stefan and Hosea acted like douchebags. Well, they were both pretty well-behaved to be fair, but they kind of always are a little bit D-bagyg, even on their best behavior.

So, not shockingly, their challenge was to recreate one of the dishes they had for lunch exactly, and serve it to the judges. The lucky bastards also got direct input from the man himself, as Eric Ripert came into the kitchen to help each chef with their dish. I hope they each appreciated this opportunity - seriously, how many up and coming chefs get to cook food created by Eric Ripert, then have him taste and give them feedback on the dish? Phenomenal opportunity.

The chefs and two hours to prep and practice the dishes they had selected. Stefan had the honor of selecting his course, since he won the QF, while the rest of the chefs had to draw knives to figure out which dish they would cook. As much as the other contestants said Stefan picked the easiest dish, I have to say, I don't think any of the dishes were "easy" and lobster isn't the easiest thing in the world to cook - I know they're all supposed to know what they're doing, so cooking some fish shouldn't be that difficult, but look at the sardine/char debacle at the beginning, clearly they're not everything they make themselves out to be. The best part of this entire sequence, however, was Eric leering at the chefs from the corner of his kitchen. It was so deliciously creepy, yet endearing. Creepy, because, well, I think it was obvious...who likes someone lurking in the corner while they're trying to work? Endearing, because it seems, at least to me, that he really wanted the chefs to succeed and took pride in their earnest (with the exception of HO-Leah) efforts to recreate his handiwork.

Fabio got to fire his dish first, the sourdough-crusted red snapper, with tomato consomme. First, this dish sounded delicious. Second, I was worried about Fabio when I saw the breading, but it turns out that was the only thing he did wrong. I also didn't realize, I don't whether it's because they didn't tell us or I wasn't paying attention, that the chefs had to serve their version of the dish next to an Eric Ripert-protege version of the dish - HARDCORE. Like I said before, it's terrifying enough to have to make a dish conceptualized by a chef, then serve it to that same chef, let alone have it compared to the ideal version of the meal.

Leah went next with the mahi mahi with miso and mushrooms sauce. I don't quite understand why she didn't just ask Ripert what to do with the miso, or try harder to figure it out. She knew it was wrong, yet went with it anyway. Stefan had the lobster with hollandaise, and, of course, he knocked it out of the park. Perfectly cooked lobster and asparagus, great sauce. I'm really trying to find reasons he shouldn't win because of his piss-poor attitude, but I have to say, none of the other contestants hold a candle to him right now.

Carla was the forth course, the oil-poached escolar with potato crisps, and red wine bearnaise. Now, I have to say, Carla really impressed me here. Like a lot. I bet half the contestants couldn't make a bearnaise if you asked them to. She whipped that out with no problem. Only her potato crisps weren't spot on, which I thought was quite forgivable, and apparently, so did the judges.

Hosea was next with the monkfish with Za'Atar and black garlic. Yeah, I didn't know what Za'Atar was, either. It was kind of pathetic that he didn't allow the monkfish to rest before slicing it - I mean, he has a seafood restaurant for God's sake. He, of all people should have been able to serve properly cooked fish. Jeff would have totally whooped his ass in this challenge. Jamie went last and served the black bass with braised celery. Now, I'm not going to lie, I love celery, but braised? Eh, not so much. Regardless, I would have tried to make the dish as best as I could, Jamie seemed to phone it in because she didn't like Eric's "style of food," which is, quite frankly, ridiculous. Come on, even if you don't cook like his type of food, you still have ERIC FUCKING RIPERT giving you personal feedback on a dish...suck it up and try your best. She was giving Leah a run for her money in the bitchy, entitled behavior club during the elimination.

Judges' Table:
I think it was clear who the top three would be at the end of the Elimination Challenge. All of them deserved to be congratulated and Stefan deserved the win, even if his dish was allegedly the easiest. Stefan also got the best prize of the season so far - getting to chill at Le Bernardin with Eric for a week, then fly with him to the South Beach Food and Wine Festival and hang out with the awesome (and not so awesome, Rachael Ray, Giada, Paula Deen, anyone?) people there, too. Lucky bastard.

As clear as the top three were, I think the bottom three were even more obvious; the Hos and Jamie. Two of them didn't seem to care and the other one has a seafood restaurant, yet can't cook monkfish properly. I have to say the elimination really surprised me...especially after listening to Tom comment on Leah and Jamie. Why would the judges choose to keep someone who they themselves acknowledged, "didn't cook the food properly and didn't know what she did wrong," vs. someone who didn't cook the food properly, but knew what she did wrong?" It doesn't make much sense to me. In fact, this is a direct transcription from last night, just before the elimination:

The overview, not shocking - HO-sea should have seared his fish first, then added the spice, HO-Leah sucked with miso, Jamie sucked with celery. Jamie goes home, WTF?!??!?? HOW IS LEAH STILL THERE???! WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED? WHY DID SHE REFERENCE TEAM RAINBOW? HOW CAN YOU HAVE A TEAM OF ONE PERSON? WAIT, HOW IS LEAH STILL THERE???

After the fact, reading Tom's blog, he says Jamie's food was inedible, which, fine, I get it. If you make food no one can eat, you definitely should be sent home. But I didn't get that impression from the way the episode was edited. It looked to me like Jamie and Leah were equally sucky, yet Jamie knew where she went wrong while Leah didn't. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Regardless of my thoughts, Jamie was sent home. I don't think she could have won, but she's definitely more talented than Leah, and certainly on par with the rest of the chefs, if not better then most. If I ever get back to San Fransisco, I'm definitely checking out her restaurant, her food is exactly the kind I like to cook and, despite her sometimes pissy attitude, I have a lot of respect for her.

Next Week: The final four decided! Tom doesn't want to be embarrassed!! Fabio is mangled! Wylie Dufresne! Jacques Pepin!!!!11!!

Field Trip to 10 Arts: Where the Fries Never End

2009-02-03T18:11:00.012-05:00

Since the economy's in the crapper, Philadelphia restaurant week was extended through this Friday. As such, BW and I decided it would be the perfect opportunity to visit Eric Ripert's lovely restaurant, 10 Arts in said Philadelphia. Unfortunately, as we soon realized, Saturday nights aren't part of restaurant week at 10 Arts, but since it worked out (shockingly) that BW, PW, BMG, and I could get together on such short notice, we decided to go anyway. Hooray for stimulating the economy! Sadly, due to excessive drinking in the dive bars of Trenton, BMG was unable to join us, so I had to make the drive to PA alone, dressed in my hot outfit for dinner. However, the lack of BMG gave me the chance to sit at the table with an empty seat next to me, in the hopes that Eric Ripert would actually be in his restaurant and want to join us for dinner - it didn't happen. But, I think that's because he wasn't at the restaurant, I mean, come on, if he had seen us, with the empty chair, there's no way he'd be able to refuse an invitation to dinner.

Our reservation was for 8:30 pm, we arrived almost exactly on time, the hostess took our coats, and we were ushered to our table. The restaurant is in the Ritz Carlton hotel, right by City Hall, and the space is awesome. It' basically the lobby of the hotel, so it's huge expanse, great high ceilings, columns, the works. I was especially enamored of the chandeliers, which are pretty much bigger than my apartment. We were all pretty hungry, and also excited to be there, so it took a while to order, luckily we were able to decide on a wine quickly, so we had a nice splash while deciding what to order...

And, oh, did we order. To start, we shared the fried calamari, which was awesome. So NOT rubbery and gross like most calamari that has been fried and not at all greasy. Plus, it came with a delicious remoulade which I would have eaten straight from the ramekin if it was socially acceptable. Next, for our first courses, BW got the heirloom corn chowder, PW got the chicken soup (it had alphabets!!!), and I had the warm goat cheese salad. All were awesome. The corn soup had smoked sea salt in it, which gave it a delicious, smoky, rich flavor (seriously, though, it was great).

The chicken soup was so, so good! The alphabets were great, a whimsical touch for an old classic. My salad was amazing, too; with a big hunk of goat cheese, baby beets, and greens you really can't go wrong.

Next came the entrees (I should also mention that PW order a scotch part way through the meal, because, you know, if we're all going to lose our jobs soon, we might as well go all out while we can. I mean, we'd already committed to an expensive meal, why not just throw some delicious, alcoholic frosting on top?). For her main course, BW got the fish burger, which (as the waitress informed us) was basically a crabcake made with striped bass instead of crab. It came with delicious (and crispy) fries and a fantastic saffron aioli. Better than the remoulade. I would bathe in it.

PW ordered the filet - it was perfectly cooked and had a great, thick reduction poured over it

and he also ordered a ""side" of French fries (the same as the ones that came with BW's food - crispy and all seasoned, mostly rosemary and salt...some other stuff, too). Now, I say "side" because it was basically another entree. And, we can eat, let me tell you. But that bitch kicked our asses - the more we ate, the more full the cone of fries seemed to become. See for yourself - here's the before:

And here's the after (don't worry, I'll get to the mac and cheese in a second:

The only way you can tell it's a different picture is that some of the mac and cheese is missing. Oh, and that mac and cheese was awesome. Lots of great cheesy flavor, but the crispy top really made it.

I had the striped bass "Grand Mere," which was a difficult decision, as I was also extremely interested in the rabbit paillard, but, ultimately decided that I should honor Ripert's skills and go with the seafood. It was a good choice. The bass was cooked perfectly and came with an assortment of great vegetables (potatoes, green beans, mushrooms, pearl onions) in a light, very flavorful broth. Unfortunately, due to the block of goat cheese and mac and cheese and trying everyone else's food, I wasn't able to eat it all. That's the only time I wished I has gotten the paillard, so I could bring it home and eat it later - reheated striped bass would not be right.

I should also add that our waitress was awesome. At some point during the entrees she brought us a free glass of champagne that was an extra from some other table at the restaurant (free liquor - sold!!). She also, very nicely, brought us a scoop of the coconut-avocado sorbet to taste, as there was no way in F any of us was eating dessert after that meal. But, when she explained the sorbet to us, we were all so intrigues, she brought us a taste - what did I tell you? Awesome.

After that, the night was spent recovering from eating too much and watching "Saturday Night Live" while realizing it will never be as good as it once was.

Provided we all still have jobs shortly, more restaurants are coming soon - I've set a goal of one new restaurant a month...let's see if I can keep it up. That's what she said.

(Also, I would like to thank BW for her pictures of the food - it was so dark in there and we didn't want to use the flash and look like complete hick-degenerates, so that's why the pictures are somewhat dark. However, if I had taken them, they would have been dark AND blurry, as I have the shaky hands. So, strong work, BW! I'm glad you have steady hands and like to stalk chefs, too!)

Chef Fangirl Alert!

2009-02-02T22:38:00.003-05:00

Eric Ripert is with Anthony Bourdain on "No Reservations" at L2O right now!! I want to go to there!

You can now return to your regularly scheduled TV watching.

What is it with Italians and Monkey Ass? "Top Chef" Season 5: Episode 10

2009-01-30T13:20:00.002-05:00

We started the episode off with some interviews about a subject I thought we'd left long behind - the grossness of Ho-Leah and Ho-sea. Apparently they were both sad (we knew that already) and regretted their idiotic behavior (which we also already knew), but apparently the BRAVO producers wanted to milk as much mileage out of their lame hook-up as possible, so we were treated to more interviews about how the hooking was over. Fantastic. And yet, this was the best part of the episode - I didn't think anything could be worse than the horrible restaurant wars last week, but, no, leave it to BRAVO to prove me wrong.

The Quaker Oats Quickfire Challenge:
First off, I was extremely excited to go to Scarpetta after I read the review of the restaurant in the New York Times a few months ago. I still want to go, but, I have to say, I'm not entirely thrilled about it - Scott Conant was not winning me over with his winning personality on Wednesday night. I'm sure he's a very talented chef, but I'm so over the cocky, better-than-you attitude all these chefs have. I'm sure your food is wonderful, but you don't have to be an A-hole about it.

Moving on...seriously? Quaker oats? Is there anyway to make something with oats other than encrusting various food items with them? I'm going out on a limb here and saying this was worse than the diet Dr. Pepper challenge, and probably the worst sponsorship ever. I love me some Oatmeal, but come on guys, you can do better than this. Carla once again steeped up as the person who worked the sponsorship into her interviews the most, though, the producers must love her. The best line of the Quickfire went to Fabio and his "why eat vegetables when there's meat and fEEEsh?" and that was it for redeeming qualities. Jeff, once again, was over thinking things, Stefan acted like a douche hat, and Leah couldn't properly de-bone her fish. Again. Why is she there again? Mostly I was confused by Jamie's Rachael-Ray-terrorist scarf.

The Glad Press 'n' Seal Elimination Challenge:
The surprises were football/chef jacket/jerseys, personalized for each chef. Kind of cool, and, I have to admit, I was extremely excited for the football challenge/ I love football and I love eating food while watching football (really, who doesn't), so I think this challenge had potential. Unfortunately, I think it fell way short in its execution.

For the challenge, the chefs had to compete as a team against a team of former "Top Chef" contestants, the "All-Stars" by going head-to-head with an "All-Star" in an individual round. The chefs had to cook a meal representative of a football team in 20 minutes, from scratch. Please. Whatever. First of all, could they have picked a more lame group of people as the "All-Star" team? I don't understand the love for Spike/Andrew and their platonic love for each other - I just find them both annoying. As for the rest of the "All-Stars," I didn't remember who any of them were, with the exception of Nikki, but that was mostly because she was just on last season. I'm sure by season 8 of "Top Chef" I'll have no recollection of her, and my brain will be the better for it. Second of all, I didn't understand Jamie's (and the others) "intimidation" when looking at the "All-Stars." She said it was because they were on TV, but what the hell? She's on TV. I can't believe someone as confident as her would be concerned about cooking against Andrew or Miguel.

Since Stefan won the Quickfire, he got to choose his team (Dallas) and his opponent (Andrea from Season 1, yeah, I had to check to be sure she was actually on the show, too). Then each team got to pick who would cook for each of the other teams and the head-to-head matchups were determined based on their choices. The chefs then got two hours to play around with recipes and practice cooking in 20 minutes (don't even get me started). This scene was basically useless to the program, which was an inexplicable hour and fifteen minutes again (stop cutting into my enjoyment of "The Daily Show" show). The only relevant things we learned were: a) Josie used to play professional womens football, which means she can kick pretty much anyone's ass, b) that Fabio likes to refer to "monkey ass" as many times as he can, and c) that Andrew likes to pee on people he deems inferior to him (where does he find them?).

Then we had a commercial break in which I wrote this:

I AM NEVER GOING TO BUY A DIET DR. PEPPER. EVER. NO MATTER HOW MANY TOP CHEFS AND TOP CHEF CONTESTANTS THEY GET TO SHILL THAT CRAP.

For the actual challenge, the teams moved to the ICE to cook head-to-head and be judged the the usual judges (for a touchdown) and a team of student tasters (for a field goal). The team with the most points would win "bragging rights" and the season 5 chefs who lost to their "All-Star" opponents would be up for elimination. On the way to the ICE, Fabio drops the "press n seal" product-placement bomb, ensuring the producers would keep him around another episode (which factors into relevance in a little bit). I'll also say that Tom looked extremely pissy during this entire challenge. Did you see him all slumped in his chair, with his arms folded, leering at the chefs as they came in? Maybe he doesn't like football? Maybe Spike put on one of the prop-helmets and rammed his head into Tom's gut?

The food:

Leah vs. Nikki: Leah gets the touchdown for her steak and Nikki gets a field goal for her chicken livers.

Hosea vs. Miguel: Both of them do salmon, but Hosea wins all ten points for his salmon roll (which I grudgingly admit looked good).

(Montage of Josie and Andrew torture some crawfish)

Carla vs. Andrew: Andrew acted like a jackass and served crawfish crudo. Carla somehow managed to make gumbo in 20 minutes and gets a touchdown for her team. (Side bar: Was Ariane not wearing pants when they cut to her?).

Stefan vs. Andrea: Stefan made a duo of meat (that's what she said) and interviewed that he was in love with Andrea. Um, dude, not to rain on your parade or anything, but aren't you married? Stefan's arrogance didn't win him anything, however, as Andrea takes all ten points and hugged Tom inappropriately. At this point, I realized that the judges had to throw their votes so Stefan wasn't the only one up for elimination, because they're clearly not sending him home, like, ever, so the rest of the competition was basically useless to watch. But I did anyway. Luckily, I didn't have to right away, as we got another commercial break, during which I wrote this:

I HATE THE STUPID EXTRA 15-MINUTE LONG EPISODES! WHY CAN'T THEY JUST EDIT THE DUMB STUFF OUT AND SHOW THE COOKING? I DON'T NEED TO SEE ANDREW AND SPIKE ACT LIKE IDIOTS FOR AND EXTRA 7 MINUTES SO BRAVO CAN SELL MORE AD SPACE TO SWANSON, DIET DR. PEPPER, AND WHATEVER OTHER CRAP FOOD COMPANIES WANT TO SHILL ON CABLE TV.

Jamie vs. Camille: They both made cioppino (which, ironically, B. Flay had just made on "Throwdown" an hour earlier) San Fran style. Scott rambled on about how much he loved Jamie's style of cooking and the manner in which she cooked. Jamie won.

Jeff vs. Josie: Jeff won my heart all over again by dumping rum on everything he was making. Even if it was bad, at least you'd get a nice, little buzz, right? Josie inexplicably made warm ceviche (gross) and even more baffling, she won. All the points. This is when I started to cry because I knew Jeff was going home.

(this is adorable, that's why it's here)

(same for this one)

Fabio vs. Spike: Fabio ranted (hysterically) about Spike not using cheese, because, to an Italian, one must use cheese when making food for Packers fans. Fabio lost, but got enough points to pull out the win for season 5. At least they beat those douches on the "All-Star" team. And, hopefully, it was the last we'll ever have to see of those ridiculous "All-Stars."

The Glad Forceflex Judges' Table:
The top four were Leah, Carla, Hosea, and Jamie, who all appear in front of the judges wearing headbands. In the only other good part of this fiasco, Carla won two tickets to the Superbowl for her 20 minute gumbo and subsequently made an adorable touchdown signal in her post-win interview.

The three losers by default were Fabio, Jeff, and Stefan. Fabio over-cooked his venison, Jeff made some ceviche that Tom hated, and Stefan just couldn't cook as well as Andrea (which I absolutely do NOT believe). This was probably the worst group of people to be at Judges' Table ever. None of them had any business being there. Leah and Carla (sorry, I like her, too, but really) get to stay? As I said before, Stefan was clearly not going home, and Fabio is a product-placer's wet dream, so that only left Jeff to take one for the team. And boy did he ever. Tom reamed him out at Judges' Table and I'm not sure why...perhaps an extension of the pissiness from earlier? Jeff looked like he wanted to cry when Tom was done, to which I yelled toward the TV, "don't worry Jeff, I still love you - I'll comfort you." Sadly, it was clear at this point that Jeff was going home, and he did. But he got a kiss from Fabio before he left, which is really all anyone could ask for, so I guess he went out on a high note. Plus, I'm clearly going to plan a trip to Miami to stalk Jeff.

Next week: ERIC MOTHERFUCKING RIPERT!!!!!!!!!!! (Which almost makes up for the future lack of Jeff in hotness equivalents). Fresh water eel! Toby makes an enigmatic Star Wars reference!

Edited to add, there's an interview with Jeff here. Ouch to Tom.

Worst Episode of "Top Chef" Ever

2009-01-29T14:26:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I'm not going to get to write up last night's debacle until tomorrow, but I wanted to let you all know that I think it sucked. Big time. WTF WAS that? The only redeeming quality was Carla winning and making that touchdown motion in her interview. Jeff going home was awful (who will I leer at now?), Leah not going home was even more awful, Fabio rambled about monkey ass again, and the "All-Stars" Bravo brought back were clearly the only former contestants desperate enough to come back to the show, not anyone actually worth tuning in for. Spike, his douche-hat, and Andrew? Come on. Josie and Andrea? Please. The other ones I don't even remember 12 hours later? Whatever. Josie and Spike torturing the crawfish? Almost made me vomit. The Quaker Oats sponsored Quickfire? Possibly worse that the one sponsored by Diet Dr. Pepper.

Also, I think Ariane forgot her pants. And why is Stephen Starr such and A-hole?

More Ed...

2009-01-26T09:10:00.002-05:00

A picture of sassy Ed from the SAG awards - rockin the tux and looking hot.

The EdsKape 2009

2009-01-25T20:57:00.005-05:00

As promised, here's picture of the tablesKape from Ed's birthday celebration:

Containing: "The Office" Seasons 3 and 4 on DVD, "The Daily Show Indecision 2004" DVD, the Andy Bernard "Dancing with the Stars" mug, Cap'n Crunch, sushi, Hello Kitty (because she's a part of every sKape), the Ed card, some malted milk balls (for no reason at all), and the item ubiquitous to all sKapes - a lemon.

And Now...The Reason AbS is Here...

2009-01-24T11:13:00.005-05:00

(Yes, I'm stealing more pictures from edhelms.org)

Happy Birthday, Ed! I hope you have a great day!

To celebrate AbS's favorite day of the year, KN and I will be dining on sushi (one of Ed's favorite take out foods), decorating her coffee table with a tablesKape of Ed - fit only for a crazy person (or Sandra Lee), and watching some highlights of "The Office" seasons 3 and 4, as well as "The Daily Show: Indecision 2004" DVD. Maybe we'll even listen to a little Lonesome Trio and pretend Ed is serenading us.

So, for those of you who can't party with us, have a shot to celebrate Ed and all the brilliance he has given us over the past year.

P.S. Photo of tablesKape to come.

I Feel Like a Hummingbird on Cocaine - "Top Chef" Season 5 - Episode 9 (Subtitle: It's Called "Top Chef" not Top Slut)

2009-01-22T13:30:00.001-05:00

I hate Restaurant Wars. I don't understand why Bravo makes such a big deal about it. It's a crappy challenge - think about it. They make the poor chefs open a restaurant in 6 hours (a feat which normally takes months to years to accomplish), then break apart every detail of the decor, food, and service. It's "Top Chef" not Top Waiter or Top Decorator ("see you later, decorator" - does anyone remember that show?). Yes, the chef-owner of a restaurant needs to make the interior design decisions of his or her restaurant, but they normally have, you know, a trained professional to give them options and people to actually do the design and decorating work. Sure, chef-owners need to train their waitstaff and make sure they know how to carry a plate withour spilling sauce everywhere, but, come on, is Thomas Keller at Bouchon yelling at waiters? F no. This is why chefs have head waiters, who have probably been with them since the first restaurant. And this is why Restaurant Wars sucks. The competition is about cooking, yet people get sent home for lacking front-of-house skills or decorating savvy. BS. I get that these skills are necessary to have, or at least know you need someone to help you out, but there's no need to Radhika and Fabio to be lugging planters around instead of designing and executing the menu. Rant over.

So, Hosea and Leah interviewed at the beginning that they didn't send Ariane home, yet Leah feels sick b/c she's partly responsible? At least Jamie had the balls to throwdown the first "throw under the bus" of the season. I don't know. Ariane and Leah both should have gone home. We went over this last week, moving on.

The Budakkan-sponsored Quickfire Challenge
This Quickfire was pretty uninteresting, right? I don't know what Jeff was thinking with the salmon and puree?

It looked so flat and boring on the plate. And Fabio, I don't even understand what the concept of his restaurant was - lunch cookery? I did think Radhika's looked tasty, but as soon as she won, I was like, "yeah, she's going home." Then I saw Leah win, and I was like, "NO, she's DEFINITELY going home." Could Stephen Starr have picked two worse people to be in charge? I don't think either of them has displayed good (no, actually ANY) leadership all season. I could practically feel the disdain and mocking oozing out of Stefan through my TV.

The Toyota Sequoia/Pier 1 Restaurant Wars Elimination Challenge
Radhika was in charge of Team Sahana, which also included Jamie, Carla, and Jeff. Theme: global/old spice trade. Leah was in charge of Team Sunset Lounge (wtf?) and Stefan, Fabio, and Hosea (they will, henceforth, be known as Team Slut for obvious reasons). Theme: Asian-influenced. And I am not impressed with either concept, but the menus sound good.

The teams the head out to buy decorations and subsequently destroy Pier 1 and spend $5,000 each. This entire segment could have been cut out of the show to have the episode fit in the one hour time frame and prevent me from being angry about blatant sponsorship. Also, I was confused as to why they had to shop for their restaurants BEFORE they saw the spaces they would be decorating. Anyone else?

[Speaking of other things that could have been cut from the episode, HO-sea and Ho-Leah making out (and the added porno music). WTF? I had to pause my TiVo, run to the bathroom, and mainline brain-bleach to get that grossness out of my head. They kissed, ugh, big deal. let's all move on. We watch the show for cooking and random chef in-fighting, not to watch two people lay in a bed together. Call me if Jeff gets naked.]

Anyway, while they were menu planning back at the apartment, it became clear to me that Radhika has no leadership skills (could she have been more passive about doing front-of-house?) and has no business being anywhere other than the kitchen. Which is fine, she seems to be a great cook, but step up and say, "I'm the leader, Jeff do front-of-house, you're hot and the ladies will love you, I want to cook my menu." On the other team, Leah clearly had no leadership skills either, letting Stefan walk all over her, then whining and leaving to have a cigarette. Then making out with Hosea. Ugh. It was pathetic.

The next day there's HO-Leah and HO-sea awkwardness and a pointless montage of the teams shopping at Whole Foods and Restaurant Depot (this also could have been cut out of the episode, thereby making it a 45 minute show). The only drama occurred when no one could find lamb shanks (causing the word "SHANK" to be said more times in two minutes on any TV show, ever, including "Prison Break") and the producers had to re-edit Carla saying "Toyota Sequoia" into the scene.

Finally, the cooking:
Basically, both teams had issues, Radhika put Jamie in charge so she can decorate and gave no input to poor Carla about her desserts or the problems she was having with the freezer. Team Slut couldn't work together because of HO-sea and HO-Leah's lovefest and Stefan couldn't get his parfait to set up, either (but, he wisely MacGuyver-ed an ice bath to make it work (yay! Tim Gunn!)). HO-Leah then messed up her fish by portioning it and then attempting to de-bone it and yelled at HO-sea to redo his sauce. And Stefan cackled maniacally in the corner all the while making awesome sounding desserts - he is a true multi-tasker. Basically, the only good that came out of the cooking montage was Fabio putting on his suit and looking hot. Well, that and "we can serve money ass in a clam shell." WTF does that mean and why do I love it so much?

Service!
Sahana:
Apparently, all the waiters on Team Sahana were idiots - where did Bravo find these people? Who doesn't know how to keep a plate level to prevent carefully plated sauce from running all over the plate? Jamie was pissed Radhika didn't train the servers how to do this, but I think they should have know how to do this already. And, it didn't affect the final outcome of the show anyway, so (again), waste of air time. As far as the food goes, Jeff and Jamie both did good jobs.

(This is here because Jeff is hot, even when he makes ridiculous faces like this one)
All the food sounded good ("SHANK" was dropped a few more times), despite the ubiquitous scallop (on a chickpea cake, though, so SOLD!!), and everything appeared to be hot and delivered in a timely fashion. Carla and her desserts were a different story altogether, though, right? I feel badly for her, I think if the freezer had been working, she would have been on her game, Team Sahana would have won, and Ho-Leah would have gone home. As is was, though, the desserts sucked, due to Carla and (mostly) Radhika's apathetic attitude.

Sunset Lounge:
Fabio was adorable and darling and will absolutely be hired to run the front-of-house of my restaurant.

He and Stefan totally carried the Hos' asses on this one. Without Team Europe, Leah would have been knifed faster than she could say "I still love my boyfriend." As for the food, the short ribs sounded tasty, but that cod was pathetic. Seriously, Leah? I know you're off your game b/c of HO-sea, but it's just a piece of fish, for the JUDGES, no less. At least get that piece cooked properly. Stefan's desserts all looked awesome, and I don't even like dessert. I'm not really a Stefan fan personality-wise, but his food is amazing.

I will not be surprised if he wins the whole thing and certainly won't be upset if he does.

Judges' Table:
Team Slut won by a small margin, thanks entirely to Team Europe's charm and sweet tooth. Leah got reamed for being a ho and improperly cooking fish because she was too distracted by HO-sea's hot ass. Team Sahana lost because of Carla's crappy desserts and Radhika's total lack of leadership and deficit of basic interpersonal skills. After some shady editing and a commercial, Radhika gets sent home. Which, given the team that lost, I think is fair. However, it's clear to me (and probably all of you) that Leah has no business being there anymore. She can't cook a piece of fish which she KNOWS is going to the judges and lack the leadership skills to control a kitchen. How on earth can she even be considered for Top Chef?

Next week: All-stars? How is Andrew an all-star? Josie? Is that her name? Why are they dressed in football uniforms? Fabio yells at the guest judge about Italian restaurants!

Side note: Why is Toby still there? He contributes nothing of value to the show. One pithy comment about Elvis Presley and nothing else this week. Does he even know about food? Just because he's a white guy with glasses doesn't make him interchangeable with Ted Allen, Bravo producers.

Ed Helms Post of the Day

2009-01-22T10:45:00.000-05:00

Look what we have to look forward to in the post-Superbowl episode of "The Office:"

Also, check out edhelms.org for some pictures of Ed from Sundance - promoting "Manure" (which apparently sucks) and looking all-around adorable.

Here's a preview:

ZOMG! So adorable!

Here's another (although I'm not sure what's going on here):

Ed is the only one who looks remotely happy to be there. Tea looks like she wants to cut a bitch, Billy Bob is leering lecherously (think T-Bag on "Prison Break") and appears to be clenching his fist (getting ready to punch Ed for putting his arm around him?). And it looks like they photo-shopped Kyle MacLachlan in after the fact. Plus, he looks mildly deranged. Whatever, Ed looks good, that's all we care about, right?

The Return (of "Burn Notice")

2009-01-21T19:54:00.002-05:00

One of the best shows on TV returns for the start of the rest of it's second season tomorrow night - "Burn Notice."

Just thought I'd give you guys some non-Ed-Helms-related eye candy for a change. If you have time at work tomorrow (and I know you do), go to the USA website and catch up on the first half of season 2 and watch a clip of the first few minutes of tomorrow's episode. Want more? You can check out an interview with Bruce Campbell here.

When we last left Michael, he was getting blown up at his apartment. Once he recovers (after a nap, some yogurt, and a snarky rant by Sam), he'll head out to kick ass and take names. And figure out who burned him. I think he's supposed to find out who burned him at the end of this season, which should make for a good group of episodes leading up to the end of the season.

Definitely check out the show tomorrow at 10 pm in USA. What else are you going to watch? "ER?" The channel 11 news at 10? Anderson Cooper? Actually, it's OK if you watch AC...just TiVo "Burn Notice" to watch Saturday morning with a cup of coffee and a plate of eggs.

A Shout-Out to BW and PW

2009-01-17T11:40:00.008-05:00

Two of the most awesome people in the world, BW and PW, went on a trip to Las Vegas last year and, while there, purchased a fantastic Christmas present for me during their dinner at a restaurant I would love to go to*:

Yes, that's right, Thomas Keller's Bouchon Cookbook. But wait, it gets better...look at this:

Oh, hells yeah - it's the one with his autograph! What up, bitches? Now, as any good culinary-student-turned-at-home-cook (yes, I realize that's the opposite of what should actually happen), Thomas Keller is one of my idols. I guess he's the idol of a lot of chefs and home cooks, though. Look at French Laundry at Home for just one example of the many people who respect and admire him (and crazily cook all of his recipes!). I've read so much about him, including many of Michael Ruhlman's books, the numerous articles, and blog posts. My dream is to go to Napa Valley to drink wine for a week straight and eat at The French Laundry (you and me, BW!!). His dishes are known to be incredibly innovative and playful, while invoking familiar, comforting foods, kind of the opposite of what I enjoy cooking and eating (simple, flavorful comfort foods that invoke, well, comfort foods), so it's probably no surprise that I'm in complete awe of Keller and other like him. I could never do what he does. His culinary mind, probably his whole mind, is so well beyond anything creative I could ever come up with.

Which is why I'm going to attempt to cook a lovely meal from the book for BW and PW as a thank you for this awesome present (date and time TBD). I may not be as creative as, well, probably most of the chefs and cooks in the world, but I went to culinary school, I should be able to follow a recipe or three, right? Gosh, I hope so...otherwise this is going to be pretty embarrassing. And, lucky for you all, I'm going to totally document every culinary debacle and triumph - just for you.

So, the menu:

Option 1:
First Course - Scallops with Citrus-Braised Endive (page 168)
Second Course - Chicken in a Pot (page 200)
Third Course - Almond Cake with Strawberry-Rhubarb Compote (page 282)

Option 2:
First Course - Mussels with Leeks and Red Verjus (page 167)
Second Course - Skirt Steak with Caramelized Shallots and Red Wine Jus (page 209)
Third Course - Chocolate Terrine with Custard Sauce and Pistachios (page 289)

Option 3:
Whatever three dishes BW and PW pick (or a combo of the above) when we have our Lasagna Throwdown (B. Flay style).

(To be fair, I'll probably make some of the vegetable dishes in the book, too, but I'll wait on those until I figure out what main dishes I'm going to make).

OK, this is not going to be a regular thing...there's no way I have the time to cook all the foods from this cookbook, and, even if I did, I absolutely do not have the money to do so. Maybe once I have that awesome job in charge of craft services for "The Office," have seduced and married Ed Helms with my mac and cheese, and he can provide the funding for my cooking whims, I'll blog my way through my cookbook collection. For now, it's a three-course menu.

So, vote on the menu you want me to cook, or leave a suggestion. I'll attempt to cook almost anything (the only limiting factor is what I can find in central NJ), so the sky's almost the limit.

*They also awesomely stole the menu from their dinner for me, too...holla!

In Which I Honor the Protein: Top Chef Season 5 - Episode 8

2009-01-16T15:45:00.005-05:00

Alright, I had high hopes for this episode based on the previews...what's not to like? Hung returns? Awesome. Jamie and Jeff turning their noses up at processed foods? Brilliantly snotty. The chefs going to a farm (which I correctly assumed was Blue Hill Stone Barns, also know as the place where I would like to live and work)? Fantastic. The possibility of the chefs having to slaughter their own protein for dinner? And the killing being shown on cable? Even more awesome.* Jamie and Stefan calling each other douchebags? A level of awesomeness not attained on "Top Chef" since the smackdown of Marcel in the restaurant supply store during Season 2.

But, honestly, I was a little disappointed with the results of the challenges. I mean, overall, I think the concept of the each challenge was good (well, to be fair, one was INFINITELY better than the other), but the chefs and judges kind of let me down.

The SPAM/Turkey SPAM-sponsored Quickfire Challenge:

OK, they HAD to have a challenge where the chefs could only use crap, right? I mean, they always have those challenges, the vending machine challenge, the Swanson broth challenge...but, I found it quite interesting that the only thing they actually showed the brand name of were the GE ovens. The whole show is one big commercial food f***, why stop with this challenge? Maybe the companies weren't too keen on their products being referred to as crap? It's kind of funny how the sponsorships work, right? I mean, just last week they were extolling the virtues of diet Dr. Pepper, now they won't show the label on a can of Goya beans? Regardless, Jamie and Jeff's expressions were hilarious when the ingredients were finally revealed...it almost made the conspicuous lack of product placement worth it.

I think Jeff did the best job - his food was visually appealing and apparently tasted good. I was kind of mad Hung didn't pick him for the win, but I guess Stefan's tasted better. As for Jamie, WTF was she thinking? Radhika, too. What the hell guys? I know it's canned stuff, but there's no excuse for acting the way they did about it. I know all restaurants have cans of stuff around. And, chefs cook all night in their restaurants, I'm sure every single one of them has some frozen food, cans of black beans, and a few boxes of mac and cheese lying around for a quick meal when they get home. I was actually a little offended by the chefs saying, "Oh, this is fine for the home cook" or a "housewife." The hell? I think Ariane even said in her exit interview that Gene made SPAM at the apartment when he was on the show for a quick meal. To be fair, most chefs would probably only use a few canned or processed ingredients and liven them up with good, fresh stuff, but, come on guys. It's a challenge you know you were going to have, suck it up and plan for it.

The beautiful, completely product placement-free, Elimination Challenge:
How amazing was that farm? Really? I would give a lot to be able to go up there at the end of the summer, just grab whatever I could and spend the day cooking. I wanted to frolic naked through that tomato patch with a salt shaker, bottle of olive oil, and about 10 baguettes. Preferably with Fabio and Jeff there, too:

What an amazing opportunity for the chefs, and they all seemed to appreciate it, especially after the craptastic Quickfire. I imagine it was tough for them to adjust their menus based on what was available, but, when all the produce looks like that, I guess it's not such a bad thing.

Team Pig - I had high hopes for this team. I've made my love of Jeff pretty clear, as well as my love of pork, so they were my favorite going in. Radhika pissed me off with her snail-paced corn grilling (she didn't even look like she cared), but Fabio making pasta kind of made up for it. I'm a little upset they didn't do better in the end. I feel like the pork loin and ravioli were probably pretty good, it's just that judges expected things to be a little more simple and pig-flavored. Those fried green tomatoes looked fantastic, though, as did the side salad that apparently took three hours to make.

Team Chicken - Poor Carla. Seriously, she didn't deserve to be in the middle of that crap. Whatever weird, faux-sexual-tension thing is going on with Stefan and the person he thinks Jamie is is really disturbing. But, those bitches pulled it out though. I absolutely think roasted chicken is the best way to showcase a fantastic piece of poultry and Jamie's paillard was perfect for the season. And, for a second, can we talk about how awesome Carla's tart looked?

Look at it. Yum-dash-O! She really should have gotten the win all to herself, if only for putting up with the other two jackasses.

Team Lamb - What. The. Hell? Hosea and Leah's relationship is gross. I'm sorry. Don't they both had significant others? Can't you keep it in your pants for three weeks? I'm no fan of Ariane (in fact, I predicted she would go out the way that she did, just on the wrong week), but at least she stepped up and tried to do something, her team just totally bailed on her and, if I may employ the most over-used "Top Chef" expression ever, threw her under the bus. Leah, you're an idiot. Own up to the crappy job you did and admit that you did nothing. Hosea, admit that you're a cheater and a passive f***. Ariane, learn how to butcher and prepare lamb. I think Ariane A right choice to send home, let me explain. The point of the challenge was to "honor the protein," which she, and she alone, did not. Nor did she ask her team for help when she realized she was in way over her head. That said, Leah should have been sent home, too, for admitting that she knew how to butcher and tie lamb, but left Ariane to flounder, which she did basically nothing. That's unacceptable in any job, right? You help people who need help, bottom line. Plus she's just annoying and will clearly not win, so she might as well go home, right?

Next week: Restaurant Wars! Which is actually my most hated of all the "Top Chef" challenges, but more on that next week. Also, Radhika has a nervous breakdown.

P.S. WTF was Betty doing in that commercial/product placement crap with Stephanie? Poor Stephanie...I bet she tried to return her win after realizing she'd have to be in the same room as that crazy ho.

P.P.S. Stefan whispering "cock" was the best moment (hands down) of the season so far.

*Note: I love animals, I'm not all about hurting things unnecessarily or anything, I just think it's important that people realize their meat doesn't come from a Styrofoam container in the back of the grocery store.

Friday List of Random Things: Things I Got For Christmas That I Love

2009-01-09T12:10:00.008-05:00

1. Silver iPod Nano (16 GB)

And I HEART it. Really. You know, I never had an iPod before, I didn't want to be all stupid and trendy. I had a Creative mp3 player for a long time, it held a ton of songs, but that bitch was big (TWSS), then I downgraded to a 6 GB, much smaller Sansa. Unfortunately, the Sansa's wheel got all filled with random fuzz, pita chip crumbs, and other detritus from my bag and busted up. So, I broke down and asked my Dad for a new mp3 player for Christmas (it should be noted that my Dad's had an iPod for like 5 years, way ahead of the curve there). I really like the player, it's light, very small, and holds more songs than I own, but, I have to say, I'm not a huge fan of iTunes. Really. I'm annoyed that I have to figure out how to convert my videos to some format that can actually be played on my iPod. I'm totally confused when it comes to Podcasts and can't figure out how to add pictures. I realize this is really embarrassing for someone under 30 to admit, but I am: I'm an iPod virgin. Please help!

2. All-Clad Stainless pots (3 qt. sauce pan and 2 qt. saucier with lids)

Yeah, they're beautiful, I know. So far, I haven't used them for anything legitimate, though. Boiling water for pasta is not how a pot like this was intended to be used, I know, I'm sorry, I just haven't had the time to make a port reduction or a delicious apple, onion, mustard sauce to pour over a ham. I will, though, and I promise to write all about it. I will say that I finally got to get rid of some of the old pots that I had accumulated through the years of living with assorted roommates, which both emptied my kitchen and helped refine my (soon to be) ever-expanding cookware collection.

3. Books!
So many books, so little time: "Comfort Me with Apples" - Ruth Reichl (which I've read already and love), "The Nasty Bits" - Anthony Bourdain (which I'm surrently reading and also love), "Julie and Julia" - Julie Powell (I liked it, apparently it's going to be a movie, too), "On The Line" - Eric Ripert (he's hot, what can I say, also the book is good), "The End of Food" - Paul Roberts (haven't read it yet, probably will next. This is a topic near to my heart), "Heirloom: Notes from an Accidental Tomato Farmer" - Tim Stark (it sounded interesting, I haven't read it yet), and "More Information Than You Require" - John Hodgman (whom some of you may remember as a correspondent on "The Daily Show" or as PC). I'm going to try to get through them all by reading during lunch and in the evening, you know, instead of watching 8 hours of TV, but I don't know how well it'll work - I do love TV.

4. Mario Kart for Wii!

Ha! Awesome! I love, love, LOVE this game. It's addicting and so much fun to play with a group of people. We played for pretty much all of New Years Eve (until we switched over to the New Years Eve coverage, to watch Carson Daly awkwardly lurch Times Square). So far I've played and gotten good ratings on all the 50 cc courses, and I'm about half way through the 100 cc courses. I can't believe how horribly bad I am at Rainbow Road and Wario's Gold Mine, though. Like, it's pathetic. Pathetically sad. My ratings for the cups that contain those courses are, well, let's say not good. I need someone who's great at those levels to just play those for me wo I can move on to the 150 cc. Anyone? I'l cook food...

5. DVDs!

"Firefly" and "Pushing Daisies" Season 1 to be more specific. Also awesome! I haven't watched "Firefly" yet (I never watched it when it was on TV, either), but I love Nathan Fillion and Adam Baldwin (he's the best part of "Chuck," am I right, ladies?) so I'm excited to power through the whole series one weekend. As for "Pushing Daisies," it's hard to talk about it without tearing up, since ABC canceled it, so all I'll say is that the show is amazing, I suggest everyone go out and buy the DVD of season 1 and (when it come out) the DVD of season 2. In fact, the season 2 DVD will probably be the only place we'll get to see the last three episodes (don't get me started - why would you spend all that money to film the episodes, then not even show them on TV?). Perhaps the "Pushing Daisies" rant is best saved for another time.

So those are the highlights, to be fair, I got a bunch of other awesome stuff, too, but I don't want to ramble on aimlessly...five things is good enough for a Friday List, right?

I feel oddly like I need a diet Dr. Pepper: Top Chef Season 5 - "Focus Group"

2009-01-08T08:00:00.001-05:00

(A close second for the title was, "It's 'Top Chef,' not Top Scallops," thanks, Fabio)

Hooray! After two weeks off, we finally got a new "Top Chef" and it was kind of good, at least the Elimination Challenge. I was kind of confused by the blatant sponsorship of the QF challenge by Dr. Pepper, though. Normally it's all, "use Swanson broth" or make a gourmet meal out of this Dorito, the food is never actually INSERTED into the title of the Quickfire. I'm surprised the editors didn't have to make a new graphic with a Diet Dr. Pepper bottle instead of the usual QF intro. But, the EC won me over, as did a number of the chefs, but lets get to that later...

The Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire Challenge (I think I'm going to create my own sponsor for each of the challenges from now on):
I'm going to admit it, right here and now, I had a total issue with the QF last night - and not even for the reason you might think (DDP). Just because you have no WHITE SUGAR in a food does NOT MAKE IT DIET!!! Did you hear some of the words the chefs were throwing around to describe what they were making or their final dish? Deep-fried. Honey. Nuts. Walnut oil. Bread Pudding. Ricotta cheese. Which one of those screams diet to you? Um, none? This is what makes me mad. It's fine to make a refined-sugar free dessert, but it's not any more diet than a piece of chocolate cake if you're just going to deep fry that bitch and cover it in honey.

That said, Jeff's baklava spring roll sounded awesome, as did his ice cream - he always makes sorbets and stuff, maybe because he's from Florida? Whatever, I'm not complaining, he could make me ice cream everyday...then preferably feed it to me on a private beach. Radhika's dessert looked good, too, I do like bread pudding, but, still, not so much a diet food. Ariane's plate looked gross, I don't know what was up with beauty shot, but the melted whipped cream all over the crepes looked horrible. Look at it!!!
Also, not food related, but was Stefan kind of flirting with Jean-Christophe? I didn't understand what was going on there...even Padma looked confused (well, more confused than normal). I was kind of pulling for Jeff to win the DDPQF, but, alas, he was beaten by Radhika (fairly, I guess, not having tasted the food) - it's OK, Jeff, there's always next week.

The Purina Cat Chow Elimination Challenge:
Was anyone else concerned when Padma said they had the night off? I expected they would send the chefs out to a club, then make them cook dessert for the drunken masses, a la Miami...remember Casey and the heels? Ugh. Luckily, they surprised me by actually sticking to their words and Tommy C. waited until the next morning to come to the house to give the chefs their challenge. (Sidebar, Fabio being worried about the house being messy for Tom was the cutest thing ever). The challenge was great. I think it should have been one of the earlier challenges, though, so the judges and other chefs could get a sense of each others' style and ability level. I guess it made sense to have it now, especially after reading this, to really get the chefs back on track and into their comfort zone for a challenge, to really see what they could do with (relatively) no limits. I think it was a rare opportunity for the chefs to directly hear the judges comments, as well as the insights of their fellow competitors, which I imagine is both painful and extremely beneficial. How many chefs get that level of insightful critique, week after week? I have my doubts as to how "blind" the tasting could be, I mean, I'd expect that the other chefs, Padma, and especially Tom, would know each of the other chefs style's by now.

The Food:
Group A:
Melissa - Tuna Tacos - WTF? I would absolutely not make tacos as my "signature dish," given the resources available to them and the time they had.
Hosea - Halibut wrapped in bacon! Sold! I was sorry to hear the fish had been overcooked, it sounded really good. Bacon, what's not to love?
Radhika - Her soup sounded delicious, I'm sorry it didn't turn out all that great, but she had immunity, so it wasn't really that relevant.
Fabio - Did anyone else here the Italian music start up as soon as he popped up on TV, rolling pasta?

His dish sounded really good, I can't believe he undercooked the lamb, though (insert sad-face emoticon). Maybe Ariane should have told him how to properly cook protein, since that's apparently her forte.
Jamie - UGH!!! Scallops! Cook something else! Nothing else needs be said, except that it probably was a fantastic dish, if not very inspired.

Sidenote: Why do I have to watch commercials for "The City" and (gag) "Bromance" on Bravo?

Here is a direct transcript of my notes from last night, specifically when I realized the other chefs were judging Group A's food:
HAHAHAHAHA! They have to judge the other groups' dishes!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Doesn't Group B get an advantage, then? Since they'll know how the judges critique the food? Especially Toby? And, they get to watch the review on TV? Tom cackling about Toby and the WMDs!!! Ugh, yeah, they liked the unoriginal scallops. But, hooray for Fabio (minus the lamb). Gene - not so good. Melissa - cat food? Really not so good.

Group B: (was anyone confused as to why the chefs were allowed to bring their Whole Foods carts out onto the streets of Manhattan to bring their groceries to the kitchen? Aren't you not allowed to remove shopping carts from the store?)

I think the Group B was fairly non-critical of Group A. Maybe they edited out the worst of it (although i doubt it, Bravo is all about the reality TV drama), but they were very fair and constructive in their criticism of the dishes, in my opinion. It must be tough to judge your friends' food.

Jeff - I don't know what to say, why does he always do so many dishes? He creates so much work for himself. I bet if he had focused on one actual family-style dish, he would have done awesome. Leah - I can't believe she admitted to doing something she had never done before - has she learned nothing from the ostrich egg debacle?
Ariane - Ugh. I hate to say it, but it sounded really good. Skate, capers, pineapple? What's not to like? And, again, she cooks her protein perfectly.
Stefan - full disclosure: I'm German/Eastern European and heart German/Eastern European food, so I was practically licking my TV when I saw his dish...God, that cabbage looked delicious. Perhaps the dish was a tad heavy for August, but I'm going to let that slide, that was probably my favorite dish of the challenge.

Carla - what happened? Her risotto sounded like it would have been good, she should have just stuck with that and not second-guessed herself, but I guess that's easy for me to say as an outsider. At least she realized it in the end.

Judge's Table:
Jamie, Ariane, Stefan were in the top three.
Jamie won and got cocky, as predicted. I guess I'm not surprised, her food is always good-looking and sounds tasty, I just get a weird, bad-attitude vibe from her. Kind of like another hated contestant from last season, who will not be named. Stefan's dish was my favorite (and he's on my TC Fantasy Team) so I was kind of pulling for him and his crappy attitude, but I'm good with the winner.

Melissa, Gene, Carla were in the bottom three, again, not shocking. Gene was getting the loser-edit from the beginning (calling his family early on during the episode, also serving to plug T-Mobile) and he clearly got in over his head with the whole fish, although the idea of it sounded good. I can't get behind his daikon with tomato, though...WTF was he thinking? As for Melissa, well, I think she just phoned it in, which sucks, because this was the challenge to really shine. I'm kind of upset her food was compared to cat food, though, that was probably unnecessary. Carla - I'm not surprised she was the one to stay, her dish suffered from over complication, but her original idea (risotto alone) was actually good. Plus, she was able to articulately explain her thought process going into the dish, as well as how it could be changed to be better. The other two were just bad all around, one too creative and the other not creative enough. I've actually found myself liking Carla more, so I'm also happy she gets to stay and amuse us with her other crazy antics.

As for the new judge - whatever. I think he just wanted to come out swinging as a douchebag and go from there. I don't quite know why. Why would you want people to think you're an asshole right off the bat? I guess he knows what he's talking about or they wouldn't have brought him on, but that doesn't make me miss Ted Allen less. As long as Toby tones it down and actually talks about the food, I'm good with him. I really only Tom, anyway.

Next week: Hung! A farm (do they have to kill their own meal?)! Stefan and Jamie act like douchebags! And actually say they are douchebags!

My New Years Resolution is...

2009-01-05T09:05:00.001-05:00

OK, so this is old...I probably even posted this before, but it's no less appropriate. Wait for the end, then you'll get it...

Celebrity New Year's Resolutions - watch more funny videos

The Top Ten "Top Lists" of 2008...continued

2009-01-01T10:50:00.001-05:00

1. Well, I have to plug myself somewhere, right? The top ten adventures of Iko in 2008:

10. Field trip to Bar Americain.

9. Stalking Ian Riggs and Ethan Lipton.
8. The trip when we were rejected by "The Daily Show."
7. The trip when we got to see "The Daily Show."
6. Seeing Stephen the first time!
5. The outing to Otto and "Clinical Depression."

4. "The Daily Show"/"Colbert Report" Improv Jam.
3. Going to DC to see Stephen's portrait. Also, Jamon Iberico.

2. Getting to shake Stephen Colbert's hand!!!
1. (Was there any doubt?) Stalking Ed Helms at Parkside Lounge.

How could anyone not put that face at number 1?

Bonus list item: the entire trip to Toronto,

especially seeing A-Rod and Jeter, talking to Johnny Damon, and seeing Pudge order an extra shot to add to his vodka tonic. Also, beer straw.

Happy 2009

2009-01-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

Ed and Stephen would like to wish all the AbS readers a Happy New Year!

I would too.

The Top Ten "Top Lists" of 2008

2008-12-31T10:00:00.009-05:00

It's the end of the year, time for every website, blog, newspaper, magazine, whatever to list the top _____ of 2008. Lucky for you guys, I've assembled all the best top lists here, so, you know...one stop shopping.

10. Pop Candy's top 100 people of 2008. I included this list because two of my favorite people, Ed Helms and Tina Fey, made it on the list. One of them was even number 1. I'll let you wait in suspense as to which one it was, though.

9. The Serious Eats list of all the times they mentioned bacon on their site. Not technically a "top list" but, anything with bacon can't be bad. It's also a good way to get started on your New Years resolution - to eat more bacon.

8. AOL News' Top Ten Space Stories of 2008 - random, I know, but check out number 10, then you'll understand. Also, I'm a science nerd.

7. The Watcher's list of the top 10 TV shows of 2008. Clearly I agree with "30 Rock" and "Chuck" and wish more people would watch them so they don't go the same way as the brilliant "Pushing Daisies." I haven't seen "Mad Men" yet, but I'm planning on getting season 1 on DVD as soon as possible (read" after I save up some money after the Christmas present spending debacle) and powering through it as quickly as my DVD player will allow

6. The top 15 stink faces made by famous people during 2008, also from BWE. I think that picture of John McCain and Barack Obama is comedy gold, so just having that picture on any list = high marks from me. But, that Hugh Jackman face is a close, close second.

5. TV Squad's Ten New Shows to Look Forward to in 2009. Because, let's face it. All the new fall shows sucked. I started watching a few of them, then just gave the F up. Even returning shows were kind of lacking (I'm looking at you, "The Office" and "How I Met Your Mother"). So, I'm hoping some of these shows starting up in early 2009 will be made of awesome. I'm excited for "Dollhouse" and "Castle" (Nathan Fillion - yes, please!) and I have high hopes for Amy Poehler and her new show (hopefully Rashida Jones won't be the show killer she almost invariably turns out to be).

4. Televisionary's top TV picks of 2008. I almost 100% agree with this list and practically anything Jace says about TV. "Top Chef" is the best reality show, "The Office" was absolutely the biggest letdown of the year, and the cancellation of "Pushing Daisies" was awful. Plus, his picks for the best comedies are spot on, IASiP, "30 Rock," and "Chuck?" Perfect. I highly recommend his blog for everyday, take-a-break-from-work reading, too.

3. The top ten posts on A Hamburger Today. I just discovered this blog in the past few months, even though I've been reading Serious Eats forever. It's where I discovered the debacle that was the grilled cheese burger, among other heart-attack-inducing and delicious items. I will say that you should click on the Paula Deen and the 12-year old McDonalds burger posts at your own risk.

2. Best Week Ever's 10 Funniest Sports Franchises of 2008. This is an awesome list - so funny, yet so true...and I'm a Yankees fan. I do think the Mets should have been higher on the list, though, I mean, come ON. Losing out on the playoffs two years in a row, on the last game of the season? You can't make that up.

Tomorrow - the number 1 list of things that happened in 2008...

ZOMG! ED! WTF?! Brooke Shields?

2008-12-30T02:53:00.018-05:00

(Some of you may remember a similar post last year. If you want to relive that debacle, or if you haven't heard of my degeneracy, go here.)

OK, so we went to NYC last night to catch the (apparently) annual The Lonesome Trio show at Parkside Lounge. We got there around 8:30 and headed to the back for the show - All Night Cookin' was supposed to start at 8:30, but no one was playing and there were tons of empty seats (score for us). A quick scan of the room yielded Ed Helms and Ian Riggs sitting across the room from us, drinking and chatting with friends and family (score two for us). I totally geeked out, just like last year. So pathetic. Believe me, I'm completely aware of it.

All Night Cookin' started playing around 9, they had a good set, the crowd was into it, but, clearly I was waiting for Ed. Unfortunately, he didn't stay in the room while ANC was playing, so I couldn't leer awkwardly at him from afar, in the style of last year, although that's probably why he wasn't in the room, right? He took one look at me and was like, peace out, crazy staring ho is here.

After ANC was done playing, Ed, Ian, and Jacob started setting up and I took the obligatory Ed ass shot:

Look at how cute he is in the jacket...sigh. Here's another one:

So, they started playing pretty much right away, and they were AWESOME! You can really tell they're all friends and have been playing together for years, they have great on stage chemistry...even when they messed up, they just kept going, laughing the whole time. I will say, too, that Ed seemed particularly giddy throughout the whole set. He was joking with the audience and telling stories...perhaps he has a new girlfriend and that's what's making him so happy? Perhaps this girlfriend's name is Iko? Gosh, I wish. Anyway, Ed told an story about how he went for a walk in Central Park, all the while thinking, "New York is so beautiful," then a random guy spit across the sidewalk toward him (Ed "saw the arc"). Nice. He also pointed out the awesomeness that was the holiday decorations in the back room - wrapping paper on the walls and the racial harmony of black and white Santa Claus's spaced across the walls:

Perfect!

I took a ton of pictures throughout the show, unfortunately, I had some trouble getting legitimate pictures, as it was dark in there, and I have no idea how to use my camera in low-light situations. Here are a bunch of the best ones, though.

Ed looking on in amazement as the two other banjo players play EACH OTHER'S banjos:

Ed rocking the banjo:

Group shot at the end of the night:

The Lonesome Trio (Ian singing):

More Lonesome Trio:

And, the best shot of the night, just because he looks so adorable when he smiles:

And, here are two videos I took, the first is Ed singing "All Gone to Hell" and the second is a song, that I don't know the name of, but it's awesome because Ed plays the mandolin. I apologize in advance that you can here me fangirling about Ed and the mandolin before the song starts and then rambling about Ed playing the sitar in "Moroccan Christmas." I'm lame, I know.

So, we stayed until the end. After The Lonesome Trio played, they all took a break, then reconvened to play together. That break was my chance to talk to Ed and take (another - yes I know I'm a stalker) picture with him, but I missed my chance, sadly. I did actually go out to the bar during the break to get a drink and I did see him, but I was a) too afraid to actually speak to him, as I knew I would probably blurt out something ridiculously lame and b) too afraid to interrupt his conversation with, wait for it, Brooke Shields and husband (yeah, I know, WTF?!!? right? How are they even friends? Why was she at the Parkside Lounge?) because, let me tell you, Brooke Shields, even wearing no makeup, hair under a newsboy cap, wearing a baggy sweatshirt, is still incredibly, intimidatingly beautiful. There was no way in F this bridge-and-tunnel Jersey girl was going anywhere near her when she was talking to Ed. There would clearly be no comparison. It's like putting a piece of fish, beautifully prepared by Eric Ripert, next to a Fish sandwich from Long John Silvers.

So, I hung my head and scurried back to the stage-area and sat back down. The two bands started playing together (still no Ed), but they were really good. Finally, one of them was like, "where's Ed?" At which point I should have been like, "Oh, he's outside, let me go get him" (and by "get him" I mean, clearly, make out with him, then bring him on stage). Instead, someone else grabbed him and they all played a few more songs together.

People in the audience and members of both bands slowly left as the evening wore on, until just a few people were left. Including me and Ed. So, that was my second chance, but I blew that too (that's what she said), by not having the balls to actually go up to him to tell him he did an awesome job and ask for a picture. Honestly, I just felt badly because he was clearly talking to his friends and family...I didn't want to be that stupid girl that interrupts conversations with old friends and close family members to say, "ZOMG!!! ED HELMS!!! You'resodreamyOMG!" So, we just left, happy having seen Ed and gotten an incredibly enjoyable evening of music to boot. I kind of wish I had been able to talk to him, just for a second, but, like I said before, I would have undoubtedly acted like a jackass, then berated myself for like weeks afterward, so it's best to squee from afar and not be embarrassed.

Thus ended the evening of great music and awkward leering. A good time was had by all, I can't wait for December 29th next year, for another show.

ZOMG! Lonesome Trio!

2008-12-29T15:00:00.002-05:00

The Lonesome Trio is playing tonight, at the Parkside Lounge in NYC, and guess who's going? Hopefully a full and awesome report to come!

Top Chef Season 5 - Episode 6: The Twelve Days of Christmas

2008-12-29T14:38:00.005-05:00

So, I finally got around to watching the episode, I know, I know. But it was Christmas, and I was away, and it was Christmas...

Anyway, the predictions:
1. Martha DID show up, but only for the QF, unfortunately. I figured she'd at least want to guest judge some real food for the EC. She basically showed up to plug her book and left, right? At least she was nice to the chefs about their food, with the exception of my boy Gene...WTF is up with him lately? Point to me.
2. Jeff did make good looking food (and was good-looking himself) and did get very little screen time. Point to me.
3. Fabio did TRY to charm Martha with his accent, but didn't hit on Padma, I'll give myself 1/2 point.
4. Stefan didn't really have much screen time, but I'll assume he acted like a cock-monkey, 1/2 point to me.
5. Jamie didn't punch Stefan in the face (that we saw). Did he look like he was sporting a black eye at any point? No points.
6. God! When will Ariane go home? At least she cooked the meat properly and then won the stupid QF. I guess I was exactly wrong, so I should give myself bonus points for predicting the exact opposite of what happened, but I won't. No points.
7. None of this happened, thank God. But I did kind of get a little jealousy from Leah when the ladies were all up in Hosea's food at the benefit, so maybe that's 1/2 point.
8. This was way off. Radhika got lots of screen time, thanks to the broken fridge and Gene got lots of screen time for all the wrong reasons. I'll give myself 1/4 point for predicting that Radhika would make interesting food, though. That duck sounded awesome!
9. Melissa was uninteresting and should have gone home. 1 point.
10. Carla did shriek about Martha, but more about the fantastic gospel choir, so 1/2 point.

As for the other predictions:
I was way off about the QF theme, although I think it was a good one - one pot meal. I think it's completely bootleg that the chefs could use one pot and keep dumping stuff out of it, saving it, then cleaning the pot and reusing it, though. Wouldn't putting each part of the meal in a separate bowl and then combining everything back together create just as many dishes as using multiple pots? I think they should have just made the chefs use one pot, total, no cleaning. Much more interesting that way.

No one made dessert and no one said "throw me under the bus" so no points there. Tom did get to eat with everyone else (yay!) so 1 point, and I think Padma did wear only holiday-themed colors ( I don't remember what she wore in the QF), so I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt with 1 more point.

Total: 7 1/4 points. Not too bad. If I had actually read the title of the episode, I may have actually been able to predict the theme of the EC, but, alas, I'm not that bright.

Final thoughts - I love, love, loved how all the chefs banded together to help Radhika and Hosea, and that the two of them ended up with the best dishes. Fantastic. This is why I like this show - chefs know that at the end of the day, you have to help each other out or nothing gets done and everyone goes home. I'm positive that extra work, helping Radhika and Hosea, is why the rest of the food suffered, though. I imagine they all must have been so tired to begin with, then having to make all new food for the two of them just sent everyone over the edge. I would have liked to see what they would have come up with had the fridge not broken on them overnight.

I don't think there's a new episode this week, due to New Years, right? So I'll be back the following Wed. with a recap of the delicious goings on. In the meantime, I would like it to be known that I'm actually going to see The Lonesome Trio tonight (ED!!!!!), so hopefully, I'll be back with some good pictures and maybe video from the show. I hope everyone had a great holiday season!

Top Chef Season 5 - Episode 6: In Which I Blog About The Episode Before It Happens

2008-12-16T18:53:00.004-05:00

So, I'm heading up to MA to visit my mom for the next few days, meaning I will not get the chance to update my blog, or (sniff, sad face) watch ANY TV. Yes. That's right. She has no TV and have no slingbox, so I'm pretty much incommunicado with my favorite vice until Sunday evening. So, in lieu of writing about the episode, I'll just post my predictions and thoughts about what will probably happen during tomorrow's Christmas episode. Then, when I come back on Sunday, I get the chance to see how much ESP(N) I have.

Full disclosure: my current "Top Chef" fantasy team consists of Stefan, Fabio, and Jeff, thus, my precognitive abilities may favor them.

1. Martha Stewart will show up as the guest judge (I know, but you need to give me one, come on...NO TV FOR 5 DAYS!!)
And now for each of the chefs:
2. Jeff will do nothing of consequence, other then make delicious food that looks pretty, he will seem kind of douche-y throughout the entire episode, and get no screen time.
3. Fabio will charm Martha with his accent. He will also hit on Padma.
4. Stefan will act like a cock-monkey.
5. Jamie will punch Stefan in the face after he tries to drunkenly paw at her, then proceed to act exactly like Stefan - cocky and mean.
6. Ariane will finally go home after failing to cook a slab of meat properly. She also will probably interview that she loves Martha Stewart.
7. Hosea and Leah will finally hook up (during that stupid 20 second segment they always air right before the elimination) and Stefan will douchily watch.
8. Radhika and Gene will get no screen time, yet both make interesting, inspired, and delicious-sounding food.
9. Melissa will be uninteresting, wear a stupid, green, trucker hat, and go home if Ariane doesn't.
10. Carla will shriek and yell when she sees Martha and then make some wacky-ass comments about her.

Predictions about the Quickfire: definitely holiday-themed, probably involving alcohol. Maybe some other product placement - they already did Swanson broth, what else can they use that's marginally holiday-related? Stovetop stuffing? Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup? Elimination challenge - a team challenge, serve a holiday meal to...someone related to Martha? Her crew? Someone famous who allegedly likes "Top Chef?" (I'm looking at you, Foo Fighters).

Other random predictions:
1. Someone will make dessert.
2. Someone will use the phrase "throw me under the bus."
3. Tom will actually get to eat with the other judges during the episode, not alone, hunkered down over a prep counter in the restaurant kitchen.
4. Padma will wear only holiday-themed colors.

OK, I think I've made enough predictions - one of them has to come true, right? I can't wait to come back on Sunday night and see what happened on the show. Have a good week, everyone!

Ed Helms Post of the Day (also Bradley Cooper)

2008-12-15T10:55:00.004-05:00

Popcandy named Ed one of the top 100 people of 2008!! Although I think 80 is a little low on the list...I'd make him like 10. Who am I kidding? He's clearly 1.

Here are a few pictures from Ed's new movie, "The Hangover." Images and a brief description of the movie here.

Some initial thoughts? I'm glad you asked. Since I love stupidly funny movies (read: "Anchorman," "Wedding Crashers," "The 40 Year-old Virgin") of which I'm assuming this is, I will definitely go see this. I'll probably drag a bunch of you with me, since it comes out in June, near my birthday. Why will I see it? I'm assuming Ed Helms is as funny as he is adorable in it (I want to just give him a hug and tend to his wounds in that second picture), also Bradley Cooper is hot, even with that ridiculous hair he's sporting, as first stated here. I imagine there will be a bunch of stupid, bathroom-like humor, probably some gratuitous nudity, and possibly a shirtless Ed (more likely, but no less needed, Bradley Cooper). It's really win-win(-win). Well, win-win-win for me, not so much for those of you who have to listen to me squeal with delight throughout the movie.

In Which I Say WTF?!?! Many Times: Top Chef - Episode 5

2008-12-11T15:15:00.001-05:00

OK, did anyone have any doubt in their mind as to who was going home? As soon as Danny was all like, "She'll be a hot bride" about Gail and started making and adding those inexplicable mushrooms to the salad, I knew it was over for him. He seemed like he was a nice, funny guy, but was WAY too cocky this episode for my taste (and apparently, the judges) and I still cannot believe he's 25. Seriously? Chef work has made him look 40.

In the opening segment, I found it hysterical that Ariane was sweeping the house. First, they don't have someone come in and clean for them? Second, it was awesome that the mom was taking care of everyone. Also, Stefan hitting on Jamie was great. Does he not know what lesbian means?

Anyway, onto the Quickfire Challenege. I like the palate challenges. Ever since they started having them, I think they've been interesting and actually showcase a talent many great chefs have. That said, I think this version sucked. I didn't understand that they had to outbid each other for the first round, and I don't think Danny did, either. Once I did get it, I just kind of thought it was stupid. Why couldn't they each just write down as many ingredients as they could identify, then eliminate the one who got the least (or the most wrong). They way it was set up, you could move on without even doing anything. Dumb. Even more dumb, Hosea winning by correctly identifying vegetable oil. However, it did bring us the highlight of the evening, Stefan saying, "I don't give a f*** about these people." Both awesome and not, as it made me lose points on my Bravo.com fantasy team.

Elimination Challenge - cook for Gail's bridal shower. I think this was a tough challenge, because the chefs had to cook for people that know a lot about food, know what they like and don't like, and would be hyper-critical of anything the chefs put out for them to eat. That said, I feel like the chefs are always complaining about having to cook for people with uneducated or retarded palates, or whatever, so they really had the chance to try out some very complex and refined dishes. I think it would have been better if they had gotten to choose a course (appetizer, salad, fish, meat), rather than theme each dish after "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." Plus, the way the courses went out didn't make any sense. The tomato course was alright as a starter, but after that, the system kind of broke down, right? I mean who wants to eat sea bass after eating a chunk of lamb with Indian spices? Maybe that was the chefs' fault for not talking with one another about the logical progression of the courses, but it seemed a little odd to me.

Random musings on the EC:

- Of course, Ariane, no one who ISN'T married could possibly know the "something old, something new..." phrase.
- Stefan's been married twice. To the same woman. And is now divorced. Again.
- I was almost too amused by Danny lifting weights while Stefan and Eugene sat around and smoked right in front of him. It would only have been better if Danny had been smoking WHILE lifting.

Borrowed: Indian (Radhika, Jamie, Ariane) - lamb
New: Surf and Turf Sushi Roll (Eugene, Danny, Carla) Tom says it's crazy (spectacular or horrible), rice gets overcooked, Eugene adds chili
Blue Melissa, Fabio, Leaf, Sea Bass "ocean" Tom says it's boring
Old: Tomatoes (Stephan, Hosea, Jeff) trio - tureen, carpaccio, gazpacho

At the shower the next day:
Why did Padma feel the need to say "beee-YOU-tiful women." Then Fabio had to copy her later and say it again! WTF? It was awesome that Tom had to lurk and leer about in the because he wasn't allowed to eat with the women at the shower. I felt so bad for him every time the camera showed him, all alone, shoveling food into his face in the kitchen. Although, I think I would have preferred to not eat with 40 women, so maybe he got the better end of the deal, getting to eat alone.

Team Old: Tomato trio. This was a nice first course and it all looked really good, too. The tomato sorbet sounded delicious and I love all heirloom tomatoes, so I imagine the terrine and gazpacho were both awesome, too. Despite Stefan's lack of team-playing, I think they did a good job, although it was probably helped by Hosea having immunity and not being a third voice, arguing about what to serve.

Team New: Ugh. WTF was up with Danny and those mushrooms? I would have cut him if he tried to mangle a dish I had made like that...Carla is a much stronger woman than I am to hold back and not freak the F out. I loved Hosea talking smack about their ridiculous plate, mostly because I was thinking the exact same thing when I saw what they were making. It looked like some kind of plate you'd get at Denny's or your local diner, if they served make-your-own-sushi. Even worse, Danny had to go and say "splooge" in reference to their food. To which I responded, "gross." Then he followed it up with a reference to the bridal shower attendees "taking their clothes off." To which I responded, "more gross."

Team Borrowed: Some lamb with Indian spices, carrot puree, and wilted chard. Um, yum? I'll take two, please. I'm kind of mad everything ended up OK for them, even though Ariane proved, once again, that she has no place in a fast-paced restaurant kitchen. But, I'm glad for Jamie and Radhika that it turned out OK. Actually, I guess I'm mostly glad for Ariane, I think Jamie would have cut her if the lamb wasn't done on time. The best part of their entire segment was Tom angrily leering at them while they were standing around waiting for the lamb to finish cooking.

Team Blue: I agree that it seemed a little blah, especially after the lamb, but I think that goes back to stupid course placement and themes. It was extremely smart of them to send Fabio up to talk to the ladies, though. I would eat almost anything Fabio served to me if he called me "beeee-YOU-tiful" first. For serious. Bitch is hot.

Judge's Table:
Not really a surprise - Old and Borrowed win. Ha! Best part - Stefan's face when the judges told Jeff that his sorbet was the best part of the dish. Worst part - Ariane winning for basically roasting some lamb. WTF? At least Jeff's sorbet was difficult, and don't get me started on the tomato terrine. What about the delightful carrot puree? I'm not saying roasting 8 racks of lamb to perfection is easy, but I think a lot of dishes were more creative and involved, not to mention that some of those chefs did a lot more work than Ariane.

Also not a surprise, New and Blue lose. Eugene and Carla both kind of bailed on their defense of the dish, while Danny stuck with it. And that was his death knell. Note to the chefs: if Tom is basically trying to get you to say you think a dish could have been better, say it. SAY IT!! I kind of felt badly for Fabio when they started smack-talking his fish, but it was good that he kept his mouth shut (for the most part, not until I had lost more points on my fantasy team, though).

In the end, it was Danny, for having a craptacular plate and palate, and for defending an indefensible dish. And probably for calling Gail a hot bride, too, who am I kidding? WTF? Hopefully, next week, Eugene will pull out a win and Fabio will continue to be hot. And Stefan will leave Jamie alone. And Melissa will get rid of that stupid green trucker hat. WTF?

The Real Ed Helms Post of the Day

2008-12-08T19:36:00.002-05:00

SPOILER ALERT!

He's so talented - he plays the sitar!!! Instrument tally: 5

Guitar, mandolin, banjo, piano, sitar.

Like Minivans and Candles: The Ed Helms Post of the Day

2008-12-08T18:55:00.008-05:00

You may remember this post. Or not, that's fair - it was a while ago. But, I wanted to remind you, since the day has finally come: the web series in which Jason Sudeikis and Ed Helms are both a part of premiered today at The WB. While they don't actually share any scenes, and, really don't have such big parts, the series is pretty funny and definitely worth a watch. I watched all ten episodes today (at work, don't tell), basically in succession, and it helped me pass the time nicely, you know, instead of running some ANCOVAs in SAS.

The series is called Children's Hospital, and it's a spoof on all the medical dramas on TV. Think Scrubs, but MUCH more NSFW (and more hilarious). Rob Corddry created the series and wrote all the scripts, but also stars as a doctor who tries to heal with the power of laughter (comedy gold, right? I know). The always funny Megan Mullally also stars as the chief surgeon and one of my favorites from the fantastic Veronica Mars (RIP), Ken Marino also stars. I won't give too much away (the episodes are only like 4 minutes long, you can power-through them during your lunch break) but sufficed to say there's a lot of making out, doctors making out with each other, doctors making out with patients (who may or may not be 6 years-old), doctors performing vasectomies on said 6 year-olds, creepy clowns, and Ed Helms' tongue. Hot.

Also, the fact that Ed is in the series gives me an excuse to post this awesome picture again:

Happy Monday! Enjoy Children's Hospital!

P.S. If you watch the preview for the series, you may recognize a familiar, and quite attractive, voice.

Top Chef Season 5: "Today Show: Rocco DiSpirito"

2008-12-04T16:00:00.004-05:00

I should really subtitle this post, "Today Show: Rocco DiSpirito or the overuse of 'little.'" Seriously. What was that about? Every chef, in describing their Quickfire and Elimination Challenge dish, used the word little excessively. "I just put a little balsamic drizzle on it." I made a little toast with a little egg and a little tomato." "I just did a little..." and "I just took a little..." "And I just took out my little knife and cut you." (OK, that last one I made up). Seriously, listen for it next week, soon it's all you'll hear and have to stop watching "top Chef" before your anger forces you to throw your mug of licorice tea at your flat screen.

Anyway, the Quickfire challenge was alright, I like the idea of having each chef make and Amuse Bouche, although I kind of wish it was one that reflected their culinary point of view, rather than breakfast. I don't think any restaurant serves breakfast amuses (?). It seemed like a kind of random meal to have them prepare. Although, now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it was because the winners of the EC were going to The Today Show in the morning, morning = breakfast...I don't know, maybe that's a stretch. Regardless, Leah's was by far my favorite, both in looks and in my imagination of how delicious it would taste (it was my favorite dish of the episode). Jamie's looked good, too, but I agree with Leah, the challenge was to make one bite, not make a mini breakfast. I think trying to eat a fried egg, with your hands, in two bites, might be the most disgusting thing ever, I'm sorry to all of you who feel she was being bitchy and nitpicky. I think she was right and I'm glad Leah won for both making something delicious and following the rules of the challenge.

Also, why do they insist on bringing Rocco back every season? That bitch gets more and more annoying each time I see him. He's so arrogant. And kind of a douchebag. I believe heprobably is a very talented chef, he should have just stuck to the kitchen and not put himself out there for ridicule...I wish Anthony Bourdain and Rocco would judge the same challenege, then just argue between each other, culminating in Tony kicking the crap out of Rocco, followed by them both sitting in the stew room, passing a bottle of wine between them.

And I LOVED Fabio calling him out about not being Italian, but at least he was complimentary of Rocco's food - I guess you don't want to talk smack about someone who'll be deciding if you go home. Fabio's kind of growing on me, though, I'm so glad the editors have stopped focusing on Stefan and Fabio being douchey about Europe and are now focusing on Fabio's awesome sense of humor and his actual ability to cook. That said what's up with Stefan? And Eugene? I think they had a combined 10 seconds on camera last night...

The Elimination Challenge was stupid. I'm sorry, I said it. They did the challenge better on Next Food Network Star, and that's not really saying much. I mean, come on. Let's throw a bunch of chefs with no TV background in front of a camera with no training and no helpful pointers, then just rip them apart for being uncomfortable or pissy-looking. You know, I get that it's important for chefs nowadays to be comfortable in front of the camera, but that's something you get with time and practice, not with a two and a half minute demo, one time. Remember what Emeril and Bobby looked like during the early days of Food Network? yeah, not pretty. I don't remember, but I bet Tommy C. wasn't that great during the first few episodes of Top Chef Season 1, either, and he didn't even have to cook anything. If there had been some training or if they all had to demo the same dish, at least there could have been a more fair comparison among the contestants. It's like they couldn't think of a challenge, then Kathy Lee Gifford called them up, begging to do a segment on Top Chef and the producers were like, "Well, we don't have anything better to do..." Whatever. It's done, and Alex got to go back home to his fiance to write his vows.

For the winners of the EC: I think Jeff was hilarious the entire time - he was so pissy, it was awesome. I don't remember exactly what he said, but his interview about having to serve Middle Eastern food to a bunch of ladies with average palates at 5 am was hysterical! I was actually choking on my aforementioned licorice tea. Fabio, too, was adorable ("I'm fresh out of the boat"), I'm glad he was one of the top three - it seemed like he was a little bit nervous about talking about his food on camera, so it's good to see him come through. As for Ariane, I don't know. She clearly has no shot at winning and I don't know what to say after that. I think her salad sounded good, and it was presumably seasonal when the episode was filmed in August or so, but I kind of agree with those who said she too the easy way out. I mean, I probably would have done the same thing, if I only had two and a half minutes, but I'm not trying to say I'm one of the best chefs in the U.S. Hilarious sidebar: When Alex was talking smack about Ariane winning with her salad after the EC and she interviewed that she felt "some people" thought she took the easy way out, was anyone else thinking, "Great powers of observation, Ariane, since Alex just said EXACTLY that, right in front of you two seconds ago."

On the EC losers: Alex deserved to go home, and, let's face it, we all knew he was going home as soon as he said he missed his family 30 seconds into the show, right? Why would you choose to do a dessert? A dessert that clearly takes more than 1 hour to prep, at that? When he interviewed that anyone who does a dessert gets a "free pass" I was like, see you later jackass, hope your fiance isn't pissed you threw yourself under the bus!" Jamie was clearly too good to go home and it would be horrible to send her home based on her pissy attitude for 5 minutes after she knew she F-ed up. Who wouldn't be pissed off? The judges are lucky I wasn't there...I would have cut a bitch! Melissa - eh. I don't really have any impression of her at all, but it was clear Alex didn't care to fight for himself as much as she did, so I guess she deserves to stay. She'll probably go home next week, anyway. I was mostly concerned about why all three of them appeared to be preparing for a flood. Seriously, why do you need your pant to be that short?

Next Week: Gail pimps out her wedding shower for TV. Awesome. If I were one of her guests I'd be so pissed. Showers are annoying enough as it is, can you imagine having to attend one that's being filmed for your friends' TV show?

Random rant: Again with the random cut-in before the elimination. What the F? What's up with the porno music playing across the entire 20-second spot? Why do we need to see Hosea and Leah starting a relationship or friends-with-benefits situation? I don't care. I just want to see the food.

Tuesday Tirade - Mother-effing Burger King

2008-12-02T18:22:00.006-05:00

(Found through TV and Serious Eats)
There are no words. Just watch the insensitivity and complete ignorance below:

Actually, there are words. Some of them are here. More of them are here and here.

Look, I'm not going to write anything that wasn't written in those articles, or say anything more intelligent than the people who will certainly talk about this tomorrow, but I just have to say that this is a horrible ad campaign. Like really awful. The "Whopper Virgins" Burger King is forcing to eat these burgers, are actually suffering from malnutrition, hunger, and extreme poverty, among other things most Americans have little concept of. How is it ethical to bring these people our diabetes-inducing, fat-laden food, just so they can have a bite, to see which disgusting, waste of food and Calories "tastes" better? And all just to promote their stupid burger as tasting better than McDonalds - not to bring awareness to the issues facing the people featured in the commercials. It makes me sad that this is the only impression of American food (and probably America, in general) these people will probably ever have. It makes me more sad that this stupid campaign will actually get Burger King lots of attention and probably make degenerate people with no brains' actually WANT to eat there more.

If Burger King really wanted to bring attention to themselves and people who need help, wouldn't it serve the cause better to donate a portion of their profits for the month to a program to help relieve hunger in these regions? Or actually show the plight of the people in Thailand or Romania, rather than use the most remote regions of these countries as a way to find people that haven't been poisoned by crap food yet? Quite frankly, both Burger King's and McDonalds' burgers suck. It's not even a victory for Burger King (clearly their burgers win, or they wouldn't have bothered to show the commercials in the first place) because they win the title of having the best burger of two that suck and exploit a bunch of people in the process. It's pathetic, insensitive, and, in no way, helps the resolve or improve the situation of world hunger and poverty.

And it has cost Burger King my business. The one Jr. Whopper I would have bought in the next ten years. I'll add that $1.50 to the donations I plan to make this holiday season.

Some Fun Stuff for Monday - A Lot About Andy

2008-12-01T16:16:00.006-05:00

Here are a few interesting things I came across this past weekend and I thought I'd share with all of you...

An interesting interview with Tina Fey and her husband in Vanity Fair. I'm not sure I like how much the article emphasizes Tina's hotness, rather than her intelligence and general awesomeness, but I'll take it.

Another 30 Rock related article in The New Yorker, unfortunately Nancy Franklin doesn't really seem to get the show, or how great it is.

I was playing this all weekend. I suck. Like really badly. I can only get through the levels by copying the awesome things other people build, but it's still a tremendous amount of fun. And a great waste of time in the workplace.

Also, in a mini-things-I-bought-that-I-love post, I received this:

over the weekend. Brilliant! Who doesn't love Andrew Bernards' cheery face leering at them while drinking coffee? I can't think of a single person...more are available here.

And, finally, for all you A.C. lovers out there (like me), who haven't seen this yet:

Um, yes, please. Too bad that goofy guy is in the video, too.

I'm Back, Bitches!

2008-11-29T10:00:00.003-05:00

OK, so I've been gone for a bit. I know. I'm sorry. I realize you're all upset with me and thinking I hate you, but I don't. The problem is that I've been running a study at work for the past few weeks that involved my cooking lunch and dinner for a group of people, basically ensuring I would be in the lab from 8 am - at least 8 pm everyday. With no breaks and no time to blog. Plus, all the shopping and prep on the days I wasn't cooking food kind of interfered with my ability to even take care of myself that well, let alone take care of all of you with my fabulous words. It's going to happen again, but not until, let's say February, next year, so I'm back and all-in until then. Also, my computer broke, so I was without a blogging device for a week or so.

What's to come? Well, "Top Chef's" back, so that's clearly going to be good times. "30 Rock" is continuing it's run as the greatest show on TV. "The Office" is kind of sucking, which gives me lots of cannon fodder and I'm sure I'll go do something interesting during the months of December and January. If I don't, I'll just "Tuesday Tirade" everyday and write about all the things I buy for myself that I love (checkbook wallet) and hate (my f*&^%%%%!@!$% Dell XPS M1330). And, I'm sure there will be some fantastic celebrity gossip to discuss ad nauseum. I think it will be a good couple of months.

In the meantime, by way of an apology, I give you this adorable picture of Stephen Colbert and Ed Helms (again):

How I wish to be the delicious filling in that sandwich...

Top Chef Season 5: Episodes 2 and 3

2008-11-28T12:14:00.008-05:00

So, I just got around to watching Episode 3 today, you know, with Thanksgiving and partying and all...so, I figured I'd join the two episodes together into one, delicious post. Speaking of delicious:

Episode 2:
OK, I'm not going to lie, I really hate that Donatella girl. Like a lot. I don't know why. Every time I see her face on "Iron Chef: America" this huge wave of irrational anger rises up inside me. I mean, I respect her. I like her restaurants. I think it's awesome that she's so young, yet so successful. Maybe I'm pissy because I want to be her? Maybe I think her face is stupid-looking? I don't know...whatever, it's not really important, other than to explain my anger at the Quickfire. Why is Donatella there judging hot dogs? Does she have the perfect palate for judging hot dogs? Is she a hot dog expert? DOes she have some secret knowledge of hot dogs everyone in the world was previously unaware of? I don't really think so.

Also, the Quickfire confused me. If the challenge was to make a hot dog that was better than the hot dog lady's, why did (almost) everyone make their OWN hot dogs? The hot dog lady doesn't make her own. Shouldn't the challenge been more clear, like, use this hot dog we provided and make it good? And, didn't Fabio, with his chorizo hot dog, really just grind up some chorizo and then reform it back into a, you know, CHORIZO? Stupid Quickfire aside, I wanted to eat Radhika's lamb kebab thingy. SO delicious looking. She clearly deserved the win.

Elimination Challenge - cooking at Craft? Awse. I can't believe Tom C. let them take over his restaurant like that. It must have been like a Monday morning or something. Or, Bravo paid him an ass-load of money. The second awse? Having the not-chosen for "Top Chef", New York City chefs come to judge them. Ha! Brilliance! I think that was probably the pissiest group of people they could have chosen EVER to come and judge the food. That includes when they brought the future Season 3 contestants on to judge the food of the Season 2 chefs and Hung bitched everyone out.

As far as the food went, I'm with Tom, not so great. Not that I could do any better, but I'm not a chef competing on "Top Chef." I thought Jamie's soup was brilliant in its simplicity and delicious looking. And Fabio's carpaccio? Oh mother of God, I want to just roll around in it. It looked so good. What's not to like? Beef. Arugula. Lemon. Parmesan. Probably the best food combination ever. I want to make a raft out of the carpaccio and paddle around on a sea of Jamie's soup.

As for the losers, yeah, I don't really know what to say. Ariane clearly has no business being there (and I say that still, after having watched the most recent episode), but Jill deserved to go home. Ostrich egg? Really? That might be the most ridiculous idea ever. I know you want to do something to stand out, but why choose an ingredient that you've never used before? This is not the time to experiment - this is the time to pull out a tried and true recipe you've bee refining over the past year, specifically for the show. If they give you an opportunity to basically cook whatever you want, you absolutely do not use it to make something retard-O. Plus, her defense of the dish was one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard on TV. I know chefs aren't generally that well-spoken, but come on. At least answer the question they asked without rambling on unintelligibly, as if you just smoked a fat one in the stew room with Hosea.

Moving on to Episode 3:

The Quickfire was good, until Padma yelled at them to make soup. I thought the idea of reinventing a recipe from the cookbook was actually good, even if it was also a blatant attempt to plug the "Top Chef" cookbook, just in time for the start of holiday shopping season. When she came in all dramatically, as if the kitchen was burning down, I kind of wanted to punch her in the face. That said, Grant Achatz is made of awesome(one of my life goal's is to eat at Alinea), so, because he was there, I got over it quickly. And, the chefs did pretty good jobs, too. Or, maybe I just think they did because the producers chose not to show Grant chewing out the bottom three? The top 3 all had really nice looking and inventive dishes, but I'm glad Leah won. Jamie seemed a little cocky about her soup (wouldn't chick pea soup taste kind of like thin hummus?) and the ham and egg soup didn't seem refined enough for the challenge (although I'm sure it was delicious, what's not to like?). Leah's was the nicest looking of the three and (in my opinion) the most soup-like. If that's even a thing.

For the Elimination Challenge, I think it's awesome that they made the poor Foo Fighters celebrate Thanksgiving in, let's say July, just for the show. I wonder if they really watch "Top Chef" or if they were the only band in the area. Also, what's up with them driving to Rochester? That's a long-ass trip from NYC, and even longer when driving them all back after a concert. Did they really all go back to NYC for the elimination that night, after the show? Or did they film it the next day and pretend like it was the same night? The real question is why am I trying to apply logic to "Top Chef?"

I did like the Thanksgiving challenge, but I kind of wish they had given them a real kitchen in which to cook. Imagine the awesome stuff they could have turned out if they had been given more than one burner? Although, I'm still sticking with my initial love of Eugene. He built a smoker and grill? Brilliant! I can't remember which Foo Fighter said he MacGyver-ed that pork loin, but that was great...and the pork loin looked tasty, too. I actually kind of felt bad for Team Cougar, they didn't really do that badly. Aside from their dessert, I really thought they pulled it off well. I'll even give my most-hate Ariane her props, cooking turkey breast perfectly in a toaster oven? She clearly has some skills. They just all looked so depressed when they were cleaning up, with the music from the concert in the background. As for Team Sexy Pants (stupid name aside), they did really well, too. I think the vegan stuffing was a great idea and the cobbler looked great (go Hosea, you're my boy!).

Elimination-wise, Richard deserved to go home. You should never make a dish that needs last-minute preparation when doing a buffet. You need food that can sit and still be good, even I know that. I'm really glad they let Jeff stay, he clearly took too much on, but he was a great leader, especially evidenced by the fact that the team stood up for him, and each other, during Judge's Table and that says a lot. Normally there's a lot of what we refer to as "under the bus throwing" when a team loses, particularly when they have a crappy leader. I will miss Richard and his adorable crush on Tom, though. He was adorable when he said he got nervous when Tom came into the room with the Foo Fighter, then the camera panned to Tom in slow-mo, walking into the room. Pure awesome.

Overall, I'm really liking this season. I think just about everyone deserves to be there and they all seem to genuinely like each other and, probably more importantly, respect each other. I hope this trend continues throughout the season, I'm totally over everyone yelling at each other in the stew room and trying to save their ass at Judge's Table by belittling the other contestants. Just cook your food and deal with it if you go home. You already got much farther than a bunch of other very talented chefs - feel lucky.

That said, WTF is up with Padma's voiceovers? I feel like they're all shoe-horned in there, and really shoe-horned in quite poorly. It's like an episode of Semi-Homemade every Wednesday night. Also, why do they shove in a little 30-second clip of footage in between Judge's Table and the knifing? Last week it was the clip of Hosea and Leah semi-making out, this week Jamie and Danny fighting. Is this a new trend to keep us from tuning out before the elimination? Do people really change the channel before seeing who get eliminated? Is it a way to wedge more commercials into the hour? I mean, the whole show if already a commercial for Glad, Toyota Sequoias, and Swanson broth, do we really need even more ads?

OK, rant over. I think I'll actually be able to watch the shows and post shortly thereafter from now on. I know you're all excited. I know I can't wait...

Top Chef Season 5 - Episode 1

2008-11-17T18:08:00.002-05:00

I kind of hate the first, lets say 8, episodes of any new season of "Top Chef." You don't get any sense of the chefs, their cooking style, their personalities - you only get whatever little bits the editors deem fit to show you. And, you can't even take it at face value, because they're trying to tell you a story, picking a villain and a hero (sometimes more than one) at random.

Which is why I'm going to suspend judgment on the chefs for the time being. Although, I will say two things:

1. Recent culinary school graduates have NO business being on "Top Chef." Those two that got kicked off on Wednesday were clearly there as cannon fodder and, really, should never have been there in the first place. I can't believe there weren't any more talented chefs than those two, who came to audition for the show.

2. Don't ever bring on a contestant, only to kick them off within the first 2 hours of the show. We're all wasting fuel in America as it is, do we really need to fly someone from Florida for a two hour stop in NYC, only to fly her ass back again? What a waste of all that Glad-sponsorship money.

That said, it's quite clear that these chefs are GOOD. All of the food looked good, maybe not what I would choose to cook given access to the same ingredients (probably because I'm not that creative), but I'd definitely eat it. My early favorites are probably Eugene (the dishwasher guy, that's his name, right?) and the big, gay guy who hearts Tommy C. I'll ship them for the whole season, even if I know it's never meant to be. Another plus - no one seems to have that cocky, ridiculous Ilan/Marcel/Hung-thing going on. I feel like they're all professionals who should be able to take the judges constructive criticism. I hope. Also, no faux hawks, which is always a good thing.

I'm really intrigued to see what kind of crazy-ass challenges they'll make the chefs go through this season. And, you know New York is going to be an awesome setting for the show. They're all so lucky to get the opportunity to cook for the best chefs in the world on this show. Even the chefs who don't win will have the chance to greatly improve their game and learn from the best. It should be a good season...

OK, this is pathetic, I know

2008-11-12T20:57:00.003-05:00

I want too write about the "Top Chef" premiere tomorrow, but I don't even know is I'll be able to stay awake to watch the whole thing. I'm running a study at work that's kicking my ass and making it impossible for me to do anything when I get home aside from sit on my couch and inhale some food, take a shower, and go directly to bed. I'm going to try to watch it - I'm so excited about it!

Regardless, I'll post my witty and brilliant thoughts about the episode when I can. I imagine we'll have a great group of people to snark on - how many faux hawks will we have this semester? What will the new, "throw me under the bus" be? Will they bring Marcel and Ilan back to judge a Quickfire together? Will they have a girly, slap-fight instead of tasting the foods? What season 4 chefs will come back for the challenges? I hope Stephanie and Richard, but most likely they'll bring back Spike and Lisa - there's more drama that way. Maybe they'll have a hot chef night and bring back Sam and Ryan...huzzah for eye-candy for Iko.

So, watch the premiere tonight! I'll probably be in bed with the TV on, totally passed out. But at least I have something fun to watch on my TiVo on Friday after yoga! Wow, my Friday nights' kind of sound like Liz Lemon's...

Just a Quick One (TWSS): Jason Sudeikis Post of the Day

2008-11-12T16:08:00.000-05:00

ZOMG!! So Cute!

For those of you who ALSO love Ed Helms - the Ed Helms post of the day

2008-11-08T18:56:00.003-05:00

It’s one of my greatest traits is my lack of dignity. But I think it actually goes back a little further than the Daily Show. Before that I trained and worked at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York, and I did stand up for years in New York...It’s like fear is such a huge part of it. It’s just a matter of like - of embracing the fear and sort of being drawn to it in a way. And there’s nothing more exhilarating than sort of like throwing your fear at - just throwing it out there. Then the Daily Show, I think, was - it’s funny that you say it - that you used the word fearless because I was terrified every single segment on that show. It was very nerve-wracking. That’s sort of what I was talking about before, like it’s just very taxing. But yeah, I just - I think there’s a certain - I just - I also love to break out in song in real life.

The rest is here.

We Are the Vote - And So Can You!

2008-11-04T12:46:00.002-05:00

God, I'm glad this election is finally over - I'm so ready for a new president.

I know I don't have to tell you guys to vote - I know everyone who reads this is incredibly intelligent, witty, and aware of what's important. Vote for who you want, far be it from me to tell anyone what to do. As long as you've formed your own opinion and found a candidate that best reflects your views, he or she deserves, and is lucky to have, your vote. And, if you can't figure out who to vote for, may I suggest the duo in the video above?

Best. Day. Ever.

2008-10-30T15:28:00.004-04:00

Reminder!!! "30 Rock" returns tonight - DON'T forget!! I haven't watched the first episode online...I'm holding out for the HD broadcast on my TV, but I've heard good things about the season premiere. It has to be better than "The Office" so far this season, right? I mean, come on. The only redeeming quality of that show is the Michael-Holly relationship and we all know that's over soon, since Amy Ryan's just a guest star. Jim and Pam are boring and annoying, they clearly won't break up, so what's with all the tension? Angela's being a ho (and also completely out of character), there's not enough Ed Helms, Kelly Kapoor, or Kevin, and Dwight being depressed makes me upset. Whatever. At least I have Liz, Jack, and Kenneth back in my life starting tonight at 9:30. Oh, and Dr. Spaceman, everyone's favorite fake doctor. We all know Tina Fey won't give us pedestrian, overdone story lines involving couples getting together, creating needless tension, breaking up, and getting back together. She'll give us some crazy story involving an anteater, Dr. Spaceman's long-lost mother, a Soy Joy bar, and Jack working at Baskin' Robbins to get back at Devon Banks. Pure brilliance.

Perhaps a recap to come tomorrow? We'll see how work goes. Also on the horizon - a trip to see (read: stalk) Ian Riggs as part of Ethan Lipton and His Orchestra. Oh, yeah, and that's tomorrow, bitches!!! I know you're jealous!

Wednesday Wrath: HFCS Commercials (Subtitle: Do They Think We're Stupid?)

2008-10-29T15:00:00.001-04:00

I know I'm a little late to the party on this one, but let's break it down, shall we?

It's made from corn - this is actually true! It is made from corn! But it's processed through a bunch of scientific methods, which I will not bore you with, but, sufficed to say it uses lots of energy and creates lots of waste. Also, just because something is MADE from corn, doesn't mean it's good for you, right? I mean, look at cornbread - it's delicious, but not exactly healthy. Creamed corn? Polenta (made with butter and Parmesan cheese, of course)? Not so much. Why is the fact that it's made from corn a selling point, exactly?

Regardless, growing the corn in the first place isn't that great, anyway. I mean, the government basically pays farmers to grow corn to make ethanol, HFCS, and cow feed, instead of encouraging them to grow a variety of crops to encourage and ensure a healthy population with a highly varied diet of fruits and vegetables. Then, the farmers are forced to pesticide and fertilize the crap out of the corn crop to ensure they produce enough to make a good amount of money, which I don't need to tell you completely destroys the soil, the ecosystem, and pretty much the entire environment. All so we can make Twinkies, ice pops, and fruit drink - all stuff no one should ever eat, anyway.

It's fine in moderation - OK, also true, but isn't everything fine in moderation? I mean, if I do crack once or twice in my life, will that adversely affect me? Probably not. If I eat a delicious roasted chicken, slathered in gravy with mashed potatoes once a month, will I die of a heart attack? Most likely, no. But, my point here is that it's almost impossible to eat processed food and have HFCS in moderation. It's in EVERYTHING. Look at the loaf of bread on your counter or in the fridge. What about your cereal in the morning? Your soup at lunch? Your frozen Lean Cuisine dinner? Your salad dressing? The list goes on and on. Sure, having one Ho-ho is fine, but add that to your breakfast of Lucky Charms, the sandwich and soup you had for lunch, the soda you had driving home, etc., and you're pretty much screwed. It's become so ubiquitous in the American diet that we don't even notice it.

If we all want to stop getting diabetes, heart disease, and getting fat, we need to really look at the ingredients of the foods we eat. Better yet, eat foods that have no "ingredients" by buying some chicken, vegetables, and rice and making dinner yourself. It saves you money, keeps you healthy, and gives you delicious leftovers to bring to work the next day - making your co-workers jealous. Plus, it makes me rant less, which keeps my blood pressure down, which results in happier Iko and happier people around her.

So, to sum up: WTF!!? HFCS ads? Don't pretend we're stupid. And don't make me cut you.

To Whet Your Appetite for the Tuesday Tirade

2008-10-27T15:23:00.002-04:00

Why was I cut off by a man driving a red Miata on my way to work this morning? With the top down? While wearing an ear-warmer-thingy? It's early morning in October in NJ - put up the stupid top on your car and stop acting like a douchebag. No one wants to see you in your car that badly.

Also, to the douche-hat in front of me in line at Chipotle - take out your F-ing bluetooth earpiece if it will interfere with you paying for your food in a timely fashion and remove your sunglasses from the BACK (yes, BACK) of your shirt. You look like an idiot.

We Saw America in the Cajun Way - And So Can You!

2008-10-24T18:44:00.007-04:00

Yes, I went to go see a "Colbert Report" taping. Again. Don't hate me because I'm awesome.

I reserved tickets a few months ago for Thursday, October 23rd, then, on Wednesday I received an email saying I needed to be at the studio by 4:45 as the show was taping early. So, on Thursday, DC, NC, BMG, and I all piled into my car, drove to JC, hopped on the PATH, got on the E train and got off at 50th Street to head over to the studio by 3:45pm. Oh boy, am I glad we did. You'll find out why in a few minutes.

When we got to the studio, there was only one line, apparently no one had taken it upon themselves to segregate into two lines, one for those who had reserved tickets and ones who were on the stand by line. So, naturally, we got into the big line and waited for one of the interns to come out and direct us. Around 4:15 someone came out and told all the ticket holders to make a new line. And this is where things got messy. We were clearly near the front of the line, but a bunch of bitches in back of us tried to cut in front of us when the new line formed. Naturally, I was having none of it, and yelled, "I'll cut you bitch" and shoved the group of them out of the way. That's clearly a lie...but I did elbow one girl out of the way and take my rightful place in line.

Around 4:45 one of the interns started signing us in and I asked if we were going in early for the taping, to which he responded he had no idea (good job recruiting degenerate interns, Stephen). So we waited a little bit more, then the security guard came out to warn us that we couldn't bring any weapons into the studio. he asked if anyone had any knives or guns, to which I replied, "Oh, I have guns," and pointed at my biceps (this is also a lie). We were slowly let into the studio around 5:00, and I mean SLOWLY - the lady security guard was thoroughly checking everyone's bags, which I am clearly a fan of, as I'm anti being blown-up at a Colbert taping, but it was kind of annoying because we were all so excited about seeing Stephen!

When it was time to head into the studio, we shoved our way up to the front (numbers 10 - 13, bitches!) and we got to sit right in the front row!! All the way to the right-hand side of the studio, right by where he does the interviews. The warm-up guy came out pretty much immediately. He was awesome and funny, just like last time, then Stephen came out! He was running around getting us all pumped and ran across the stage, right in front of the audience. Then, he ran from the left to the right, giving everyone high fives, but, sadly, peeled off just before he got to me, I was so sad (but not for long) that I didn't get to actually touch Stephen (no, I'm not psycho). He had so much energy and was so happy-looking, the last time we went to see a taping was the week right after he had come back from Philadelphia and, while he was still awesome, you could tell he was exhausted. His energy on Thursday was infectious, though, the crowd was going crazy, as was I.

He answered questions from the audience:
-His favorite breakfast food is crab cakes with poached eggs.
-He said "hi" to his new neighbors, who apparently just moved in across the street from him and came to see the show (sidebar: how awesome would it be to live across the street from Stephen Colbert??)
-Someone asked him what his favorite song to sing while driving was, and, while I can't remember the song, I do remember that he belted out a few lines and did an adorable dance across the stage, following that with a delightful, "as you can see, it's very dangerous to drive in the car with me!"
-But, by far the best question (and by "best" I mean worst, because this person clearly can't read properly) was someone asking him if he was aware that Al Qaeda had endorsed him for president. Apparently, the person had seen it on the CNN news ticker earlier that day. He responded with shock and chagrin (as anyone would) and immediately instructed one of the staff to check it out. Then he went over to his desk to get ready for the show. At one point while he was over there he lowered the music and (chuckling) proclaimed that he probably gets Secret Service protection now (ha!).

Right before the show, he started shooting Wriststrong bracelets into crowd and NC caught one! I was so jealous, yet happy for him! Then, Stephen busted out one of those plastic pumpkins that kids use for trick-or-treating and started whipping candy into the crowd, which is when I caught a mini Hershey bar! ZOMG! I will save it forever!

Once the show started it was all kind of a blur - it goes by so quickly. The best part of the first segment was Stephen imitating Sarah Palin and Todd making out using their pictures from People:

After this was taped and before the interview, the person he sent out to check on the Al Qaeda endorsement came back with the actual story. The news ticker statement was viewer mail, someone had written in to say that Al Qaeda would prefer Obama to be president, then said that he (the viewer) wanted Stephen Colbert to be president. Seriously, though, if you were going to go to a "Colbert Report" taping and tell Stephen Al Qaeda loved him, wouldn't you make sure your facts were correct? I hope that person felt like a jackass for the rest of the day.

He taped the interview next, I guess because Jonathan Alter had to leave early. Alter's book sounded quite interesting and I enjoyed the interview. The best part, however, got cut from the airing: When Alter was talking about how Obama is like FDR, Stephen countered with John McCain having been though a lot of things already, so perhaps he would be better for the country, as he has more experience dealing with some of the situations we find ourselves in currently. Then, Stephen said Obama needed time to mature, to become seasoned, "like a blackened piece of red snapper" (or some other fish). Then, like 5 seconds later, he realized what he said and completely broke character and started laughing, turning to the producer all like, "oh, we have to cut that! I meant it in the Cajun way...the CAJUN WAY!!!" Too funny. Also, it reminded me of James Carville on "30 Rock" - CAJUN STYLE!!!

After Alter left, we got through the "Difference Makers" segment, which I thought was hysterical. I love the environment and H1s, so I feel their pain...but, when that one guys said A-rab, Stephen (and the rest of us) totally lost it. Awesome:

Once the show was done, Stephen cranked the music and frolicked around some more. Then, (BEST NIGHT EVER) he shook hands with everyone sitting in the front row!! Including me!! ZOMG!!! He shook my hand! He was so happy, smiling so his eyes got all crinkled at the sides when he looked at me! I then grabbed the back of his head and made out with him (my third and final lie of this post). Mostly I grinned back at him and tried to think of something to say - which ended up being nothing. He even tried to get NC to do a little dance with him, but NC instead stared awkwardly at him, much in the style of me staring awkwardly at Ed Helms when I met him in NYC. So sad. Although, to be fair, I don't think I would have been able to dance, either...I would have shrieked at him and tried to run away. Stephen then thanked everyone and headed backstage.

We left the studio and headed down the street to Daisy May's (yes, again) for some delicious BBQ and beer. We then tried to go to Valhalla for a beer afterward, but after a few sips, we all realized we were too full of meat (TWSS) and headed back to JC. We got back home just in time to catch the Report on TV at 11:30 and chuckle at everything again.

And, for the next journey? Another trip to NYC to stalk Ian Riggs!!!

All the Plumbers in the House Pull Your Pants Up

2008-10-20T14:04:00.003-04:00

In case anyone missed this brilliant piece of television history:

Amy Poehler is made of win.

Also, Jason Sudeikis looks shockingly good with a goatee and mullet (?). What's that about? I love that he was able to bust out his awesome dance moves again. "The Fighting Irish," anyone? Don't remember? You can watch it here:

Also, a shout-out to my first Office boyfriend, John Krasinski, who has a birthday today...here's picture for those of you who still love him more than Ed Helms (although I don't know how that's possible).

ZOMG!! Best Web Series Ever!

2008-10-17T21:20:00.005-04:00

Ed Helms and Jason Sudeikis together in a WB web series? Who has a new favorite show??!!?!

ETA: Also, Stephen Colbert is narrating?!!? SOLD!!!!!!!!!

Why I Should Never Be Away From A Computer

2008-10-15T22:00:00.006-04:00

OK, it's no secret, I'm kind of a ho for TV, food, food blogs, and Ed Helms. But, maybe more secret (and perhaps it should stay that way) is my extreme love of celebrity gossip blogs. Seriously, guys, it's a problem. I'm at work and the first thing I do after coming back from a quick trip to the bathroom, to the mail room, lunch, whatever, is check Just Jared for the latest from the ridiculous world of people who think they're important because they're on TV or in a movie. Yes, I'm not so dense that I don't realize I'm encouraging the degeneracy...I know every time I go to Popsugar, D-Listed, CelebSlam, I'm just throwing another dead tree into the forest fire, but I can't help it.

So, yesterday, I took the day off from celebrity gossip, not entirely of my own volition, however. First, I had to prep for a massive lab class, for which I am the TA, then teach said lab, then clean up after said lab, then go to an interview for an internship which I will absolutely not get, then back home to hang out with the thoroughly awesome, PW. I didn't look at a gossip blog all day - I didn't even open my laptop until 9:30 at night, and that was only because I was getting so pissy about the debate I needed something else to think about.

And what do I come across? Sweet fancy Moses, I picked the wrong day to ignore the gossip, didn't I? A-Rod broke up Madonna and Guy Ritchie because of the intense "spiritual, emotional, and romantic bond?" And Guy could get $250 million but doesn't want it?!?! And, David Duchovny and Tea Leoni are separated? And not for the reason you think?!?!!! Because she had an affair with Billy-F-ing-Bob Thorton!????!! WTF?

And, worse still, David Beckham is inexplicably shilling fish sticks with Omega-3s added to them:

W.T.F.?!!!????? Also, why do those kids behind him look less-than-thrilled? Shouldn't they heart him? Or, are they American and think soccer is a stupid game? Maybe if Tom Brady hobbled his ass out there the kids would look happier. Or, at least they could kick him in the knee for me, since he ruined my fantasy team's chance of winning the league this year.

OK, Seriously...This is Next

2008-10-13T22:15:00.002-04:00

Yes, TWO burgers, THREE grilled cheeses (one with bacon) and BACON on top. I may have to wait for my arteries to clear from the original first, though.

From AHT.

The Evolution of the Grilled Cheese Burger

2008-10-12T11:28:00.003-04:00

First - the idea was placed in my head by this article.

Second - I had to find some people who would eat it with me...you know, the kind of people who don't care about their hearts and arteries. DC and BMG were all about it.

The beef:

From Grilled Cheese Burger

Now, I used 80/20 beef, for that extra-delicious beef fat = juiciness plus fulfilling grease, but I only bought 1 lb, so the burgers were about 1/3 lb each. I think in the future, I'd make them like 1/2 lb and try to flatten them out a little more, so they take up more space on the grilled cheese. Plus, it would make it easier to shove the sandwich into my tiny mouth. That's what she said.

Here are the burgers and half-completed grilled cheese cooking in copious amounts of fat.

From Grilled Cheese Burger

I had to keep three of the grilled cheese in the oven while I made the other three sandwiches, which, unfortunately blackened them a little more than I wanted. I think I need to invest in one of those giant griddle pans, or maybe install a Benihana-style Teppanyaki grill in my apartment, so I can cook six sandwiches at once.

Here are the completed sandwiches:

From Grilled Cheese Burger

Look at Hello Kitty leering at the sandwiches...

A close up:

From Grilled Cheese Burger

Sides of sweet potato fries and pickles.

Here's a fry I lost on the floor:

From Grilled Cheese Burger

Please ignore the ugly, 70s-style linoleum floor in my apartment. Clearly, not my choice.

The aftermath:

From Grilled Cheese Burger

Yeah, we put up a good fight...even changed into pajamas, for maximum stomach expansion room, but DC and I couldn't finish. BMG, however, was the hero of the day and powered-through that bitch. I think I need to not eat lunch the next time I make these for dinner. Yeah, that's right, there will definitely be a next time. Maybe I'll make them in mini-burger form...

Yes - Believe it, Bitches!!

2008-10-10T19:23:00.001-04:00

I cooked it! It was awesome!

30 Rock Update

2008-10-07T21:13:00.002-04:00

I have the DVD. I've only watched the first three episodes, but I have some thoughts:

1. Jack had a collection of cookie jars. He gave them to Kenneth.
2. Tigers turn into Chinese dudes at night.
3. Me want food.
4. Dr. Spaceman is awesome.

I am trying to get through the commentaries, but currently I'm watching the best Ed Helms-as-Tom Brokaw impersonator ever, Tom Brokaw, moderate the debate.

Best Day Ever? Or GREATEST Day Ever?

2008-10-07T08:05:00.003-04:00

Just a quick note to inform you that "30 Rock" Season 2 comes out on DVD today. I will be heading to Best Buy to purchase it during lunch. Then, I will promptly spend the rest of my afternoon at work watching the commentaries.

"I'll move to Cleveland when you get that IKEA. NEVER!!!!!!"

The Most Delicious Foodstuff Ever

2008-10-02T11:31:00.002-04:00

Yes. That is absolutely a hamburger, topped with a slice of tomato and sandwiched between two melty, grilled cheese sandwiches.

From A Hamburger Today.

"The Office" Season 4 Carb-load Watching Party

2008-10-01T17:30:00.000-04:00

So, a while ago, I had an "Office" season 4 watching party. I wanted to blog about it sooner, but I'm kind of lazy. Nevertheless, here's the post.

It's kind of a tradition. Ever since season 2 of "The Office" came out on DVD, I've invited people over to my apartment and we've powered through the entire season in a weekend, before the next season premieres. For season 2 we did it in over a Friday night (powered by copious amounts of sake - the theme was Asian Tet) and a very hungover Saturday afternoon. Season 3 was much the same (different theme, I believe it was Mexican fiesta, so it probably involved a lot of tequila), so, when it came time for season 4, I figured it was time to have a theme that actually marginally revolved around "The Office." Carb-loading seemed like a good plan...right? It goes with "Fun Run." Michael vomiting up Fettucini Alfredo? Comedy gold. Luckily, carb-loading goes quite well with an Italian theme, which is what we settled on.

Here's the sKape:

The ubiquitous citrus, lemons and limes! I was fancy at the farmer's market. Also, some assorted Office-related paraphernalia, a talking pen, Hello Kitty (because she's a part of any good sKape), some pasta (got to have the carbs in the carb-loading TablesKape), and, of course, some delicious Malbec. Which I probably drank entirely by myself.

The food
Turkey Meatballs:

Eggplant (EdPlant) Parmesan:

Sauteed Broccoli Rabe with garlic:

Garlic Bread, which I didn't take a picture of, so here's one of the SALT-CURED MEATS!!

Also, for dessert, delicious cupcakes, provided by the always delightful BW and some fruit with fresh mint and lime juice, courtesy of everyone's favorite, KN. Also of note, the cupcakes arrived in the Cupcake Courier, as blogged about by Jenna Fischer in her Myspace blog.

We began watching at exactly 8:15 pm on Friday night. And powered through all the way to "Dinner Party," although we lost a few souls along the way. At some point we watched the blooper reel, too, I don't really remember, due to the combo of wine and the fact that this happened a few weeks ago. Anyway, by the time "Dinner Party" started, BW and I were the only two people still awake (shout out, BW!!). But, the two of us watched that whole episode, then two of the commentaries. Can you guess which ones? Obviously the two that Ed is on, come on people...don't you know me at all, yet?

Here's the aftermath of the TablesKape, which is, for the most part, indicative of the entire evening:

The next morning, we woke up, made a pot of coffee, and PW, BW, and I got through the last five episodes. Then, we hit up the nearby diner for some much needed grease to soak up the wine still wandering around our bodies from the carb-loading extravaganza.

What is it about eggs, bacon, and hash browns that makes you feel SOOOO much better after two consecutive, ridiculous nights of drinking? I guess I should mention that I spent the night before the party (yes, that would be a Thursday, and yes, I had to go to work) excessively drinking martinis and wine with the illustrious MAN-DEAN!!!! You may remember him from our trip to DC. Clearly, while it was awesome to see (and drink with) Man-Dean, it was perhaps a bit of a mistake to drink excessively on Thursday night, head home to make turkey meatballs while Man-Dean, DC, and BMG drink more, then drink more, pass out, wake up, go to work, then come home to make EdPlant Parm. and drink more. Perhaps for the season 5 watching party, I will space my copious amounts of drinking across a few days.

On a separate, yet related note, let's say a few words about the premiere of "The Office" last week. I mean it's been a week, it's a perfect time to talk about it, right? I'm extremely excited for this season. Like, really a lot. I'm not going to lie. I think most of last season sucked. To the point that "30 Rock" replaced "The Office" as my favorite show, and rightfully so, I believe. Regardless, I think the premiere did a lot to alleviate the issues I had with last season. It seems like all the characters have a story line, rather than only focusing on Jim and Pam (ugh, I am so over them....seriously, let them get married and be happy and just end it) and Michael and Jan. The Dwight/Angela/Andy triangle is awesome, even if it is just a rehashing of Jim/Pam/Roy, whatever, DAA are infinitely more entertaining - there's just so much potential there.

Other characters: I love that Phyllis actually has something to do in blackmailing Angela. I can't wait until she tells everyone in the office. Angela will have to start wearing "whorish" green everyday. Kelly was beyond amazing in the premiere. I'm so excited to see Ryan act all douche-y and try to get her back, only to have Darryl lay the smack on him. Actually, Kelly will probably do it herself, and look fabulous while doing it! Size 2, baby! And, I actually liked Stanley (shocking) and his quest to lose weight. I was so happy for him at the end.

The only concern I have after watching the premiere is the Michael/Jan/Holly situation. I absolutely adore Holly. But, I know Amy Ryan only filmed 5 episodes and there are no plans to bring her back, which is upsetting on many levels. One, it means Jan gets her clutches back into Michael (crazy bitch). Two, it means that Holly probably does something ridiculous to get fired, laid-off, whatever, which will make me like her less and therefore be even more upsetting, to see her fall from grace. Three, it means they're really pushing the Michael-Jan pairing. Which I hate. I don't think Jan deserves Michael. Seriously, she's horrible to him all the time - just because someone lets you walk all over them, doesn't mean you should. Michael should be with someone just as dorky as him. I mean, come on, the rap the two of them did was amazing (picture that in Kelly's voice). We need more of THAT on the show - less of Jan.

Is Stephen Colbert a Secret Sandra Lee Fan?

2008-09-30T09:55:00.001-04:00

Go to 1:11 in this video:

Do you see the giant vase of inexplicable citrus? Has he gone to the dark side of TablesKapes and lllllllemon-love?

This is depressing.

Not Related to "The Office" but AWESOME Nonetheless...

2008-09-25T20:50:00.002-04:00

And, here is the accompanying and even more awesome interview with both of them.

Seriously, could Stephen Colbert be anymore adorable in that 'fro??

And Now, The Bastard Offspring of The Tuesday Tirade - The Wednesday Wrath

2008-09-24T17:30:00.003-04:00

Shockingly, not too much pissed me off yesterday. I was mostly tired, which led to my general apathy toward the degeneracy surrounding me. However, today, I'm back in fighting form, so I present to you The Wednesday Wrath:

The Asshole Who Sits Next to Me in Stats.

I'm taking a one-credit statistics class as my last class ever for graduate school. I only need one more credit, so F-ed if I'm going to take a full semester, three-credit one. It's a five week class, during which our TA teaches us how to use SAS to run statistical analysis. Not hard (TWSS). Especially since I already have a working knowledge of SAS, but just wanted to learn the shortcuts and some of the more, shall we say, intimate details of the program. One credit, five weeks, I figured I'd power through and be done. And, it's fine, except that it's an undergraduate class and I'd forgotten how bitchy and annoying those little, privileged weasels are...GOD.

The class is one night a week, for 2 hours and 50 minutes. And, you know what? The class is kind of annoying, I'm not going to lie. It's in a classroom in one of the many computer labs on campus, since we're using a statistical program and there's only one TA who has to walk around and check everyone's programs and answer everyone's questions before we move on. It sucks. It takes 45 minutes to get through one procedure in SAS, because pretty much everyone has questions (mostly regarding missing semi colons) and the TA, quite frankly, isn't very good at explaining anything. But, it's a one-credit class for God's Sake. Just F-ing sit there, check your fantasy baseball team or favorite blogs (AbS) in the downtime and suck it up. Am I right?

But, ADD boy next to me can't hold it together. He NEVER runs the programs the TA asks him to. He just sits there and texts or IMs his friends and sighs loudly in my ear, in a disgruntled fashion. Half the time, he doesn't even have SAS open on his computer, it's literally just on the screen saver. Then, when the TA comes by to check his work, he says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't get it," but never looks up from his stupid iPhone. And, to make matters worse, the TA doesn't care, and the asshole will probably pass the class, since the TA doesn't know anyone's name anyway.

Seriously, you know what? I get that it's a state school. I get that spoiled, rich brats get bribed by their parents to come here with a shiny, new BMW or Lexus. I get that these kids don't have to pay for school, work jobs while they're in school, or even pay loans once they leave. I'm OK with that, their parents worked hard so their children don't need to leave school in debt. Fine. This isn't me, bitterly ranting about my school debt or my parents' lack of planning. But, W. T. FFFFFFFFFFF. Don't F-ing piss me off, asshole in stats. I'm paying for my undergraduate loans (still) and working at said state school full time so I can get my Masters for free. The last thing I want to see when I go to class is some brat who thinks he's better than everyone else, wasting his parents money by sitting in class, not learning anything (or even trying) and getting the same grade as me. Suck it up. Pay attention for 2 hours. All your hos will like you more if you're smart AND have a BMW your Dad bought you. And I won't be forced to cut you in the dark alley behind the computer lab after class.

What Iko's Watching Tonight

2008-09-22T15:20:00.001-04:00

Well, we have some F-ing TV tonight, don't we? Who's excited? Only me? OK, no worries, I'll tell you what I'm watching tonight anyway.

8:00 pm - CBS - "The Big Bang Theory"

Yes, I wrote about this show before, and while I think it has it's issues, it also has a lot going for it. For one, it's one of two shows on CBS that is actually good. For two, Sheldon is hysterical, science/nerd humor is always funny, and I'm still waiting with baited breath for Raj to be able to actually speak to women without being inebriated. I'm excited to see where the writers take this show over the season and look forward to watching it (who am I kidding, probably TiVoing it, "Chuck" starts next week!!!).

8:30 pm - CBS - "How I Met Your Mother"

When we last left off, Ted proposed to Stella (spoiler alert: she says yes) and Barney realized he hearts Robin. While I could really care less about Stella and Ted (Sarah Chalke irritates me in a way that is so horrible, that I lack the verbal capacity to articulate it, plus Ted is infinitely more fun when he's acting like a jackass with Barney), I'm SUPER excited about Robin and Barney. I don't know why, maybe it's because, oh, NPH is made of awesome? Plus, I think the two of the have the best dynamic of any two characters on the show...hell, of any characters on most TV shows currently airing. I'm extremely excited for the premiere tonight and can't wait to see where the characters go this season.

9:00 pm - FOX - "Prison Break"

Ugh. I know. But, this show is like crack for me, plus, to be fair, it has gotten A LOT better this season, at least compared to seasons 2 and 3 (this show will never be better than it was in season 1, I'm sorry). This season has already started, we're into the 4th episode tonight (already!) and the guys (and suddenly alive Sara) find themselves trying to find Scylla, basically a bunch of cards that have data on the always evil "Company" stored on them. So far, it's been a highly entertaining hunt - Michael appears to have brain cancer (yet, Wentworth Miller's still hot), Lincoln's smashing anything he can get his hands on and killing bitches left and right, and Mahone's going to take down that man-ho who killed his son. I'm literally on the edge of my seat waiting for that showdown to happen. Oh, it's going to be good times, just you wait.

Also, I'll probably be watching some football, too, I have to see if L.T. will actually get me any fantasy points this week. Probably no baseball, though, the Yankees aren't playing tonight and I'm kind of emotionally drained from the spectacle that was yesterday's farewell to the stadium. Just seeing Bernie pretty much did me in, let alone his adorable post-game interview with Michael Kay on YES. God, I love him. Bernie, not Michael Kay.

And, on a marginally related note (because it has to do with baseball, more specifically this post), I have a little "good news, bad news" to report. Good news - I have photographic proof and (reliable) second-hand information that Brett Gardner is, in fact, straight. Bad news - his girlfriend/wife is clearly pregnant. I'll post photographic evidence when I get home. So, sadly, Iko has no shot at becoming Gardner's baby mama, because you know I'm not settling for second baby mama. But, strong work on having a child, Gardner!

ZOMG!!!! Bernie!!!!

2008-09-21T20:03:00.023-04:00

(My apologies in advance - this blog post is being fueled by perfect gin and tonic, two glasses of wine, the girlish squeeing that can only occur when I see Bernie F-ing Williams in centerfield at Yankee Stadium for the last time, the joy in my heart I feel when I read that Stephen Colbert has won his precious Emmy, and the vision of Bobby Murcer's family striding out to centerfield, only to be greeted by said Bernie Williams two minutes later. Sufficed to say, this entire post makes no sense. Just look at the pretty pictures and pretend I'm not insane).

Bernie!!! 51!!!! He's at the Stadium!!! I'm so excited, I'm thrashing about on my couch alone!!! I heart you Bernie!!!!

Also, he totally looks like he could still play...just sayin'.

And, the entire stadium chanting Bobby Murcer was amazing!

OK, also, bring out Babe Ruth's daughter to throw out the last first pitch at Yankee Stadium - brilliant!

Edited to add: Here's an awesome article with some quotes from Bernie about his return.

Edited to add 2: I'm trying to find pictures of Bernie's return to The Stadium, but there are NONE as of yet...I can't believe it. I'd ghetto-style it and take a picture of my TV with my camera, but, unfortunately, I don't have my camera as SOMEONE took it with him to the actual game...

Edited to add 3: Also, non-Yankee related, but ZOMG!!!!!! Stephen Colbert Emmy!!!

Also not Bernie/Yankees related: Jon Stewart and "The Daily Show" for the win at the Emmys!!!

Edited to add 4: Here's a picture of Dave:

I can't believe they have a picture of Dave and NONE of Bernie. WTF? Although, I will say, Dave looks like he could still play, too...

Edited to add 5: This picture makes me happy:

Edited to add 6: OK, Getty Images, if you're not going to post any pictures of Bernie from the pre-game ceremonies today, I'll post random pictures you have of him from assorted concerts he played earlier this year:

And this random picture of him from the 2003 ALDS;

Edited to add 7: I MUST give a shout out to my girl, Tine Fey, for winning Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy for the delightful "30 Rock,"

Edited to add 8:
Finally, a picture of Bernie from tonight...

And a lovely article, too. Yes, Bernie DOES belong among the Yankee greats!!

Last Edited to Add, I promise...we're on #9 already?

And another article, from NYT.

Brett Gardner Post of the Day

2008-09-20T00:24:00.009-04:00

Today (well, I guess yesterday) was clearly Brett Gardner's day. A brilliant play in centerfield, an RBI double, the adoration of a large number of Yankee fans, AND the love of Iko. What more could he (or, really, anyone else) ask for? Click here to watch an awesome play in centerfield. Perhaps one of the best since Bernie. I'm so excited to actually be loving the Yankees centerfielder right now, and hopefully, I'll be able to, for many, many seasons to come. And, just so you all can think I have more mental problems, check out what I purchased last night:

Yes, it's true. I am the only person, aside from Brett's parents and girlfriend (or boyfriend, I won't be so presumptuous to assume he's straight, although I hope he is or else I have no shot at becoming his baby mama) to own a Brett Gardner Yankees T-shirt.

ZOMG! Stephen Colbert Post of the Day!

2008-09-16T15:14:00.003-04:00

ZOMG!!!! This will be the best thing ever shown on TV...look at Stephen's boots!!!

Things I've Bought That I Love

2008-09-16T15:00:00.000-04:00

Sigg Water Bottle

(This is, in fact, my exact bottle - got to support my people with the Swiss logo!)

I'm pro-environment. I try to save, reuse, reduce, and recycle as much as possible. I have a reusable, insulated lunch bag. I drive a small, fuel-efficient car. I recycle everything I can. I carry my own bags back to the grocery store and always bring my thermos to Starbucks in the morning for my coffee (or, better yet, make my own coffee at home). I think if every person in the U.S. had to go to a landfill or go clean plastic McDonald's straw up off a beach just once in their life, the amount of waste Americans produced would be cut in half. I'm not saying this in a, "Oh, I'm so much better than you" kind of way, just in a, "this is what's important to me, so here's what I do" kind of way. Which is why I think this water bottle is so awesome.

Anyway, I had been using a Nalgene 1-L bottle for the past few years, which I liked because it was light and I could put it in the dishwaher, but after reading a bunch about the various plasticides leaching into beverages from plastic bottles and being concerned about the fact that the Nalgene bottle isn't recyclable, I decided to switch to the more expensive, but infinitely better, Sigg aluminum water bottle.

It's extremely light, yet still holds 1 liter of water. You can attach the lid to a carabiner when you go hiking (or just carry it in your hand, like me, if you never exercise ever). Plus, since it's aluminum, it has the added benefit of being recyclable when you finally wear that bitch out. Sadly, you can't put it into the dishwasher, so you need to clean it with boiling water and soap, or a bottle brush, but I think it's worth it.

They were sold out of the bottles at the Sigg website last time I checked, but they definitely have them at other outdoors-y stores, like EMS, or probably even at Amazon. Cost: $20-$25.

Puma Flip Flops at a Toronto Foot Locker:

(This is kind of a crappy picture, but the flip flops have fabric top strap-thingys, not the plastic kind that gives you horrible blisters when you wear them for more than an hour).

So, I went to Boston to visit a friend of mine about four years ago and, during the course of my visit, we clearly went shopping. And, in a small, ghetto store somewhere in Cambridge, I found the love of my life, a pair of comfy, red, Puma flip flops. I loved those flip flops. Like an Ed Helms-like kind of love. But, you know, after like one summer most flip flops are pretty much done, so the following summer I tried to find another pair. No where to be found. Not online, not in any store, not anywhere in the world. Even one of my friends who WORKS at Puma, DESIGNING shoes couldn't get a pair. So, I figured it was a lost cause. Then, on my recent trip to Toronto, I happened into a Foot Locker (in fact, the very same Foot Locker in which I had purchased my awesome adidas overnight bag

(which is actually bright yellow) five years earlier) and it was as if God himself had showed me the way! Oh, the marvelous flip flops were there, smiling at me, saying, "Iko, please buy me! I've waited my whole life, since I was made in a sweatshop in Thailand for you to come buy me!" So I did. And I will wear them everyday until it becomes to cold in ghetto Jersey to wear them outside. Then I will wear them inside until the sweet, happy days of spring return to the east coast. Cost: $20.

Lucky Brand Zoe jeans

So, I have a thing for jeans. Much like Ed Helms and my Puma flip flops, I heart them. I work at a university, so jeans are practically the dress code. However, until recently, I had a problem finding jeans that actually fit well and looked good. See, I'm a skinny girl. But, beyond that, I have the shape of a 14 year-old boy (i.e. no hips and general scrawny-ness). So, the only place I could actually buy jeans that were reasonably priced and didn't gap at my hips and waist was Delia's. Which I heart. But, let's be fair, all their jeans are cut so low that your ass-crack hangs out whenever you sit, bend over, stand, crouch...basically any movement and you're showing the world your coin slot. Not super appropriate, to be almost 30 and expose your ass crack...let alone being almost 30 and having to buy all of your clothes at Delia's.

Then, I discovered the Zoe jean, which I believe is actually a new style, which is probably why I didn't discover them until now. Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you, the pants are not cheap. But, when compared to True Religion, Paper Denim, etc., they're down-right reasonable. And, honestly, if you find a pair of pants that fits you really well, wouldn't you spend the money on them? I think it's worth it. Basically, the jeans are made of awesome. They're cut straight through the hip (good for my boyish figure) and have a slight bootcut, not so much that the bottom of your pants covers your feet, but not like the super-skinny jeans (although I have been quite enamored of them in the recent weeks - a blog for another time). They come in great washes, many lengths, and, best of all, do not ride down low over your ass, so I will not be exposing myself to the undergraduates I teach. Win-win. Win. Cost: $110 - $130.

IASiP Season 3

My love for this show has been fairly well-documented. And, when the new season starts this Thursday at 10 pm on FX, it will be even more well-documented. Simply put, season 3 was hysterical, including such brilliant episodes as "The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby" and "Mac is a Serial Killer." The commentaries by the three male stars (which I am proud to say I watched at work), are awesome, although I wish they had actually done more commentaries, I love to hear the behind-the-scenes info. The blooper reel is also great, although, again, it could have been longer (TWSS). I absolutely cannot wait for new episodes to start again and this is a great way to help stave off the hunger until Thursday. Perhaps I will post my thoughts solely about the show at some near point in the future. Cost: $25.99 at amazon.com.

Ed Helms Post of the Day

2008-09-14T23:21:00.002-04:00

From a lovely article about Ed in NY Mag:

Ed Helms wasn’t always a jackass. For a while, he was an aspiring filmmaker in New York. He worked for a postproduction house, loved the job, and even now talks of it wistfully. “I was and still am very infatuated with filmmaking,” he says, before describing his editing duties in all earnestness as “sexy and fun.” While training as an editor, he laid down a few rough-cut voice-over “scratch tracks.” From there, he landed some real voice-over gigs. From there, he got an agent. Finally, he realized he could quit his job and pursue stand-up comedy full-time, because, as he says, “I was finding this thing that I love, which is acting like a jackass professionally.”

The rest of the article is here. Be forewarned, he looks creepily like Jason Jones in the picture on the first page of the article.

Guy Fieri

2008-09-13T23:43:00.002-04:00

Can anyone tell me why Guy Fieri is sitting next to William Shatner in the audience for SNL tonight?

Also, I'm so late on the uptake here, but Tina Fey as Sarah Palin is made of awse.

The Bernie Willams Post of the Day

2008-09-13T18:28:00.004-04:00

Happy 40th Birthday Bernie! You may not be the best Yankee (as viewed by some), but you're my favorite Yankee, and, since it's my blog, I'm the only one who matters. Remember when you ran away from me in Toronto 5 years ago? I'm sure you don't, but I still heart you and will continue to further one of my quests in the world - to have one person, other than myself, acknowledge that you are the greatest Yankee ever!

(photo from NYT)

Updated to add a link to this article about Bernie coming back to Yankee Stadium.