Tuesday Tirade - Mother-effing Burger King

(Found through TV and Serious Eats)
There are no words. Just watch the insensitivity and complete ignorance below:





Actually, there are words. Some of them are here. More of them are here and here.

Look, I'm not going to write anything that wasn't written in those articles, or say anything more intelligent than the people who will certainly talk about this tomorrow, but I just have to say that this is a horrible ad campaign. Like really awful. The "Whopper Virgins" Burger King is forcing to eat these burgers, are actually suffering from malnutrition, hunger, and extreme poverty, among other things most Americans have little concept of. How is it ethical to bring these people our diabetes-inducing, fat-laden food, just so they can have a bite, to see which disgusting, waste of food and Calories "tastes" better? And all just to promote their stupid burger as tasting better than McDonalds - not to bring awareness to the issues facing the people featured in the commercials. It makes me sad that this is the only impression of American food (and probably America, in general) these people will probably ever have. It makes me more sad that this stupid campaign will actually get Burger King lots of attention and probably make degenerate people with no brains' actually WANT to eat there more.

If Burger King really wanted to bring attention to themselves and people who need help, wouldn't it serve the cause better to donate a portion of their profits for the month to a program to help relieve hunger in these regions? Or actually show the plight of the people in Thailand or Romania, rather than use the most remote regions of these countries as a way to find people that haven't been poisoned by crap food yet? Quite frankly, both Burger King's and McDonalds' burgers suck. It's not even a victory for Burger King (clearly their burgers win, or they wouldn't have bothered to show the commercials in the first place) because they win the title of having the best burger of two that suck and exploit a bunch of people in the process. It's pathetic, insensitive, and, in no way, helps the resolve or improve the situation of world hunger and poverty.

And it has cost Burger King my business. The one Jr. Whopper I would have bought in the next ten years. I'll add that $1.50 to the donations I plan to make this holiday season.

Wednesday Wrath: HFCS Commercials (Subtitle: Do They Think We're Stupid?)

I know I'm a little late to the party on this one, but let's break it down, shall we?

It's made from corn - this is actually true! It is made from corn! But it's processed through a bunch of scientific methods, which I will not bore you with, but, sufficed to say it uses lots of energy and creates lots of waste. Also, just because something is MADE from corn, doesn't mean it's good for you, right? I mean, look at cornbread - it's delicious, but not exactly healthy. Creamed corn? Polenta (made with butter and Parmesan cheese, of course)? Not so much. Why is the fact that it's made from corn a selling point, exactly?

Regardless, growing the corn in the first place isn't that great, anyway. I mean, the government basically pays farmers to grow corn to make ethanol, HFCS, and cow feed, instead of encouraging them to grow a variety of crops to encourage and ensure a healthy population with a highly varied diet of fruits and vegetables. Then, the farmers are forced to pesticide and fertilize the crap out of the corn crop to ensure they produce enough to make a good amount of money, which I don't need to tell you completely destroys the soil, the ecosystem, and pretty much the entire environment. All so we can make Twinkies, ice pops, and fruit drink - all stuff no one should ever eat, anyway.

It's fine in moderation - OK, also true, but isn't everything fine in moderation? I mean, if I do crack once or twice in my life, will that adversely affect me? Probably not. If I eat a delicious roasted chicken, slathered in gravy with mashed potatoes once a month, will I die of a heart attack? Most likely, no. But, my point here is that it's almost impossible to eat processed food and have HFCS in moderation. It's in EVERYTHING. Look at the loaf of bread on your counter or in the fridge. What about your cereal in the morning? Your soup at lunch? Your frozen Lean Cuisine dinner? Your salad dressing? The list goes on and on. Sure, having one Ho-ho is fine, but add that to your breakfast of Lucky Charms, the sandwich and soup you had for lunch, the soda you had driving home, etc., and you're pretty much screwed. It's become so ubiquitous in the American diet that we don't even notice it.

If we all want to stop getting diabetes, heart disease, and getting fat, we need to really look at the ingredients of the foods we eat. Better yet, eat foods that have no "ingredients" by buying some chicken, vegetables, and rice and making dinner yourself. It saves you money, keeps you healthy, and gives you delicious leftovers to bring to work the next day - making your co-workers jealous. Plus, it makes me rant less, which keeps my blood pressure down, which results in happier Iko and happier people around her.

So, to sum up: WTF!!? HFCS ads? Don't pretend we're stupid. And don't make me cut you.

To Whet Your Appetite for the Tuesday Tirade

Why was I cut off by a man driving a red Miata on my way to work this morning? With the top down? While wearing an ear-warmer-thingy? It's early morning in October in NJ - put up the stupid top on your car and stop acting like a douchebag. No one wants to see you in your car that badly.

Also, to the douche-hat in front of me in line at Chipotle - take out your F-ing bluetooth earpiece if it will interfere with you paying for your food in a timely fashion and remove your sunglasses from the BACK (yes, BACK) of your shirt. You look like an idiot.

And Now, The Bastard Offspring of The Tuesday Tirade - The Wednesday Wrath

Shockingly, not too much pissed me off yesterday. I was mostly tired, which led to my general apathy toward the degeneracy surrounding me. However, today, I'm back in fighting form, so I present to you The Wednesday Wrath:

The Asshole Who Sits Next to Me in Stats.

I'm taking a one-credit statistics class as my last class ever for graduate school. I only need one more credit, so F-ed if I'm going to take a full semester, three-credit one. It's a five week class, during which our TA teaches us how to use SAS to run statistical analysis. Not hard (TWSS). Especially since I already have a working knowledge of SAS, but just wanted to learn the shortcuts and some of the more, shall we say, intimate details of the program. One credit, five weeks, I figured I'd power through and be done. And, it's fine, except that it's an undergraduate class and I'd forgotten how bitchy and annoying those little, privileged weasels are...GOD.

The class is one night a week, for 2 hours and 50 minutes. And, you know what? The class is kind of annoying, I'm not going to lie. It's in a classroom in one of the many computer labs on campus, since we're using a statistical program and there's only one TA who has to walk around and check everyone's programs and answer everyone's questions before we move on. It sucks. It takes 45 minutes to get through one procedure in SAS, because pretty much everyone has questions (mostly regarding missing semi colons) and the TA, quite frankly, isn't very good at explaining anything. But, it's a one-credit class for God's Sake. Just F-ing sit there, check your fantasy baseball team or favorite blogs (AbS) in the downtime and suck it up. Am I right?

But, ADD boy next to me can't hold it together. He NEVER runs the programs the TA asks him to. He just sits there and texts or IMs his friends and sighs loudly in my ear, in a disgruntled fashion. Half the time, he doesn't even have SAS open on his computer, it's literally just on the screen saver. Then, when the TA comes by to check his work, he says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't get it," but never looks up from his stupid iPhone. And, to make matters worse, the TA doesn't care, and the asshole will probably pass the class, since the TA doesn't know anyone's name anyway.

Seriously, you know what? I get that it's a state school. I get that spoiled, rich brats get bribed by their parents to come here with a shiny, new BMW or Lexus. I get that these kids don't have to pay for school, work jobs while they're in school, or even pay loans once they leave. I'm OK with that, their parents worked hard so their children don't need to leave school in debt. Fine. This isn't me, bitterly ranting about my school debt or my parents' lack of planning. But, W. T. FFFFFFFFFFF. Don't F-ing piss me off, asshole in stats. I'm paying for my undergraduate loans (still) and working at said state school full time so I can get my Masters for free. The last thing I want to see when I go to class is some brat who thinks he's better than everyone else, wasting his parents money by sitting in class, not learning anything (or even trying) and getting the same grade as me. Suck it up. Pay attention for 2 hours. All your hos will like you more if you're smart AND have a BMW your Dad bought you. And I won't be forced to cut you in the dark alley behind the computer lab after class.

TNFNS - WTF, Food Network?

So, apparently, Aaron won this season of TNFNS, but, you didn't even need to watch the finale to find out. What is wrong with Food Network? Did they leak the winner to try and create more drama and controversy? If so, um, not a good call, PR people. Did they leak the winner by accident? If so, I hope some tech peeps got fired for that. Also, why, why, why, is Aaron holding a half-peeled apple in his promo shot?

What sort of culinary preparation requires a half-peeled apple? And how did they prevent it from turning brown immediately after peeling? Clearly, the only explanation is that Food Network has some kind of magical, almost witch-like powers. They cast spells on apples so they don't turn brown when shooting inexplicable promo photos and perform other types of sorcery to keep me watching the crap they put on the air. I give up.

On a delightful side note, here's a programming reminder:
Jason Sudeikis will be on Late Night with Conan O'Brien tonight.

Tuesday Tirade - Rachael Ray

Dear Rachael,
Stop referring to your microwave "the mike." I am a grown woman, who inexplicably watches your show, even though I can come up with 30-minute meals on my own. I don't want to hear any cutesy expressions or Ray-tarted abbreviations. It doesn't make your show any more fun, it clearly doesn't make you speak any less, and it indicates to me that you think I'm an idiot. Of course, I may actually be an idiot, as I continue to watch both "30-Minute Meal" episodes, every weekday, at 6 and 6:30, despite the rage that rises up within me during that hour.

Your reluctant and inexplicably faithful viewer,
Iko

P.S. Stop smoking. Seriously. You sound like someone's great-grandmother who smoked for 70 years, lives in Boca, and yells Girl Scouts to get off her lawn from her lanai. Otherwise known as my future. Minus the smoking. And the great-grandchildren. And the living in Boca. Basically, I'll just yell at children to get off my lawn.

P.P.S. Stop telling that *&^^%% story about you burning the #$@@*** bread. One of your 15 off-camera assistants will make sure it doesn't.

Tuesday Tirade - Fat Free Banana

Today, as I took my trusty banana out of my Hello Kitty tote bag I use to carry my lunch to work, I noticed something affixed to it that caused great amounts of anger to rise up in my body: a sticker proclaiming, "Peel Me, I'm Fat Free!" Is this what the world has come to? People are encouraged to eat fruit because it's fat-free, not because of the copious amount of nutrients, antioxidants, and fiber contained within them? Is the entire U.S. population so stupid that they don't know fruit is (for the most part) fat-free, thereby necessitating a marketing ploy, in which "fat-free" stickers are placed on the outside of fruit? Actually, maybe it is necessary, since the people who most likely need to lose weight and eat healthier foods are the very same ones making the choice to eat an Egg McMuffin for breakfast, all the while claiming they "didn't know McDonald's food was so high in fat" and suing McDonald's for making them obese. Well, now you can't use that lame excuse anymore. The grocery store produce department makes it easy for you to make healthy choices.

FYI:
Banana - 108 calories, 0.2g of fat
Egg McMuffin (egg, cheese, bacon) - 300 calories, 12g of fat

Global Warming - UR Cauzing It

So, on my 15 minute trip to the bank during lunch, I saw three cars parked in the parking lot of the bank and the strip mall next to the bank (containing a Popeye's and a Dunkin' Donuts) parked and RUNNING for more than 10 minutes. With no persons or pets inside. Apparently it's so hot outside, people have abandoned common sense (running your car because you're too lazy to turn off the A/C while you stuff your face with grease causes global warming, which causes you to run your car more, which causes more global warming...) and decency (poisoning the environment for me and for the future generations). I understand that your fucking fat-lard-ass can't handle the 98 degree temperatures we're currently experiencing after a gorge-fest at Popeye's, but maybe you should stay at home in your air conditioned apartment and eat something more legitimate than fried chicken and potatoes. Or, better yet, eat nothing. Then I wouldn't have to see your giant ass waddling out of Popeye's while I'm reporting you to the DEP. I hope you have to pay a fine bigger than your cellulite-ridden thighs. Fucker.

(Look for another such diatribe every Tuesday in a new segment here at AbS - The Tuesday Tirade)

***Edited to add: while my anger is pretty evident from the above, I realize my point isn't. These people left their cars running to keep the A/C on so they wouldn't have to get back into a hot car after eating. No, they weren't just running inside to pick something up or drop someone off. They were LITERALLY sitting inside Popeye's eating lunch, with their cars idling outside.***