The Shine of Tom's Head Matches the Glow in My Heart

"Top Chef" Episode 5 - Tailgating - will the bitchiness of last week's episode be topped this week?

Short Answer - No. Long Answer - Still no.

(Sidebar: WTF is with Dale's dancing in the opening credits?)

Opening:
Spike is pissy that people want him to go home for being a sucky-cook-douchebag. Jenn talks about how she's fired up now that Zoi's gone and that she's gonna win for that bitch! Go Jenn! Take bitches down and win "Top Chef!" Dale and Lisa talk about the fight last night and kind of apologize, mostly I'm just thinking that I like Dale's camo hoodie. Plus it's kind of funny, because he didn't really apologize, he kind of was like, "I'm sorry that I find your personality abrasive." I guess it's kind of an apology. But an apology with an insult all embedded inside it. Kind of like a date wrapped almond rolled in coconut. Although those are delicious and not at all bitchy like Dale.

Quickfire:
Make some food that goes with beer. I'm with the peeps that were all like, I don't drink beer ever, I'm not a fan. If I'm going to have food and liquor, it's going to be wine. But, that's just me. A Top Chef must certainly be able to cook food that goes with beer. That said, I would have made wings or a burger or something. I think some of them went a little crazy. Here are some random thoughts about a random selection of the food:

Richard - Grilled tuna, quick pickle (who are you Richard, Sam from season 2?).
Dale - too complex, wtf is with the pretzels?
Stephanie - beer and mussels!!! Score!!
Spike - you are a douchebag.
Jenn - the beignets!! Double score!!

And the bottom three are Nikki, Spike (Jen laughs at him), Dale (Lisa laughs at him). Not to surprising based on the editing. The top three are Richard, Stephanie, and Jenn. Again, not surprising, but I was really happy Jenn won. Her food looked good and she was really fired up, she definitely deserved to win. Spike still acts like a douche after Jenn wins and makes some borderline insensitive remarks about lesbians. Are you surprised? Yeah, neither was I.

Elimination Challenge:
The challenge is to cook tailgating food for the Bears game tomorrow. Apparently there's no weird twist to this one. They don't have to use a limited budget, or only food from a vending machine, or whatever. Oh wait, they HAVE to pack the food in Gladware, there's the twist. I think if I went on "Top Chef" I would bring Ziploc containers as my secret item and only use them to pack my food, making sure the containers were prominently displayed in the fridge and the coolers. I actually like this challenge a lot. I would love to just go and cook massive amounts of food for happy Bears fans. What's not to like? Plus, as an added bonus, the Quickfire actually directly relates to the Elimination Challenge...I think they're getting better at this "Top Chef" show thing.

Commercial Break - what's with the "Coming Up Next on 'Top Chef'" preview with the bootleg porno music? Trying to amp up the man-love drama, Bravo producers?

Shopping - Spike acts douche-y about the chicken wings and hogs them all. Dale makes ribs - yummy! Richard talks about how he's refined and therefore cannot make tailgating foods, then choses to make a burger. Ryan talks about how he likes to dance and buy expensive clothes, rather than watch sports. Is that a death knell I hear?

Cooking - Andrew's pile o' bacon makes me want to make out with him. Ryan - what football fan wants poached pears? Richard says that he's cooking for the masses and they clearly can't appreciate anything more than a hamburger.

Sniff n' Sneer - Colicchio's head has been polished to a high gloss. Sadly, I think they had to cut a large portion of Tom's interaction with the chefs, which is sad, it's always my favorite part when he tires to give them hints about how to make their food better. In this case, he tells Ryan he's an idiot - with his eyes!!

Home - Mass drinking...Spike and Mark try to entice the ladies to join them in the tub, sadly, no takers. I wouldn't get that close to either of them either, ladies...strong restraint. So, instead they decide to hang out and be gay in the tub together. With bubbles and champagne. WTF? This is weird. I'm kind of uncomfortable...no, wait, it's only because the bootleg porno music is back again.

The Game - Everyone sprints across the grass with their coolers and tries to get their food together in an hour. Stephanie says there's good energy. The judges show up, looking retarded in their personalized Bears jerseys. I hate, hate, HATE when people take their favorite teams' jersey and put their own stupid last name on the back. I HATE that. HATE HATE HATE. Stupid douchebags who wear NYY 23 with their own last name instead of Mattingly's or the degenerate, drunken douche-bonnets from Staten Island who wear a pink NYY jersey with a number two on it and "I heart Jeter" (or something equally braindead) written across the top should all be punched in the back of the head, then choked with their stupid jersey. WTF is wrong in someone's head that makes them think that's OK? Do you really think you're part of the team? Do you actually believe, in your heart, that you're better than Don Mattingly or that Derek Jeter knows who you are (or would even care to know you)?

The food!
Stephanie - Sprinkles things with bacon. Made of win! Pork
Dale - RIBS! I love, love, love how excited he was when the old-school Bears players showed up. I like Dale, even with all of his bitchiness.
Spike - Wings. Douchebag tries to pretend he likes football, then asks when the Bears won a Superbowl. Ha! The fans should have just cut him then and there.
Ryan - Works the crowd, like a douchebag, I guess to cover up his ridiculous (and tailgate inappropriate) food.
Andrew - Wears a Bears helmet. He should wear one in real life so he doesn't hurt himself when he's on a Meth bender. Plus, he adds parsnips to his dish. WTF is up with the parsnips? Didn't that not go over too well last week? I laughed out loud when Colicchio reaffirmed his random hatred of the parsnip.
Nikki - Sausage and bread. Apparently there were some peppers and onions at some point, but bitch didn't save enough for the judges, uh-oh. Plus, she didn't really make anything. Didn't they ream someone last season b/c Malarkey made his own seafood sausage and whoever they were reaming bought the ones they were using? Sorry, too much wine has killed too many brain cells for me to remember that far back in time.
Mark - his station is disgusting. I definitely wouldn't eat his food, no matter how good it was. I know most restaurant kitchens are disgusting, I'm not pretending they're not, but I don't have to look at it...come on Mark, step up!

Judge's Table
(Does Tom's head look less shiny? Are you as disturbed as I am that I care so much about the gloss of Tom's melon?)

Antonia, Dale, Stephanie are made of win. Dale is made of the most win! His prize - a douchey Bears jersey with "top Chef" printed on the back. Oh, and the grill on which he cooked his winning dish. I'd burn that effing jersey on the grill to break it in.

Mark, Nikki, Ryan are made of fail. Nikki is confused about why the people hated her food and she wears a stupid hat.
Ryan gets reamed about the dessert, while Colicchio dresses him down with his eyes. Again. I bet Padma wishes she could emote the same way Tom can. Mark gets yelled at about his filthy cooking and tasting habits. Again, Mark, I KNOW chefs are putting their filthy fingers in my food before I taste it, but I don't want to SEE it happen. On cable TV. And you should know better than to do that in front of the Judges. The judges deliberate and try to decide what the worst offense was: inappropriate foods (Ryan), no effort/not caring (Nikki), and laziness/messiness (Mark). I vote for messiness and general filthiness, because that's gross and no "Top Chef" would be that disgusting. Really, Mark? What would Thomas Keller do?

The Elimination - Tom gives a speech about the perfect storm of food and sports at Soldier Field, all the while emoting his disdain for Ryan with only his eyes and slightly-less -shiny head. Then he tells them they all sucked it up, but Ryan sucked it up the most. Actually, I'm kind of surprised. I thought it would be Nikki or Mark, Ryan's food didn't seem like it was bad, just inappropriate. I think overt grossness and lack of making any food at all far outweigh a poached pear at a tailgating party. But, I didn't taste the food and I trust Mr. Clean. Bye Hot!Ryan. We'll miss your douchiness and prettiness. Go be metrosexual back in NYC (or wherever he cooks, again, the wine). My heart is aglow with the knowledge that the douchiness factor will be greatly reduced next week.

Next Week - the dreaded pastry! Going to the improv. Ted Allen's back and taling about sausage! that's what she said...

Gah! Agh! WTF?

OK, I have to go to yoga in, like, 3 minutes, but I can't let this go. I was really trying, but it's pissing me off too much.

Rachael Ray, no matter how hard you try, the term "stoup*" is NEVER, EVER going to catch on. No matter how may times you say "clam bake stoup" on your show, Martha isn't going to start saying it on her show, my boy Bobby isn't going to put a "fish stoup" on his brunch menu next to the HOT BROWN!!, and no one will ever think it's cute. No one. Not a single life form on the planet. Ever. So why, why, oh why, are you trying to start it up again, albeit in a slightly altered form?

Apparently she's working on a new term, "choup." Allegedly it's a chowder + a soup. WTF? Isn't a chowder a kind of soup? Maybe someone in New England can correct me, if s/he's done crying into his/her chowder over the NY/NE debacle on Sunday.

*Soup + Stew = Stoup

Side note: come to think of it, I myself made a pot of soup for dinner (and some future lunches), Kale and Garbanzo Bean with Bacon. Maybe I'll post the recipe under the label "stoup." That way when RayRay Googles the term (and you know she does every morning, just to see if it's caught on, yet) she'll find my recipe and make it on her show, calling it her own. Then, I can get some of her Dunkin' Donuts money, quit my stupid job, and open my own soup restaurant. No soup for you, RayRay!