Dear Rachael,
Stop referring to your microwave "the mike." I am a grown woman, who inexplicably watches your show, even though I can come up with 30-minute meals on my own. I don't want to hear any cutesy expressions or Ray-tarted abbreviations. It doesn't make your show any more fun, it clearly doesn't make you speak any less, and it indicates to me that you think I'm an idiot. Of course, I may actually be an idiot, as I continue to watch both "30-Minute Meal" episodes, every weekday, at 6 and 6:30, despite the rage that rises up within me during that hour.
Your reluctant and inexplicably faithful viewer,
Iko
P.S. Stop smoking. Seriously. You sound like someone's great-grandmother who smoked for 70 years, lives in Boca, and yells Girl Scouts to get off her lawn from her lanai. Otherwise known as my future. Minus the smoking. And the great-grandchildren. And the living in Boca. Basically, I'll just yell at children to get off my lawn.
P.P.S. Stop telling that *&^^%% story about you burning the #$@@*** bread. One of your 15 off-camera assistants will make sure it doesn't.
Showing posts with label Rachael Ray. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rachael Ray. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Kale and Garbanzo Bean STOUP
I was looking through the various posts I have saved in my blogger account, searching for something, I don't know what. Maybe my lost dignity, maybe any semblance of intelligence on my part, maybe it was just to see what kinds of idiocy I've written about since the beginning of this year. At any rate, I came across this post, in which I skewer RayRay for her stupid "stoup" and say that I will post a blog with the "word" "stoup" in the title so I can sue her for plagiarism and live off the subsequent (and copious amount of) monies I am sure to receive. So, here's the recipe for STOUP. It's good to make a lot of it, freeze the extra, then bring it to work for lunch. Even when it's warm outside - workplaces always crank the AC in the summer anyway.
Ingredients:
olive oil
4 strips bacon or pancetta, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
1 large onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
2 bunches of kale, chopped (I think the soup I made actually had 1 bunch of kale and 1 bunch of dandelion greens)
2 cans chickpeas, drained and rinsed, or you can cook them from dried beans, again, I'm lazy and pressed for time. Plus, I really like sodium.
1 quart chicken broth/stock
water
salt and pepper
Procedure:
1. Pour about a teaspoon of olive oil into the bottom of a blue, Le Creuset 4 1/2 quart round oven and heat over medium heat.
2. Add the bacon pieces and render the fat until the pieces are a little crispy at the edges, maybe 5 or 7 minutes.
3. Remove the bacon with a slotted spoon and pour off some of the bacon fat, leaving about a tablespoon or so.
4. Add the onion and sweat until translucent, but not browned, about 7 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute more.
5. Add the chopped kale (and dandelion greens) in batches and saute until slightly wilted. Add the next batch of greens on top of the wilted greens until they've all been added and wilted down slightly.
6. Add the chicken broth/stock and add the chickpeas.
7. Add some water, if necessary, to bring the STOUP to the consistency you desire. Keep in mind, some of the liquid will cook away and that it's very easy to add a little water or stock as needed, don't add too much or you'll be trying to boil that mofo down for hours.
8. Simmer the STOUP for about 20 minutes, so the flavors can blend and the kale can cook down.
9. Add the bacon back to the soup and season with salt and pepper.
10. Serve with a few toasted pieces of baguette, perhaps drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with some freshly grated Parmesan cheese.
11. Enjoy your delicious STOUP and revel in the fact that you're NOT RayRay.
Ingredients:
olive oil
4 strips bacon or pancetta, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
1 large onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, finely minced
2 bunches of kale, chopped (I think the soup I made actually had 1 bunch of kale and 1 bunch of dandelion greens)
2 cans chickpeas, drained and rinsed, or you can cook them from dried beans, again, I'm lazy and pressed for time. Plus, I really like sodium.
1 quart chicken broth/stock
water
salt and pepper
Procedure:
1. Pour about a teaspoon of olive oil into the bottom of a blue, Le Creuset 4 1/2 quart round oven and heat over medium heat.
2. Add the bacon pieces and render the fat until the pieces are a little crispy at the edges, maybe 5 or 7 minutes.
3. Remove the bacon with a slotted spoon and pour off some of the bacon fat, leaving about a tablespoon or so.
4. Add the onion and sweat until translucent, but not browned, about 7 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute more.
5. Add the chopped kale (and dandelion greens) in batches and saute until slightly wilted. Add the next batch of greens on top of the wilted greens until they've all been added and wilted down slightly.
6. Add the chicken broth/stock and add the chickpeas.
7. Add some water, if necessary, to bring the STOUP to the consistency you desire. Keep in mind, some of the liquid will cook away and that it's very easy to add a little water or stock as needed, don't add too much or you'll be trying to boil that mofo down for hours.
8. Simmer the STOUP for about 20 minutes, so the flavors can blend and the kale can cook down.
9. Add the bacon back to the soup and season with salt and pepper.
10. Serve with a few toasted pieces of baguette, perhaps drizzled with olive oil and sprinkled with some freshly grated Parmesan cheese.
11. Enjoy your delicious STOUP and revel in the fact that you're NOT RayRay.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Sometimes I'm Lazy and Just Post Old Blogs
(This is an old blog, but thought it was appropriate in light of the "Baby Jesus" blog earlier).
So, since my yoga class with "Misty" is finished for the semester, I finally get to sit on my couch and watch "30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray" on Monday evenings. Oh how I've missed you RayRay. There are so many things wrong with you, you're almost right. Almost...but not quite. For example, her hair looks awesome, and, in a rare moment of clarity from her stylist, her shirt actually isn't ill-fitting - it doesn't cause her rack to sag inappropriately under her armpits or cling haphazardly to her protruding, seemingly bloated stomach. It's even a very nice shade of purple on her, not her usual garish orange paired with an equally hideous (read: GIANT) belt buckle. Plus, she's making some delicious sounding rigatoni with three kinds of mushrooms, which, provided she doesn't add copious amounts of heavy cream (or half and half, whatever you put in your coffee in the morning), excessive amounts of butter and Parmesan, and uses a whole wheat pasta, it may actually fit into the alleged "healthy" meal she claims to make at the beginning of her program. Yum-O! Although, the picture on Food Network's site isn't really that appetizing...
However, she supposedly makes 30 minute meals, which, as the name suggests, will be quick and EASY to make. Now, she's using three types of mushrooms, not complex in and of itself, however, she apparently wants to cook each one in a different way: portabella - grilled, shiitake - sauteed, and dried porcini - boiled (which I have my issue with, they should clearly be soaked and then sauteed, but whatever...it's Ray Ray). What person, let alone a busy, harried parent, guardian, child, man-child, man-woman-child, man-ho, Iko, etc. in their RIGHT mind wants to bust out a grill pan (or, god forbid) the actual grill, solely to cook four portabella mushroom caps? And waste a saute pan for the shiitakes? And boil the pasta and porcini in separate pots? And probably saute up some bitter greens (with a hint of nutmeg, to make them go, "Hmmmmm, what IS that?") in yet another skillet. Seriously, the show should be called "30 Minute Meals with a Three Hour Clean-up." Not to mention the myriad of utensils she uses to mix, grate, stir, saute, whisk, chop, and dice. And the good, old GB (that's Garbage Bowl).
Is she high? Who does that?
On a separate note, I don't know who told all the peeps at Food Network that it's ok to NOT wash mushrooms....seriously. All anyone does is wipe them off with a towel. They're grown in manure, people, MANURE!! Do you know what MAN-ure is? (Yes I realize I'm going on a rant much like George Costanza on Seinfeld about manure, but I feel like I have an educational purpose here). Seriously, can you say "E. Coli O157:H7" Rachael? Can you? Say it slut! DE-Lish!
On a slightly related side-note, she just informed the viewers that her Grandpa Emmanuel used to forage for mushrooms in the forest. That explains a lot about her and her cracked-out-on-hallucinogenic-mushrooms family. It's all so clear. Aah, Rachael, how I've missed you. I promise to never take a class between 6 and 7 pm on a weekday ever again.
(ETA: Ok, the second show is better than the first. It's more old-school, circa 2003, but she called her meal "healthful." Guess what she's making as a side for this "healthful" meal?
Wait for it...
wait for it...
And the prize goes to... ONION RINGS!
Healthful, indeed. But since she's serving it with turkey burgers with turkey bacon on them, it must be healthy. Yum-O! Sodium!)
So, since my yoga class with "Misty" is finished for the semester, I finally get to sit on my couch and watch "30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray" on Monday evenings. Oh how I've missed you RayRay. There are so many things wrong with you, you're almost right. Almost...but not quite. For example, her hair looks awesome, and, in a rare moment of clarity from her stylist, her shirt actually isn't ill-fitting - it doesn't cause her rack to sag inappropriately under her armpits or cling haphazardly to her protruding, seemingly bloated stomach. It's even a very nice shade of purple on her, not her usual garish orange paired with an equally hideous (read: GIANT) belt buckle. Plus, she's making some delicious sounding rigatoni with three kinds of mushrooms, which, provided she doesn't add copious amounts of heavy cream (or half and half, whatever you put in your coffee in the morning), excessive amounts of butter and Parmesan, and uses a whole wheat pasta, it may actually fit into the alleged "healthy" meal she claims to make at the beginning of her program. Yum-O! Although, the picture on Food Network's site isn't really that appetizing...
However, she supposedly makes 30 minute meals, which, as the name suggests, will be quick and EASY to make. Now, she's using three types of mushrooms, not complex in and of itself, however, she apparently wants to cook each one in a different way: portabella - grilled, shiitake - sauteed, and dried porcini - boiled (which I have my issue with, they should clearly be soaked and then sauteed, but whatever...it's Ray Ray). What person, let alone a busy, harried parent, guardian, child, man-child, man-woman-child, man-ho, Iko, etc. in their RIGHT mind wants to bust out a grill pan (or, god forbid) the actual grill, solely to cook four portabella mushroom caps? And waste a saute pan for the shiitakes? And boil the pasta and porcini in separate pots? And probably saute up some bitter greens (with a hint of nutmeg, to make them go, "Hmmmmm, what IS that?") in yet another skillet. Seriously, the show should be called "30 Minute Meals with a Three Hour Clean-up." Not to mention the myriad of utensils she uses to mix, grate, stir, saute, whisk, chop, and dice. And the good, old GB (that's Garbage Bowl).
Is she high? Who does that?
On a separate note, I don't know who told all the peeps at Food Network that it's ok to NOT wash mushrooms....seriously. All anyone does is wipe them off with a towel. They're grown in manure, people, MANURE!! Do you know what MAN-ure is? (Yes I realize I'm going on a rant much like George Costanza on Seinfeld about manure, but I feel like I have an educational purpose here). Seriously, can you say "E. Coli O157:H7" Rachael? Can you? Say it slut! DE-Lish!
On a slightly related side-note, she just informed the viewers that her Grandpa Emmanuel used to forage for mushrooms in the forest. That explains a lot about her and her cracked-out-on-hallucinogenic-mushrooms family. It's all so clear. Aah, Rachael, how I've missed you. I promise to never take a class between 6 and 7 pm on a weekday ever again.
(ETA: Ok, the second show is better than the first. It's more old-school, circa 2003, but she called her meal "healthful." Guess what she's making as a side for this "healthful" meal?
Wait for it...
wait for it...
And the prize goes to... ONION RINGS!
Healthful, indeed. But since she's serving it with turkey burgers with turkey bacon on them, it must be healthy. Yum-O! Sodium!)
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Oh, the baby Jesus is crying
Why in the EFF is Rachael Ray cutting up beautiful whole, meaty, pieces of beef tenderloin to make "Beef Tenderloin Bites on Arugula?" WTF is wrong with her? Has she never heard of tenderloin tips? Or, better yet, has she never heard of searing a whole beef medallion? Why would she not do that? It doesn't take more than 30 minutes to sear a piece of beef tenderloin and dump it on some arugula. Come on, ho, sear the whole piece of meat.
Oh my God!! If possible (oh, and I think it is), she made it worse. She's rolled them in store bought bread crumbs and BROILING them!!!! Does she have no sense of flavor or texture? Does she want them to be little pieces of crispy shoe leather? I submit visual evidence from Food Network's website:
How is that remotely appetizing? Even the arty close up shot couldn't save it...I think this may be worse than the Kwanzaa Kake (aka "Kake of Racial Insensitivity") Sandy Lee debacle of 2003:
Yes, those absolutely are CORN NUTS on the KAKE.
Update: Here's the video. This is real. And totally on TV.
Rachael, stop smoking crack, man up, and make the whole tenderloin. To quote Man-Dawn, "Oh, the baby Jesus is crying."
ETA: You know what, I'm sorry, I believe it was "Kake of Kultural Insensitivity." That makes more sense. Try to put as may K's into things to help remind us of "Kurtain Kraft."*
*This link is especially funny if you scroll down to the bottom, where Amazon lists the "Suggested Tags from Similar Products."
Oh my God!! If possible (oh, and I think it is), she made it worse. She's rolled them in store bought bread crumbs and BROILING them!!!! Does she have no sense of flavor or texture? Does she want them to be little pieces of crispy shoe leather? I submit visual evidence from Food Network's website:
How is that remotely appetizing? Even the arty close up shot couldn't save it...I think this may be worse than the Kwanzaa Kake (aka "Kake of Racial Insensitivity") Sandy Lee debacle of 2003:
Yes, those absolutely are CORN NUTS on the KAKE.
Update: Here's the video. This is real. And totally on TV.
Rachael, stop smoking crack, man up, and make the whole tenderloin. To quote Man-Dawn, "Oh, the baby Jesus is crying."
ETA: You know what, I'm sorry, I believe it was "Kake of Kultural Insensitivity." That makes more sense. Try to put as may K's into things to help remind us of "Kurtain Kraft."*
*This link is especially funny if you scroll down to the bottom, where Amazon lists the "Suggested Tags from Similar Products."
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I'm Sorry, but WTF?!
Yeah, you know, I look like garbage most days: roll out of bed, brush teeth, wash face, sunscreen, maybe brush hair, add sweatshirt and jeans - roll out the door (with large ass coffee in hand). If I have the extra minute, maybe a brush of mascara. So, clearly, I'm not one to judge the appearance of others. But, really, RayRay? I mean, this is trying:
The neckline. The shiny legs. The awkward grimace/grin.
At least she's there to encourage people to donate to and help food banks. That's all I've got.
The neckline. The shiny legs. The awkward grimace/grin.
At least she's there to encourage people to donate to and help food banks. That's all I've got.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Gah! Agh! WTF?
OK, I have to go to yoga in, like, 3 minutes, but I can't let this go. I was really trying, but it's pissing me off too much.
Rachael Ray, no matter how hard you try, the term "stoup*" is NEVER, EVER going to catch on. No matter how may times you say "clam bake stoup" on your show, Martha isn't going to start saying it on her show, my boy Bobby isn't going to put a "fish stoup" on his brunch menu next to the HOT BROWN!!, and no one will ever think it's cute. No one. Not a single life form on the planet. Ever. So why, why, oh why, are you trying to start it up again, albeit in a slightly altered form?
Apparently she's working on a new term, "choup." Allegedly it's a chowder + a soup. WTF? Isn't a chowder a kind of soup? Maybe someone in New England can correct me, if s/he's done crying into his/her chowder over the NY/NE debacle on Sunday.
*Soup + Stew = Stoup
Side note: come to think of it, I myself made a pot of soup for dinner (and some future lunches), Kale and Garbanzo Bean with Bacon. Maybe I'll post the recipe under the label "stoup." That way when RayRay Googles the term (and you know she does every morning, just to see if it's caught on, yet) she'll find my recipe and make it on her show, calling it her own. Then, I can get some of her Dunkin' Donuts money, quit my stupid job, and open my own soup restaurant. No soup for you, RayRay!
Rachael Ray, no matter how hard you try, the term "stoup*" is NEVER, EVER going to catch on. No matter how may times you say "clam bake stoup" on your show, Martha isn't going to start saying it on her show, my boy Bobby isn't going to put a "fish stoup" on his brunch menu next to the HOT BROWN!!, and no one will ever think it's cute. No one. Not a single life form on the planet. Ever. So why, why, oh why, are you trying to start it up again, albeit in a slightly altered form?
Apparently she's working on a new term, "choup." Allegedly it's a chowder + a soup. WTF? Isn't a chowder a kind of soup? Maybe someone in New England can correct me, if s/he's done crying into his/her chowder over the NY/NE debacle on Sunday.
*Soup + Stew = Stoup
Side note: come to think of it, I myself made a pot of soup for dinner (and some future lunches), Kale and Garbanzo Bean with Bacon. Maybe I'll post the recipe under the label "stoup." That way when RayRay Googles the term (and you know she does every morning, just to see if it's caught on, yet) she'll find my recipe and make it on her show, calling it her own. Then, I can get some of her Dunkin' Donuts money, quit my stupid job, and open my own soup restaurant. No soup for you, RayRay!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Happy Birthday, Ed!!!
Happy Birthday to Ed Helms!
In honor of this momentous event, I will have an Ed-themed TablesKape (an EdsKape?) and Italian food, because, while he is not Italian (as far as I know...I don't stalk him THAT much), he likes the food:
(Yes, it's a Rachael Ray Mag article...don't judge me)
On the menu:
Eggplant Parmigiana
Broccoli rabe sauteed with garlic and olive oil
Garlic Bread
Italian wine
Arnold Palmers
Cap'n Crunch
And I, to you, in addition...some Ed-related stuff:
Why can't I faint around Ed?
Gravitas
In honor of this momentous event, I will have an Ed-themed TablesKape (an EdsKape?) and Italian food, because, while he is not Italian (as far as I know...I don't stalk him THAT much), he likes the food:
(Yes, it's a Rachael Ray Mag article...don't judge me)
On the menu:
Eggplant Parmigiana
Broccoli rabe sauteed with garlic and olive oil
Garlic Bread
Italian wine
Arnold Palmers
Cap'n Crunch
And I, to you, in addition...some Ed-related stuff:
Why can't I faint around Ed?
Gravitas
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Yum-O/Lame-O
From New York Magazine via Jezebel:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! I love this! That screechy ho hates D & D! Maybe now we won't be subjected to her lame -dash-O commercials featuring "cutesy" catch phrases and ill-fitting shirts. Perhaps I will no longer be forced to avoid eye contact with her giant, orange, pumpkin head, leering down on me from the giant poster on the wall (actually, I just realized her head is probably life-sized in those posters, even though they're all like 6' x 4') encouraging me to buy a "gingeriffic" latte. On the other hand, maybe she'll start shilling for Starbucks, now.
There HAS to be somewhere else I can buy coffee...
This just in from the set of Rachael Ray's latest Dunkin Donuts commercial, according to a New York Magazine tipster: "She took one sip of her Dunkin' Donuts coffee, yelled "What is this shit? Get me MY coffee," and would not continue until she was given "her" coffee -- i.e., Starbucks."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! I love this! That screechy ho hates D & D! Maybe now we won't be subjected to her lame -dash-O commercials featuring "cutesy" catch phrases and ill-fitting shirts. Perhaps I will no longer be forced to avoid eye contact with her giant, orange, pumpkin head, leering down on me from the giant poster on the wall (actually, I just realized her head is probably life-sized in those posters, even though they're all like 6' x 4') encouraging me to buy a "gingeriffic" latte. On the other hand, maybe she'll start shilling for Starbucks, now.
There HAS to be somewhere else I can buy coffee...
Monday, January 7, 2008
Am I an Idiot? - Now updated!!!
Current mood: enraged
It is "Belgian Waffle," correct? I think our-lord-of-garlic Emeril just called them "Belgium" waffles.Also, in addition, Rachael made some kind of "lasagna," actually pasta, sauce, and cheese mixed together her stupid, giant, useless, oval pan, then baked in the oven. Isn't that Baked Ziti? Or at least a Baked Pasta, is she didn't use ziti?
Why does Food Network think we're all idiots?
EDITED to add:
Here's a quote from a NYT article from Jan. 2 about the Skinny Bitch Cookbook:
Kimberly Latham, a fashion publicist in New York, said: "I would never have read 'The Omnivore's Dilemma.' I'm not even sure I know what an omnivore is. But I know what a skinny bitch is, and I know I want to be one."
Apparently we are all idiots. This makes me sad.
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