"Top Chef - Block Party" - Where everyone wears douche-y hats

At first, I thought this was going to be the inevitable, ubiquitous, let-the-women-complain-about-the-kitchen-being-a-boy's-club episode. Come on, guys, you thought it was, too. All the ladies complaining in the beginning about two women being sent home in a row. How hard it is for a woman in a kitchen. How rare it is to have more than one woman in a restaurant kitchen. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be anti-women in restaurant kitchens, I think people should get to work wherever they want, without prejudice. But, that said, if you're going to work in a restaurant, you have to be aware going in as a woman, that it will be difficult. Don't complain about it. You're on "Top Chef." Clearly, you're doing something right.

Anyway, onto the episode. The Quickfire was good, I really like Rick Bayless and, having eaten at Frontera Grill, I know his food is really tasty. His choice in shirts, however...

As soon as Erik went off on his rant about Mexican food and fine dining not going together, I knew we were in for a treat (plus, douche-y hat of the night #1 made an appearance). At first, I was like, "Yo, douche bag, why are you talking smack about Mexican food? Do you really think there are NO fine dining restaurants in Mexico? Or fine dining establishments that serve Mexican food?" But was still slightly amused at his inappropriate and borderline racist comment. But, when he said Rick Bayless could go screw himself (or whatever he said), I actually got a little mad, as evidenced in my notes from last night, in which I wrote in response to that statement: "I'll cut you." I think that sums up my feelings for him, and the entire Red Team, during the Elimination Challenge. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

As far as the actual Quickfire Challenge food goes, I liked Richard's jicama taco shell idea. Apparently, I'm one of the few people that likes him, even though he is a little Season 1 Stephen-esque, I'll give his haters that. I thought Spike's pork taco taco looked good, too, albeit not fine-dining good, although I was kind of annoyed at his, "I'm not going to be someone I'm not." What does that even mean? Of course you're who you are...if you weren't you'd be someone else. Plus, he was wearing that stupid hat too (douche-y hat #2 alert), so, apparently, he was trying to be someone else. Namely, Ashlee Simpson. Andrew's taco looked good (duck, in a taco shell, what's NOT to like?), too but he's still freaking me out, what with his twitching and excessive blinking and mood swings. I think Manuel got screwed there - his chorizo taco looked awesome. I bet it was delicious, too, I thought for sure he would get a top mention, since we're still at the stage where the editors only show the best and worst of the Quickfire.

Elimination Challenge:
My overall thoughts can be summed up in one important sentence from my notes: "I really hate Erik - I hope he goes home." Although, I guess I should replace "Erik" with "the whole Red Team." They were acting all cocky and D-baggy from the start. Even Hot!Ryan. Spike (I think) telling the other team that the one house was cleaned out was low,too. I can't believe that was the last we heard of it. I definitely though someone would bring it up during Judge's Table. I will say that the producers MUST have sent people into the neighborhood ahead of time to let those poor people know random chefs would be busting into their houses and taking their food. They all had way too much nice food laying around, even with block party cooking going on. I would definitely NOT have let anyone in my house to take my food. Ever. Except Hot!Ryan. But I would force him to stay in my house and cook for me. Also, that one woman who let them take her wine - wow. Bitch is crazy. I would NEVER let anyone take my wine. Unless it was Hot!Ryan and he stayed and drank it with me.

Onto the Sniff n' Sneer! My favorite part was Tom C. making fun of the "Sexy Drink" by being surprised that lavender is "sexy" now. Also, did anyone else find the drink name somewhat inappropriate for an event with a lot of children? My second favorite part was Tom's sneer at Erik when Erik said his team would win because of the "heart" they're putting into everything. Also, it was quite foreboding to see him ask about the breading on the corn dog and predict the sogginess that would transpire. Nikki, too, though, she really has no business being there. That mac and cheese was a mistake from the beginning, how is pasta ever good after it sits and is reheated? And, am I wrong, or did I hear her say she added salt to the mac and cheese to help moisten it? Because, I'm not going to lie to you, if she really added salt, she has no business even being a chef. Salt draws moisture OUT of products. It doesn't provide moisture TO the product.

Overall EC food notes: When Padma dropped her marshmallow onto Ted's shoe, I nearly lost it. I love Ted Allen and his, "you're going to get the bill for that" was awse. You know he's wearing some fancy-ass shoes, even to a block party. Plus, Ted wins with the comment of the night, "Thank God we got some sausage in there." All together now: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

I think, overall, the Blue Team's food was better. Nikki should be thanking the "Top Chef" gods that she was on the winning team, because that bought her an extra week. I'll call it right now. She's going home in the next three weeks. Probably next week. Dale's pork skewers looked really tasty, as did the not-a-paella. Thinking about it now, I guess the Blue Team did go a little more upscale, which is what (I think) the judges were hoping to see after the Quickfire. The Red Team really thought they were going to win, the poor bastards. Nope. Pork skewers and sliders can't save you now...

I will say, though, that this was a tough challenge because they did have to cook for kids, adults, and the judges, and I can see how the would have struggled to balance food that appeals to kids and also appeals to the judges, who've eaten all over the world. But, having said that, it seemed more like the food they made was just bad in general, not inappropriate for the setting. If you make a macaroni and cheese, using Velveeta, make it good. Not just passable, you know, good enough for kids and "Middle America" with their "unrefined palates." Pasta salad can be delicious and very inventive. Don't complain about being stuck with it, then not say anything about it to the rest of your team, and make a crappy one to boot. It always shocks me (maybe that says something about me, I should have learned by now) when the chefs try to make just "OK" food and expect to win. You should be balls to the wall each challenge. You're on TV for God's sake! Try your hardest! Make the best street food you can!

I think the judges made the right call. The Blue Team did seem to do better, and I'm really glad Stephanie won. She really has a great way of just slightly changing a dish, to keep it familiar, yet reinvent it as something different and tasty! As far as the Red Team, I don't know what to say. On the message boards and blogs, some people seem to think their pissy reaction was due to the judges being overly harsh. I actually didn't get that at all. I think the judges were just upset because the quality of the food was so bad. I thought it was completely out of left field when the men-folk on the Red Team started talking back to the judges. Especially Spike. And, clearly, Andrew, but I expected that from his crazy-ass. The best part of that scene was Tom covering his mouth to prevent us from seeing his smirk in reaction to Andrew ranting about having to be dragged out by security. It narrowly beat out Ted Allen summing up my thoughts, by telling them they were "condescending to the crowd."

And, as I had hoped for earlier, Erik was sent home. Good riddance. Crappy attitude. Stupid hat. Overly angry expression in all "Top Chef" related promotional materials. I also enjoyed how he had to clarify that his career wasn't over now that he'd been kicked off the show. As if anyone would assume so. Whatever dude. take your hat and go back to SF. I will go eat your lobster corndog if I'm ever there, though. It does sound delicious.

Assorted random thoughts:
Did Andrew cursing in front of the children after he threw that ball at the dunk tank?
Nikki, why would you ad SALT to moisten the Mac and Cheese?
Hot!Ryan has cute dimples, but he's kind of a DB.
And, here are a few more takes on the episode:
This one, I agree with.
This is more amusing than anything else.
Another one.

Next week - Daniel Boulud! Hot!Ryan makes fun of cracked-out Andrew! More lesbian drama!

Mushroom Turds and Quinoa - "Top Chef - Zoo Food"

Well, interesting episode of "Top Chef" last night. By that I mean, it was kind of boring, right? Where's the tension and drama? They tried to bring it in with Dale throwing Nikki under the bus (seriously, how glad are you the "Top Chef" contestants finally got rid of THAT expression), but bitch deserved it. She was serving those gross pecorino-blueberry-mushroom piles after her team decided not to serve them, or did I miss something?

Anyway, let's start with the Quickfire. I liked the farmer's market/you can only use five ingredients idea. I think, too often, chefs (like other non-chef people) like to make food too complicated. I certainly prefer simple, clean food, so it was nice to see some of them were able to create awesome-looking, probably awesome-tasting dishes with limited resources. And, clearly, twitchy Andrew effed it up by adding balsamic. What a crack-ho. I'm sure they went through the rules with the over and over and he still messed it up. You know how they were allowed to bring some "secret" ingredients they can't live without with them to Chi-town (yeah, I know, Iko, don't ever say that again) and keep the ingredients in their locker with their tools? Yeah, Andrew's locker is filled with the rock. No question.

Also awesome about the Quickfire, Wylie Dufresne was there! I think he's so awesome and incredibly creative and whimsically so. I'm not too hearting of the whole molecular gastronomy thing, if I want to eat locust bean gum and citric acid powder, I'll just have some citrus-y creamsicle Kraft makes, it's not what I want to eat when I go out to eat at a fancy restaurant - that's just not what appeals to me. That doesn't make it wrong or any less interesting to see what his mind can come up with. That said, I was annoyed when faux-hawk said molecular gastronomy is using science to make food better or whatever. Um, yeah, not so much. I think it's using science to make food different and interesting. And, as we all know, "science is whatever we want it to be." In this case, science makes food crazy. Also, as my old roommate pointed out, Australian (New Zealand?) guy probably won the Quickfire because of his sideburns...that comment by WD totally made me crack up (or maybe it was all the wine I was drinking while watching the show).

For the Elimination Challenge, I was totally concerned (just as the chefs were) that they had to cook penguin and gorilla. I was like, WTF "Top Chef?" This isn't really that legal...but, the challenge was pretty cool, although the results were pretty much less than stellar and a little boring. I think the best part of the second half of the episode was the Colicchio "sniff and sneer" in which he appeared to be covered in some kind of bronzing powder. Seriously Tommy, are you hitting up the fake n' bake with Padma? Or maybe Paris Hilton? He looked like a shorter, slightly chunkier Mr. Clean.

And, if it was sunburn - dude, you HAVE to put on sunblock when you go outside. Chefs are allowed to die of heart attacks from eating too much butter and cream, but skin cancer? That just means you didn't spend enough time inside cooking at (one of your many) Craft(s) and too much time OUTSIDE frolicking about with Padma.

I guess I should write about the food a bit, too? Well, the blinis CLEARLY didn't go over well. I think everyone watching the show was like, "WTF, Valerie? Why would you fry something, transport it, then reheat it? Aren't you a chef? Shouldn't you know it's never good to fry something you need to bring somewhere else?" As my notes from last night said:

Blini shipped in Gladware? Yeah, try again. No frying, transporting and reheating, ever again, please! Poor chefmanship.

/RANT ALERT
Also, I'm sorry, ranting side note: WTF is up with every person on the show last night (Tommy excluded) not knowing the difference between a blini and a BELLini? Or at least knowing the correct pronunciation of each?
END RANT/

Stephanie disappointed me, too. I thought she'd be good after last week, but again, why would you try to make crispy celery chip that you then need to transport in some Gladware? Then to try and save it, only to dress the crab salad (apparently I have drugs on the brain, too, Andrew, damn you!! I just wrote "crack" salad instead of crab salad) too early so IT became soggy, I think you're better than that, Stephanie. That said, I'm kind of pulling for her. She seems nice and appears to be a good chef, aside from some sogginess issues. Also, while those mushroom things did look horrible, I seem to remember an issue with Howie and the term "mushroom turds" last season? Don't you think the chefs should learn from previous seasons? Or, maybe, the cameramen/editors shouldn't re-air the same drama from season to season.

On the other side, Team penguin did do really well. I liked their glacier tablesKape, in spite of it being somewhat Sandy-esque. Their food looked good, too. Also, as much as I want to punch Stephanie in the groin for her salad debacle, her banana bread with SALTED CARAMEL sauce looked awse! The Vulture teams' meatballs and quinoa looked really good, too. I kind of hoped they would win, I love meatballs and saying the word "quinoa."

Some final toughts on the episode:

Padma looked pretty bitchy when she came into the chef's waiting area and asked for Team Vulture and Penguin. One would think she wouldn't need to try to emote when she calls the teams to Judge's Table. Everyone must know by now that they call the winners first, then the losers.

Colicchio calling something a "great bite" during judges table was my favorite moment of the night, with the exception of when I realized he looked like Mr. Clean.

To my boy Dale: you always lie and say you tasted the dish. ALWAYS. Also, you should ALWAYS wear a shirt under your chef's coat, otherwise you look filthy and guido.

What's up with Nikki's blue glasses? Is she trying to be like Bono?

Preview for next week: Why are all the chefs wearing douche-y hats? RICK effing BAYLESS! I hope they do a Mexican cooking challenge and he rips them all apart. Except for Stephanie. And Dale (I still like him, even if he is super-bitchy).