Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sometimes I'm Lazy and Just Post Old Blogs

(This is an old blog, but thought it was appropriate in light of the "Baby Jesus" blog earlier).

So, since my yoga class with "Misty" is finished for the semester, I finally get to sit on my couch and watch "30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray" on Monday evenings. Oh how I've missed you RayRay. There are so many things wrong with you, you're almost right. Almost...but not quite. For example, her hair looks awesome, and, in a rare moment of clarity from her stylist, her shirt actually isn't ill-fitting - it doesn't cause her rack to sag inappropriately under her armpits or cling haphazardly to her protruding, seemingly bloated stomach. It's even a very nice shade of purple on her, not her usual garish orange paired with an equally hideous (read: GIANT) belt buckle. Plus, she's making some delicious sounding rigatoni with three kinds of mushrooms, which, provided she doesn't add copious amounts of heavy cream (or half and half, whatever you put in your coffee in the morning), excessive amounts of butter and Parmesan, and uses a whole wheat pasta, it may actually fit into the alleged "healthy" meal she claims to make at the beginning of her program. Yum-O! Although, the picture on Food Network's site isn't really that appetizing...

However, she supposedly makes 30 minute meals, which, as the name suggests, will be quick and EASY to make. Now, she's using three types of mushrooms, not complex in and of itself, however, she apparently wants to cook each one in a different way: portabella - grilled, shiitake - sauteed, and dried porcini - boiled (which I have my issue with, they should clearly be soaked and then sauteed, but's Ray Ray). What person, let alone a busy, harried parent, guardian, child, man-child, man-woman-child, man-ho, Iko, etc. in their RIGHT mind wants to bust out a grill pan (or, god forbid) the actual grill, solely to cook four portabella mushroom caps? And waste a saute pan for the shiitakes? And boil the pasta and porcini in separate pots? And probably saute up some bitter greens (with a hint of nutmeg, to make them go, "Hmmmmm, what IS that?") in yet another skillet. Seriously, the show should be called "30 Minute Meals with a Three Hour Clean-up." Not to mention the myriad of utensils she uses to mix, grate, stir, saute, whisk, chop, and dice. And the good, old GB (that's Garbage Bowl).

Is she high? Who does that?

On a separate note, I don't know who told all the peeps at Food Network that it's ok to NOT wash mushrooms....seriously. All anyone does is wipe them off with a towel. They're grown in manure, people, MANURE!! Do you know what MAN-ure is? (Yes I realize I'm going on a rant much like George Costanza on Seinfeld about manure, but I feel like I have an educational purpose here). Seriously, can you say "E. Coli O157:H7" Rachael? Can you? Say it slut! DE-Lish!

On a slightly related side-note, she just informed the viewers that her Grandpa Emmanuel used to forage for mushrooms in the forest. That explains a lot about her and her cracked-out-on-hallucinogenic-mushrooms family. It's all so clear. Aah, Rachael, how I've missed you. I promise to never take a class between 6 and 7 pm on a weekday ever again.

(ETA: Ok, the second show is better than the first. It's more old-school, circa 2003, but she called her meal "healthful." Guess what she's making as a side for this "healthful" meal?

Wait for it...

wait for it...

And the prize goes to... ONION RINGS!

Healthful, indeed. But since she's serving it with turkey burgers with turkey bacon on them, it must be healthy. Yum-O! Sodium!)

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