In Which I Honor the Protein: Top Chef Season 5 - Episode 8

Alright, I had high hopes for this episode based on the previews...what's not to like? Hung returns? Awesome. Jamie and Jeff turning their noses up at processed foods? Brilliantly snotty. The chefs going to a farm (which I correctly assumed was Blue Hill Stone Barns, also know as the place where I would like to live and work)? Fantastic. The possibility of the chefs having to slaughter their own protein for dinner? And the killing being shown on cable? Even more awesome.* Jamie and Stefan calling each other douchebags? A level of awesomeness not attained on "Top Chef" since the smackdown of Marcel in the restaurant supply store during Season 2.

But, honestly, I was a little disappointed with the results of the challenges. I mean, overall, I think the concept of the each challenge was good (well, to be fair, one was INFINITELY better than the other), but the chefs and judges kind of let me down.

The SPAM/Turkey SPAM-sponsored Quickfire Challenge:

OK, they HAD to have a challenge where the chefs could only use crap, right? I mean, they always have those challenges, the vending machine challenge, the Swanson broth challenge...but, I found it quite interesting that the only thing they actually showed the brand name of were the GE ovens. The whole show is one big commercial food f***, why stop with this challenge? Maybe the companies weren't too keen on their products being referred to as crap? It's kind of funny how the sponsorships work, right? I mean, just last week they were extolling the virtues of diet Dr. Pepper, now they won't show the label on a can of Goya beans? Regardless, Jamie and Jeff's expressions were hilarious when the ingredients were finally revealed...it almost made the conspicuous lack of product placement worth it.

I think Jeff did the best job - his food was visually appealing and apparently tasted good. I was kind of mad Hung didn't pick him for the win, but I guess Stefan's tasted better. As for Jamie, WTF was she thinking? Radhika, too. What the hell guys? I know it's canned stuff, but there's no excuse for acting the way they did about it. I know all restaurants have cans of stuff around. And, chefs cook all night in their restaurants, I'm sure every single one of them has some frozen food, cans of black beans, and a few boxes of mac and cheese lying around for a quick meal when they get home. I was actually a little offended by the chefs saying, "Oh, this is fine for the home cook" or a "housewife." The hell? I think Ariane even said in her exit interview that Gene made SPAM at the apartment when he was on the show for a quick meal. To be fair, most chefs would probably only use a few canned or processed ingredients and liven them up with good, fresh stuff, but, come on guys. It's a challenge you know you were going to have, suck it up and plan for it.

The beautiful, completely product placement-free, Elimination Challenge:
How amazing was that farm? Really? I would give a lot to be able to go up there at the end of the summer, just grab whatever I could and spend the day cooking. I wanted to frolic naked through that tomato patch with a salt shaker, bottle of olive oil, and about 10 baguettes. Preferably with Fabio and Jeff there, too:

What an amazing opportunity for the chefs, and they all seemed to appreciate it, especially after the craptastic Quickfire. I imagine it was tough for them to adjust their menus based on what was available, but, when all the produce looks like that, I guess it's not such a bad thing.

Team Pig - I had high hopes for this team. I've made my love of Jeff pretty clear, as well as my love of pork, so they were my favorite going in. Radhika pissed me off with her snail-paced corn grilling (she didn't even look like she cared), but Fabio making pasta kind of made up for it. I'm a little upset they didn't do better in the end. I feel like the pork loin and ravioli were probably pretty good, it's just that judges expected things to be a little more simple and pig-flavored. Those fried green tomatoes looked fantastic, though, as did the side salad that apparently took three hours to make.


Team Chicken - Poor Carla. Seriously, she didn't deserve to be in the middle of that crap. Whatever weird, faux-sexual-tension thing is going on with Stefan and the person he thinks Jamie is is really disturbing. But, those bitches pulled it out though. I absolutely think roasted chicken is the best way to showcase a fantastic piece of poultry and Jamie's paillard was perfect for the season. And, for a second, can we talk about how awesome Carla's tart looked?

Look at it. Yum-dash-O! She really should have gotten the win all to herself, if only for putting up with the other two jackasses.

Team Lamb - What. The. Hell? Hosea and Leah's relationship is gross. I'm sorry. Don't they both had significant others? Can't you keep it in your pants for three weeks? I'm no fan of Ariane (in fact, I predicted she would go out the way that she did, just on the wrong week), but at least she stepped up and tried to do something, her team just totally bailed on her and, if I may employ the most over-used "Top Chef" expression ever, threw her under the bus. Leah, you're an idiot. Own up to the crappy job you did and admit that you did nothing. Hosea, admit that you're a cheater and a passive f***. Ariane, learn how to butcher and prepare lamb. I think Ariane A right choice to send home, let me explain. The point of the challenge was to "honor the protein," which she, and she alone, did not. Nor did she ask her team for help when she realized she was in way over her head. That said, Leah should have been sent home, too, for admitting that she knew how to butcher and tie lamb, but left Ariane to flounder, which she did basically nothing. That's unacceptable in any job, right? You help people who need help, bottom line. Plus she's just annoying and will clearly not win, so she might as well go home, right?

Next week: Restaurant Wars! Which is actually my most hated of all the "Top Chef" challenges, but more on that next week. Also, Radhika has a nervous breakdown.

P.S. WTF was Betty doing in that commercial/product placement crap with Stephanie? Poor Stephanie...I bet she tried to return her win after realizing she'd have to be in the same room as that crazy ho.

P.P.S. Stefan whispering "cock" was the best moment (hands down) of the season so far.

*Note: I love animals, I'm not all about hurting things unnecessarily or anything, I just think it's important that people realize their meat doesn't come from a Styrofoam container in the back of the grocery store.

I Like Waking Up to the Smell of Bacon. Sue Me.

This might be the greatest thing ever. It's too bad Michael Scott didn't have this, he could have avoided the painful and crippling burning of his foot. Although, that would have prevented the brilliance that is "The Injury" from ever occurring, so, I think it was worth it.

All that aside, I'm totally ordering one.

The Daily Show Taping and Too Much Meat

VIP! VIP! VIP! Was our chant as we walked the streets of Manhattan, way the F over to the West Side to the studio where they film "The Daily Show." Since we had gone to the show before and been rejected, the show was nice enough to offer VIP tickets for all members of the party for a subsequent show...unfortunately, due to ticket demand and the fact that the show didn't film for the past two weeks, we were unable to get tickets until July 17. Henceforth known as the hottest day ever to be wandering around NYC (HDEtbWAN). Ever.

Luckily, since we were VIP! VIP! VIPs! We got to wait in a special line (in the shade) and got brought inside the building, into the holding cell, much earlier than the rest of the people waiting for the show. I think we got in line around 4:00pm and were let in probably 15 minutes after that - mostly because they wanted to get everyone inside, due to the fact that it was the HDEtbWAN and they didn't want people getting heat stroke while waiting outside. No rejections for us!

Here's a shot of the sign above the door to go into the studio:

Once we got through the metal detectors and security personnel who questioned us at length about the dangerous contents of our bags (pepper spray, knives, sharp implements?), we got to hang out in the holding cell. And see this delightful poster, hanging from the wall:

Is it Ed's bicycle? Maybe he parked it there one day, after his ride to the studio from Brooklyn and they left it, kind of as a bootleg reminder of the greatest Daily Show correspondent ever (behind Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell, to be fair). Anyway, I was way too excited about seeing a poster of Ed, and even more excited when the security people moved the ropes that were keeping me away from Ed, so I could get right up next to him! Sidebar: There will be no pictures of me with Ed or anyone else, for that matter, because, since it was the HDEtbWAN we were all quite shiny. I don't think any pictures of us even came out...the reflection of the flash off of all of our shiny, pasty-white skin was more than my camera could adjust for.

We were let into the actual studio early, as the people in charge of making sure the audience members don't pass out from heat exhaustion had to get the other people inside, as well. Unfortunately, you're not allowed to take pictures inside the studio, so I don't have any. I figured it wasn't worth being thrown out onto the streets on the HDEtbWAN without even having seen the show. Once everyone was inside, the warm-up comedian guy came out to chat with us. And I do mean chat. He basically talked to random members of the audience, then either insulted them or told them way too much information about himself. He was pretty funny, though, and we learned the word "pre-tarded" from another audience member, as a result of his ramblings, which kind of made the comedian worthwhile.

Next, Jon came out to answer a few pre-show questions! He is quite small, I'm not going to lie, but very, very adorable and, of course, hysterically funny and SMART! Here are some of the questions he got asked and his responses:
Best books he's read recently - he mentioned Fareed Zakaria's recent book, "The Post-American World" as a good one, but he said he can't really read any books, other than ones for the show, because they have so many authors as guests, and he always has to read thinking, "what interesting questions can I ask this asshole?" Ha!

On the weirdest thing anyone's ever asked him - if he reads fan fiction about himself. To which he responded that he didn't know what that was, and, once it was explained to him, he was like, WTF is wrong with you people?

Boxers, briefs, or neither? - He then amended his answer to the previous question with THIS one being the strangest one he's received. Then said, "you'd be amazed how often that comes up." He then answered the question by saying he's actually duct taped in - no underwear. Ha, again!

On having the teleprompter actually say, "Welcome to 'The Daily Show!' My name is Jon Stewart" - he said it's a superstition, kind of, since they started the first show with those two phrases, they've begun every show the same way. It is kind of funny, though, that he needs to be reminded of his own name. I wonder if anyone has ever put someone else's name up there, and if Jon has read it? If you saw the show on Thursday night, that's why he stopped right after saying, "My name is..." which we in the audience, clearly, thought was hysterical.

The show taping actually went by pretty quickly, the Lou Dobbs-o-meter and the McCain-NAACP debacle were awesome:

Although, during the first break, we could see Jon get really angry about the people who play the clips cutting off the important words, "Martin Luther" before one of the clips, since it didn't really make any sense, just hearing the word "King." He did look pretty upset about it, but I didn't think you could tell during the actual airing - and they clearly edited the show so it would make sense, so, really, no big deal, Jon - you're awesome! The "Cougars" piece was OK, I loved how uncomfortable Jon got when that lady was petting him and the end where Kristen said she thought Jon was 70 and slept in a beef dehydrator was really funny. The Maggie Gyllenhaal interview was good (on Jon's end), but I wasn't such a fan of hers. maybe she was just really tired from all the promotion for "Batman," but she came across as, how shall I put this, not so bright? I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt here, I can't imagine it's that much fun to do nothing but talk about one movie for months on end. She is incredibly skinny, too, which I don't think you can see on TV...like in a "I may be able to snap her in half like a twig, even though I can't even lift a 5-lb weight" kind of way. Jon talking about watching Batman with his son made the interview, though.

Once the show was done, Jon thanked us all for coming and sent us back out into the HDEtbWAN - which had turned into the evening at this point. Our next stop was Daisy May's, a BBQ place just down 11th Ave.

The Menu:

The Accolades:

I got the pulled pork sandwich, with delcious scoop of coleslaw on top, a side of creamed spinach and a sweet tea:

I like how they have to put a sticker on top that says "pork." My favorite kind of sticker EVER.
Here's the sandwich unwrapped:

Yes, that's some coleslaw trying to escape from the inside of the sandwich.
Creamed Spinach:

Sweet Tea:

Pulled Pork platter with cornbread and sweet potatoes (I didn't eat this, too, don't worry):


OK, seriously guys, this was SOOOOOOO good. I should not have gotten the creamed spinach, though, as I didn't have enough room in my stomach for that AND my delicious sandwich. In retrospect, I should have just gotten the pulled pork platter and skipped the delicious, carb-y bread, as that clearly took up too much space. The sweet tea was really good (very sweet) and had the added visual bonus of being served in a giant Mason jar. I highly recommend hitting up Daisy May's when you're in Manhattan. Seriously. You know what? Just go there now. It's Saturday afternoon, what else are you doing today? I'd go back right now, if I wasn't still full from excessive meat consumption.

After Daisy May's we decided to head back to Valhalla, which you may remember as the place we all got drunken when we were rejected from "The Daily Show" the first time.



I chose a cider:

while my companions chose some fancy beers:

This one, we made look like a jack-o-lantern:

The only issue here, was that we were all so full from the food, that drinking beer and cider made us all a little ill. I could barely take a sip of my second cider, while the other people with me fared only slightly better. Thus, we didn't stay at Valhalla too long, just enough to watch some of the Mets game and make fun of some DBs sitting near us. DC, however, had an epiphany of great brilliance while we were sitting there - next time we go to a taping we're totally getting take-out from Daisy May's and bringing it TO Valhalla to eat while drinking. Strong work, DC, strong work! Your brilliance is unparalleled.

And thus ended our trip to see "The Daily Show" as VIP! VIP! VIPs! on the HDEtbWAN. We all went home, immediately showered, and then ceremoniously burned the clothes we had worn into Manhattan.

Top Chef Season 4 - Episode 13: Puerto Rico

I think my thoughts on this episode can be nicely summed up in this text I got from BW last night, "OH MY GOD! I HATE HER! WHAT A BITCH!" Seriously.

So, after a six month break, the final four arrive in Puerto Rico, having used the time off to travel (Stephanie), open a restaurant (Antonia), and do some other stuff the producers saw fit not to tell us about (Richard and Lisa). I assume they all brushed up on their knowledge of Puerto Rican and Caribbean cuisine, too.

For the Quickfire, the contestants have to make two fritters, each using plantains (the quintessential Puerto Rican ingredient, according to guest chef, Wilo Benet - who I thought was Tommy C. for a second). Stephanie wins the Quickfire for her inventive, yet classic fried treats. Richard torches his eyebrows on the ghetto range. Lisa forces Padma to chug her beer after serving a super-spicy tostone. The contestants all rock the jazz hands when time runs out on the challenge. Overall, not very exciting. Call me if someone sets Lisa on fire using the ghetto range.

Once the Quickfire is over, Wilo invites them to a local party, complete with rum and a pig on a spit (foreshadowing anyone?). The party looks like good times, I would have been all over that pig with a bottle of rum in my hand. delicious. The finalists have fun, but are somewhat restrained, as they are, understandably, all worried about the last challenge, set for the next day. Padma and Wilo dancing made the episode for me, though. That was too cute. I kind of wish Tom had been there to dance, as well. That would have been worth the price of watching "Top Chef" season 2.

The Elimination Challenge is to make two dishes using whatever cuts of meat the contestants want from their own, personal, whole pig (eek) and whatever ingredients their sous chefs can find at the local market. Sous chefs, you ask? Oh yeah, bitches, they brought back our old friends, Dale, Nikki, Spike, and Andrew to help. Stephanie, as the winner of the Quickfire, got to assign the sous chefs to the actual chefs - nice. She takes Dale, and gives Nikki to Antonia, Spike to Richard, and, dum dum dum...Andrew to Lisa (some of you may remember Lisa throwing Andrew under the bus during the 'Serve and Protect' challenge). Good times.

The chefs get 30 minutes to plan their menu with their sous chefs, then the sous chefs head off to the market (which was absolutely gorgeous, BTW) while the finalists butcher their pigs. Which was interesting, to say the least. Apparently Lisa has no respect for any animal, as she appeared to be beating the pig with whatever implements were available in the kitchen. Then, the finalists and sous chefs had two hours to prep and another 5 hours the next day to set up for the party at which they would be serving their food. A party for the governor. Fancy.

After the two hour prep, everyone frantically shoves their food into the minimal space they were provided and goes back to their hotel. But not before the cameras get the Doomsday shot - some of Stephanie's pork belly left out on the counter. By Dale. And his jaunty hat. Shades of Sam leaving behind Marcel's fish in the final challenge of Season 2...

The next day, Dale beats himself up for possibly sending Stephanie home. The two of them brainstorm a third dish they can make using what they have and settle on crispy pork skin with a fresh salsa-relish. Yummy! Richard torches some pigs feet (in the style of his eyebrows the day before), and Antonia sucks at making rice. WTF is up with no one being able to make rice this season? Nikki interviews that she thinks Antonia is "off" today (foreshadowing, anyone?). Once time's up, they head down to the beautiful lawn of the Governor's Mansion and set up their stations to serve food to the guests and judges. The judges go to each finalists table and try all three dishes, without really giving any indication of how they feel about the food. Padma does, however, express her love to ancient Greece by wearing lovely blue toga. The editors then splice in four different guests talking about the food, each one singing the praises of a different finalist. Of course. At this point, I had no idea who was going home. I know who I wanted to go home, though.

Judges' Table -
Richard and Stephanie (yay!) are selected as the top two. They loved how Richard restrained himself and served good, simple food. Stephanie's there because she served three great dishes and they all loved her crispy pork skin dish (way to go, Dale!). Richard wins the challenge for being better overall and, in the ultimate product placement, wins a new Toyota Corolla. WTF?

So, that leaves us with Antonia and Lisa as the bottom two. Antonia sucks because she undercooked her beans and because she inexplicably dumped all three of her dishes onto one plate, so they all blended together into one, unappetizing pile of brown and gray. Lisa's in the bottom two because her dishes just weren't that good and because no one was crowding around her table during service. Ultimately, they send Antonia home. WTF? Antonia shakes everyone's hand, except for Gail, who she seemingly disses and heads out, but not before telling Stephanie to kick everyone's ass in the final.

So, overall, good challenges, but confusing outcome. I don't know if it was shody editing or what, but it seemed like Antonia's food tasted good, it just looked poor and those F-ing beans were undercooked. All of Lisa's food, on the other hand, seemed to not taste good at all. So, why Antonia was sent home is unclear to me. If her food tasted worse than Lisa's - fair, but it seemed, to me, based on what I saw, that this wasn't the case. Whatever. She'll bring a pissy attitude to the final challenge, one sorely lacking in Richard and Stephanie, so her presence will be much appreciated. By some. Not by me. Honestly, there's no way Lisa will win and there was no way Antonia was going to win, either, so I'm not to upset overall. I am upset about Lisa's attitude, however. I get the need to be tough in a kitchen, but everyone there is supporting you, you can act a little nicer.

Notable moments:
Dale (about the black plantains) - "They look rotten. They. Look. Rotten."
Richard (about Lisa) - "You won the fucking bronze medal. Congratulations. There you go.”
Iko (about Tom C.) - Tom C. needs to wear an undershirt. I don't care how hot it is in PR. That's a necessity. Always.

We SAW America and So Can You! Subtitle: ZOMG! Stephen

The Colbert Report Taping
We took the subway up to Columbus Circle, as it was a nice day outside, and we could walk over to the studio from there. After a quick stop off at a deli to grab some beverages, we were on our way! I saw this at the deli, and, clearly, how could I not take a picture?

My only fear is that each one is made of actual ground-up Hello Kitties.

We arrived at the studio at about 4:00pm and got on line. There weren't too many people there, so I was able to kind of relax about not being able to get inside to watch the show.

Before we had gotten in line, we saw a woman walking her turtle (yes, that's real) outside of the studio, so I left the line to get a picture. Plus, I got a bonus picture of puppies trying to attack/run away from the turtle.


Around 5:00pm, a guy came out to let us know we'd be going in soon and that we weren't allowed to bring any weapons, like knives and guns, into the studio. He even said, "if you have any of these on your person, we will place them in a bag with your license, and return them to you after the show." So, remember, if you want to carry multiple concealed weapons, you can bring the to "The Colbert Report" and they'll hold them for you, no questions asked.

We were finally herded inside, into the "holding tank" as I affectionately call it. We were there for a long time, longer than (I think) we were supposed to be. We had wo separate people talk to us about making sure that we cheered really loudly and laughed more loudly than any person should ever laugh in a normal (or even abnormal) setting. They did a few trivia questions to hand out T-shirts and the second guy was really nice about answering a ton of questions about the show and Stephen. Finally, around 7:30 we were let into the theater.

The set was awesome! It's exactly like it looks on TV, everyone was telling me that it's ridiculously small and not what looks like on TV at all, but it's actually entirely the same. I guess they make it look bigger on TV, but it really was just like I thought it would be. The Stage Manager came out to talk to us and (again) told us to laugh more loudly than anyone ever in the history of live television. Then he explained the process of the show, when we should cheer and when we should shut the eff up (almost never) and brought out the warm-up guy. He was kind of funny, mostly made fun of people in the audience for looking rich and being from CT. He did bond with some of his fellow bald men, which was slightly amusing. He was just going through the standard spiel of cheering loudly, when he asked if they were going to do a toss. As soon as he asked, Stephen came running out to the desk! We all went nuts! Then he told us to be quiet so he could do the toss. Jon and Stephen bantered a bit before they actually filmed it (about American Idol), during which Stephen "scolded" at Jon for giving him a "note" on his performance! Once the Toss was filmed, Stephen went to the back again. The warm up guy did some more stuff and told us to go crazy for the entire show. He told us Stephen would come out and answer some questions in a moment - and then he appeared (again)!!!

He answered the questions out of character, which was really cool. I don't remember all of them, but one woman asked what three items he would bring to a desert island, to which he replied, "A boat, a satellite phone, and a backup boat." Someone else asked him about the segment on "The Daily Show" where he got Steve Carell drunk and made fun of him. Stephen said that was entirely real, Steve Carell really was drunk, and that, initially, they were both supposed to get drunk and act like douchebags, but Stephen was like, "hells no!" He wanted to get Steve drunk and just make fun of him - I think it turned out much better. See for yourself:

Also, Stephen said Steve really did throw up in his car (which was actually his wife's car - yeah, she wasn't happy). Someone else asked him about how his wife reacted when Jane Fonda made out with him during her interview, he said he went home with flowers and his wife immediately asked, "What did you do?" When he started his reply with, "Well, Jane Fonda..." his wife apparently instantly responded, "I don't want them!" Poor Stephen.

After the questions, Stephen went to his desk and was shooting wrist strong bracelets into the crowd, unfortunately we were way in the back corner, so there was no way we would have been able to get one. I also tried to awkwardly wave at Stephen, but he didn't see me. So sad. But, I was laughing hysterically at the tape outline of where Stephen fell when he broke his wrist, so it was OK.

Next, it was time to tape the show! It was taped in real time, no breaks, except where the commercials were, during which people touched up Stephen's face, used the lint roller to remove pieces of fuzz from his arms, and Stephen generally rocked out to the music playing during the breaks. He was really adorable, singing along, playing air guitar, serenading his staff. The first Act was fun, the "ThreatDown" was especially awesome. I love it anytime Stephen says "bees" or "bears," plus, the kiddie pool paella bit had me rolling.

During the "Difference Makers" segment, Stephen watched the monitors intently, even cracking up at how ridiculous the people were. I lost it when the guy opend up the BumBot and said it had an old chicken smoker in it. Wow. What is wrong with the South?


The Maria Shriver interview was funny, Stephen was kind of looking at her like, "Bitch is crazy" for most of the interview, but they didn't really show that in the aired show. The whole audience was so upset when she told him his show would end eventually - we all just started booing like crazy! I will also say that Maria Shriver looks like every inch of her body was surgically reconstructed. She was super, super skinny and her skin was pulled so tightly across her face, is was a little scary. Actually, when we were first waiting outside of the theater, an ambulance was parked outside, and I was instantly concerned that something had happened to Stephen. Then, my boyfriend assured me it was just Maria Shriver's skeleton being delivered, along with a team of specialized surgeons, employed solely to stretch skin over her bones and reanimate her.

Once the show was taped, Stephen remained on stage for a bit and we all clapped like crazy, while he entertained up with random antics, like jumping off the small raised platform his desk is on. Once he was done, he explained that he had "went long (TWSS) with Maria Shriver, so he had to get us to clap and cheer longer, in case they needed something to fill the space when they were editing that segment. Then he thanked us for coming and said he and his crew were exhausted after taping in Philly all last week, but he really appreciated doing the show in front of his "home" audience. He did actually sound really tired, which is really a testament to his acting, because I couldn't tell from watching the taping or from watching the show last night, that he was feeling under the weather at all. He really get into character and just rolls with it for the whole show, no matter what. Stephen, if you ever read this, I hope you have a great, relaxing weekend this weekend, to recover from your jaunt to Philly.

As we were leaving the theater, we saw Stephen backstage, and my reaction, I'm embarrassed to say, was to point and jump up and down like an idiot, then quickly sprint away before he could see me acting like an idiot. I'm sure some of the people he was talking with saw me, though, so I'm sure they got a good laugh about the degenerate girl who points at, then runs away from Stephen. God, I'm so lame. If I was more bold, I would have asked to take a picture with him, but I always feel so badly harassing people like that, especially since he was so tired after Philly.

Dinner at Otto
It was after 8:00pm when we finally left the theater, so we had to sprint down to Otto for dinner. We ended up taking a cab, with an angry driver who looked like the love child of Dee Snyder and Lief Erikson. For real. Luckily, we made it on time and were seated really quickly. I have already talked (at length) about Otto before, so I'll just post a few pictures.






After dinner, we headed back home, just in time to catch the end of "The Colbert Report" and the Yankees game (stupid White Sox). All in all, an awesome day. I don't think anything could have made it better, unless Stephen had come with us, to dinner at Otto. Even then, I would have been too nervous and scared to talk to him, so I would have drank too much wine and probably thrown up on him. Maybe next time.

So, I'll leave you with this - our Report giveaway:

Yes, those totally are USA socks. And, yes, I'm wearing mine right now.

Stephen Colbert and Otto Part II

Tomorrow is a banner day at Abs. I'm going to see Stephen Colbert tape his show, then head out to Otto for the second pork and gelato fest in the past month and a half! The only downside is missing "30 Rock" and "The Office," as well at the return of "Ugly Betty," but I think I'll live. Just need to check the TiVo before we leave to make sure that mofo will record everything.

So, keep an eye out for a story about a crazed fan at "The Colbert Report" taping who ran at Stephen during the middle of his show, holding up a bag of Spicy Sweet Doritos in one hand and a miniature American flag in the other and tried to make out with him. Also, save your money tonight, I'll need it for bail on Friday morning.

I Am Dehydrated - and So Can You: The Story of "Clinical Depression" and Otto

The lab in which I work, used to contain 3 graduate students and 1 lab researcher. Now it only has one grad student and one lab researcher (both would be me). The saddest part is that one of the grad. students left to go to TX to do her post-doc, never to be seen or heard from again (I know I'll see you again, LB, I was using a fancy, literary technique known as hyperbole). But, she did leave us with her awesome sister, JB, here on the East Coast, and it was JB who got a bunch of us together to go see her friends' one man show, "Clinical Depression," last Saturday. Her friend, Drew Wininger, was performing as part of a comedy festival (?) thingy...I'm not sure...at any rate, BMG, DC*, KN, and I all trekked into Manhattan to meet up with JB and see the show during the afternoon, on what was probably the most disgusting day of the year so far. Tons and tons of rain, with me wearing inappropriate shoes to be walking through 2 inches of rain in NYC.

Anyway, we made it to the show in mostly one piece (I think I lost some of my jeans in a puddle when I stepped on the back of them, since they were dragging on the ground through the filth and water) and found a bunch of seats in the back. The show was great! Very funny, a little bit poignant, and a nice, sweet ending (if you count a picture of Drew giving depression the finger as a sweet way to end the show, which, for some reason I do). But, I'm not a critic of any kind, so I won't even pretend to review the show...just know it was good. We all went to a bar, Phebe's, down the street from the theater once the show was done, as that's where Drew was planning on heading after he finally got to leave the theater. We had some drinks (and only a little bit of food, we were headed to Otto afterwards), and I was especially excited to learn they had Magners cider:

(that's BMG's hand in the background...drinking his beer)

A bit later, Drew came in and eventually made his way over to us. He was awesome, so nice and really appreciative of us coming to see his show...and, yes, he is the exact copy of JB, just in male form. He couldn't talk to us for too long, as he had to talk to the "other people" in the bar, who, I guess, were more important than we were, but it was cool, we had to head out to Otto anyway.

Now, I knew on a Saturday night, Otto would be ridiculous...too busy to even be worth waiting for a table, especially for the six of us (KN's friend AW was meeting us at the restaurant), so I figured the timing would work out well, the show was done by 3:30, then a quick stop off at Phebe's, then head over to Otto around 5:30, before the crowd really showed up. When we got there, it was pretty busy, but we were able to get a table, after a bit of drama involving the number of people at our table (long story, not worth the blog space) and the super-pissy hostess. While we waited for AW to arrive, we stood around one of their tall tables in the bar area, which were, unfortunately for DC, a bit too tall, as in almost as tall as her, she's 5'). We were just going to wait, but then decided to order some wine, too, but, if you've ever seen the wine list at Otto, you know it's a bear...so, we asked our friendly waiter for help. He brought us a delicious wine and, more importantly, didn't make fun of us (me) for having no clue about Italian wines. Plus, he smelled very good, as BMG pointed out.

Once AW arrived, we were off to our table. Now, we were pretty hungry and Otto has a simple menu, packed with delicious items, all of which I wanted to try. We settled on a few starters; some cheeses, olives, and (of course) prosciutto. DC made me take a picture of the cheese list in honor of Man-Dean, because it listed a cheese called, Grand Old Man." Man-Dean really is a grand, old man...


The cheeses we chose were, Parmesan, Taleggio, and Fontina, and they came with some fantastic accompaniments, truffled honey, some brandy soaked cherries, (BMG ate them all - without cheese, of course, he doesn't like cheese unless it's melted on top of something), and some kind of orange-type-thing in some kind of sauce, yeah, I know guys, awesome description. Whatever, I didn't try that one...I'm sure it was good, though.

Look! You can see the orange-type-thing in the corner! Oh.....the delicious fermented lactose!

Three kinds of olives arrived next, oh man, those bitches were good! So salty and delicious! They were placed between JB and me, so I think we ate most of them.

The smallest ones were the best, JB agreed, but the green ones had been cured with some lemon peel (you can see it in the picture, kind of), which gave them a nice, bright acid to balance the oiliness and richness of the olive. So good.

Since we were at one of Mario Batali's restaurants, it only seemed right that we order some charcuterie, as well, being that he has meat-curing in his blood (that's NOT what she said). Now, in case you haven't noticed, I love salted, cured meats...probably too much. I'll have a heart attack by 30 because I love them so much. And, this prosciutto was ENTIRELY worth that future heart attack. So smooth and fatty and not too salty and pig-y!

It was rivaled only by the Jamon Iberico in it's deliciousness.

Next came the pizzas! I had the Prosciutto Arugula:

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Iko, did you REALLY need more salted pig flesh?" The answer is a resounding "Hells, yes, MOFO!!!" Oh my God, this pizza was so good, guys. Salty meat and cheese, bitter and spicy arugula, nice thin crispy-burnt crust...I wanted to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

DC had the special pizza - sausage and peppers, which was also tremendous - we traded a few pieces back and forth.


JB had the pizza Romana, with anchovies, capers, and chilis, which looked delicious. See Exhibit A below:


AW got a pasta and KN got some kind of pizza, I don't remember which one, but they both looked good. BMG got a pizza with no cheese, which the waiter chose to mangrily remind him had no cheese when he ordered it. Although, later it will be funny that the waiter was so pissy at BMG. I didn't take any pictures of their food items, as I was too busy devouring mine (and a piece of DC's).

The Aftermath:

Empty plates, empty water glasses, empty wine bottles...

When we had finished gorging, it was time for dessert. Now, most people who know me, know I really am not so into dessert. I pick salty over sweet anytime, so, for me, a nice cheese plate is really all I need, if anything at all, after a meal. Or, maybe an espresso. But, since we were at Otto, well known for delicious gelato, I figured I might as well give in. I'd eaten so much already, what's some more dairy, loaded on top of other dairy, loaded on top of some meat going to do to me? Well, you shall see. Looking over the gelato list, two flavors (well actually all of the flavors, but these two in particular) caught my eye - salted caramel and olive oil. I knew before we arrived at the restaurant I was going to get the olive oil gelato, but, behold! Salted Caramel?! Yeah, I had to try that mofo. Luckily, Otto has this thing where you can order one, two, or three flavors of gelato all in the same cup, brilliant! I guess I should have gotten the trifect and included the fennel gelato, but hindsight is 20/20.

(look at the drippy goodness)
Wow, let me tell you. Both were awesome. Like, serious deliciousness bouncing around my tastebuds. But, I really had to struggle to finish it...which I did...but I was not happy afterward. Well, I was happy, but I felt slightly ill.

DC got some kind of gelato thing that you poured espresso over - wow, did that look good! BMG got assorted chocolate flavors, with the extra shot of chocolate sauce to dump over it. Unfortunately, halfway through the gelato he found not one, but two hairs...and, suddenly the super-pissy waiter was really, really nice...bet he was mad he made the comment about the cheese earlier. But, to BMG's good fortune, he brought out a whole new dish of gelato and a whole new chocolate shot to drown it in. Since BMG apparently has infinite supplies of insulin, he was able to down the second helping with no problem. He even (literally) did the shot of the leftover chocolate sauce.

Once dessert was over, it was time to leave. I was completely dehydrated from all the salt (and wine) - it's funny that I didn't realize until an hour after we left the reason WHY I was so dehydrated - olives (salt), cheese (salt), prosciutto (twice = two salts), and the gelato (salted caramel = salty). We had overstayed our welcome at that point anyway, the waitstaff was probably hating on us in the back, all like, "those bitches better leave soon, we need to turn that table." The place was so crowded as we made our way to the exit...I almost had to punch some bitches in their faces because they wouldn't move to let us through. Also, people dress like idiots in Manhattan. I'm all for trendy sh** sometimes, but come on. It's Otto, not Butter. You're not going out to dance with Justin Timberlake or exchange fashion tips with Rachel Zoe. Otto is casual, you're eating pizza for God's sake. That pissy hostess was probably even more pissy. I managed to take a picture outside to prove we were there:


So ended our adventure, with Iko waddling back/being rolled by her friends to the subway and PATH. Here's the PATH station (just in case you cared to see mass transportation in action):

I was trying to be fancy and changed the settings on my camera...somehow it made it green-ish, but I like it. So there.

Once we got back to Jersey City, I made DC reenact her struggle against her bootleg umbrella. I didn't take the pictures when it actually happened since we were in the middle (unfortunately for her, especially) of a torrential downpour. It wasn't raining during the reenactment (and my photoshopping skills are too poor to draw in an artistic rendering of raindrops), but it was windy as heck, making the pictures more believable:

That wind - yeah, it's real.



Overall, good times. The show was great, Drew was awesome and incredibly gracious, Otto was delicious, and I ended the night completely dehydrated. All the makings of a fantastic evening. Strong work, JB!

*DC is sometimes known as Man-Dawn

DC - Day 1 (Subtitle: We are Jamon Iberico - and so can you)

Day One (Friday):
So, we picked a bad day to drive down to DC from Jersey...there was about 5 inches of snow on the car to scrape off, but, once we made it to the major roads, everything was good. One quick stop to pick up Man-Dawn and we were off, into the snow, and ice, and sleet. Unfortunately, we were unable to use the car with the navigation system, so we were forced to resort to the archaic Google Maps, but that mofo got us to the condo. It did not, however, tell us on which concrete slab to park, or, how to drive up the 60 degree incline necessary to park on the correct one. Finally, through some amazing parallel parking maneuvers by BMG, we had arrived!


It was time to find food and Stephen!

To the Dupont Circle Metro!


Unfortunately, being that we're all from Jersey, and accustomed to the delightful NYC MetroCard, the FareCard machine confused us greatly...why does it automatically put $20 on the card? Do we want a single ride or multi-trip? Why is there so much writing and why are there so many buttons? Why is the maximum change $5.00? Finally, three college graduates with 3/4 of two Master's were able to make sense of the Devil Machine and purchase out cards. (Side bar: WTF is up with having to put the card through the turnstile twice? Shouldn't you just have to put it INTO the thing once? DC, your metro is fairly clean, but those FareCards will end me).

(Devil Machine)

A short trip from Dupont Circle to Gallery Place and we had arrived! From the stop, we could see the Portrait Gallery, but mini burgers were calling us, having eaten only a bag of Trader Joe's Everything Pretzels during the ride down. Thus, we were off to Matchbox, just a few blocks from the Metro.

Matchbox was good, although I think we should have stayed away from the "Matchbox Meat," you'll see why in a bit. Having studied the menu extensively before our trip and having decided to go there solely based on it's proximity to Stephen, I had already decided what we should order - the 3.6.9 burgers* and a pizza. And some wine/beer. The Malbec was delicious, BMG seemed to enjoy his beer, and then came the burgers:

Yes, that's an actual mountain-sized pile of fried onions balanced precariously atop the miniburgers.


(Buttery goodness)
Yes, that's a buttered roll - buttered inside and out. Fat on top of beef, topped with fried onions...Paula Deen would be proud.
Next came the pizza named the Matchbox Meat:

(so much meat....TWSS)
Pepperoni, sausage, and bacon on a pizza - Meaterrific! Also, a lunch/dinner entirely filled with fat and grease, resulting in a lack of appetite for Jaleo (for some). More on that in a bit. That being said, we did a fair amount of damage...but those fried onions...

(Damn you totally ridiculous amount of onions!!! Why does your amount never decrease, no matter how many of you I eat?)

Once we paid and wandered out into the mist (yes, there was a mist covering everything)...finally! it was time to see Stephen! Upon entering the National Portrait Gallery, a kindly man at the Information Desk asked us if we need anything, to which I replied, "A map." The gentleman then replied, "Certainly, is there anything in particular you wanted to see?" And I, like the lame-ass that I am (perhaps helped by the wine), replied, "Is it alright if I say, 'Stephen Colbert's portrait?'" Thankfully, the nice man just smiled and explained where it was and how to get there in great detail. I mostly expected him to call security to see us out. Just across the courtyard (no time to walk on the water now), up a flight of stairs, and to the left...I could see a sign for the bathroom...could it be? Had I really arrived? As I peeked around the corner of the restroom sign...THERE IT WAS! Hanging above two water fountains, in between the Mens and Womens rooms:

(So beautiful)
I think a yelp of excitement left my mouth. Here we are frolicking below the portrait:

If I had known about this site, I would have jumped in front of it...

Next, we went to see the other portraits and art in the gallery:

GWHB


Paul Robeson - Rutgers in the house!


This was kind of funny...and appropriate.


Mmmmmm...art of bacon

We had clearly had our fill of culture at this point, so we headed back to the condo to meet up with NC for dinner. We had some time to kill, so we watched a brilliant piece of cinematography, "Tommy Boy." Whatever, guys, it IS a good movie. I had actually forgotten how funny that movie was - partially because the only time I ever watch it is on TV on a Saturday when they edit the crap out of it. How is the part when they run out of the car yelling "Beeeeees!!!" not funny? Anyway, our dear friend, Man-Dean** met up with us at the condo before dinner and we all headed out to Jaleo for some delicious wine and tapas.

Now, being that I'm kind of an idiot, I have one picture inside of Jaleo, no, not the food, that would have been good, iko. Well, you ask me, "is it a picture of you all at the table?" No, that would have been awesome, though! It is, in fact, a picture of the giant gold post we had to stand next to while waiting for our table:

(Aah, beautiful pole, how I miss you)
Actually, I was too engrossed with the wine and food and forgot to take any pictures of the food - which was, to be fair, the main reason for bringing my camera to the restaurant, so that worked out nicely. Although, I have yet to figure out how to use my new camera to take indoor pictures, so they probably would have been pretty bootleg-looking (more on that in soon-to-be-posted "DC - Day 2 (Subtitle: We are hungover and so can you)").

But, here is the list of tapas we had and a star scale of deliciousness, in the style of the Michelin Guide, with three stars being the highest rating anything can achieve. Ever. (1 star = delicious, 2 stars = more delicious, 3 stars = the most delicious thing I have ever placed atop my tongue)

Coles de Bruselas - A warm salad of Brussels sprouts, apples, apricots, grapes and Serrano ham (***)

Ensaladilla rusa - A classic Spanish salad of potatoes, imported conserved tuna and mayonnaise (**)

Tortilla de patatas - Spanish omelet with potatoes and onions(*)

Gambas al aijillo - The very, very famous tapa of shrimp sautéed with garlic and guindilla pepper (**)

Garbanzos con espinacas - A Moorish stew of chickpeas and spinach (***)


Costillas de buey guisadas en vino tinto - Beef short ribs braised in red wine served with a potato purée (***)


Chorizo casero tradicional - Homemade traditional chorizo on a purée of garlic potatoes (**)

Also, some kind of seared salmon with roe, it's not on the online menu, so I can't write the actual name here, since I don't speak Spanish. Plus, I don't remember what was in it, I think apples, but it tasted vaguely like gorgonzola. And, quite frankly, wasn't that good, (1/2*)

BUT, the best thing we had - the cured meat platter, including, JAMON IBERICO. (drool) It's like prosciutto, but better. The pigs frolic about the countryside, then are fattened up with acorns, then (through magic) made into a delicious, salty, thin slice of heaven. I wish I had a picture of it. Also included in the delicious meat tasting - chorizo, soppresatta, and something else I don't remember, maybe Serrano ham(?). (******************)

We also has an assortment of red wine (mostly rioja, from what I can remember), none of which I wrote down (I am truly the greatest dinner recapper ever). For dessert we ordered a chocolate hazelnut cake, which the waitress forgot about, but promptly brought us once we reminded her and brought out an extra dessert, a fruit soup with (I think) yogurt ice cream - I really need to not drink so much wine when I need to remember what I ate. Overall, a fair amount of food for us to eat, keeping in mind three of us were still full of grease, beef, and the Matchbox Meat, and one of us (BMG), didn't eat any of the tapas, but imbibed a strong amount of wine.

Thus ended our jaunt to Jaleo and we cabbed it back to the condo to continue the fun times. Since we left the restaurant at 12 am, that was technically the end of Day 1. And since this is the longest post ever, I'll end Day 1 here and pick the degeneracy up at the start of Day 2. To be posted once I actually get some work done...


*3.6.9 because you can order 3, 6 or 9 of them. Also, they're very small. And delicious.
** Yes, THAT Man-Dean. The elusive creature who once lived in NJ, then moved to VA and fell off the face of the earth. The same Man-Dean who saw Pangea split into the continents and the vary same who would impart his vast wisdom upon us at Ye Olde Environmental Science lab.