Chef Fangirl Alert!

Eric Ripert is with Anthony Bourdain on "No Reservations" at L2O right now!! I want to go to there!


You can now return to your regularly scheduled TV watching.

Thursday's TV - Delightful

Well, it's that time again...Thursday shows to watch, and, shockingly, there are a bunch of them!

My Boys - TBS at 9:30 pm. Tonight's episode is entitled "Opportunity Knocks," and apparently there's finally some fallout from Andy acting like a DB. Also, P.J. dates Bobby's brother...interesting. I don't know about this show. it was really good and cute and funny last year, this year, yeah...not so much. I think it's been getting better slowly over the past two episodes, hopefully tonight that trend will continue. You can watch a preview of the episode here.

Burn Notice - USA Network at 10 pm. Hells yeah! The third episode of the season is tonight, and this show, unlike some others, started off awesome and continues to be made of awesome. Tonight's episode is called "Trust Me" and in it Michael uses himself as bait for a con artist. I hope he's shirtless bait. Or at least wearing a wife beater at some point. Seriously, how can you not think this is awesome:

and, now imagine it without the shirt and jacket...I'll wait. Yeah, that was worth it, right? (Sorry any non-gay men-folk who may be reading right now).

The Daily Show and The Colbert Report - 11:00 and 11:30 pm on Comedy Central. Well, I'm not going to lie. I'm still pretty upset that I missed Ed Helms' triumphant return to TDS to talk about his boner and Obama (O-Boner) and pretty much anytime I've watched the show this week, I've been disappointed by the lack of Ed. Sometimes watching Ed's old correspondent pieces on comedycentral.com helps me through my pain, sometimes it just makes it worse...but a girl can dream, can't she? Maybe he'll show up tonight? If I wish hard enough, will it happen (TWSS)? Irregardless, I know Stephen will do his best to fill the empty void in my heart, with his adorable giggling and ridiculous antics. Check out the break down after he says "lamb cartilage." Delicious.

Seriously, he's been laughing all week, hasn't he? He's the cutest. Anyway, tonight, TCR's guest is Garrett Reisman, the astronaut who you may remember from this fantastic interview Stephen did with him back in May (see video below), so you know Stephen will be uber-excited and giddy.


Also, I'll be watching some TiVoed shows, if I have the time, which I should, as there's no Yankees baseball on to interrupt my usual TV watching schedule. These shows include the episode of Law and Order: CI, in which Stephen Colbert guest starred, which I recorded on Tuesday night and Monday's episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, in which he travels to Saudi Arabia to travel with the person who won the fan contest. I'm very interested to see Saudi Arabia through the eyes of someone who lives there, as opposed to what we get on TV from the news (or other sources), so I'm hoping they did it justice. I'm sure they did. Tony wouldn't slack off...well...

What Iko's Watching Tonight

You know what? Even being a random night in the middle of the dearth of TV known as "summer," there's some good stuff on tonight. So, what am I watching? Read on to find out...

1. Home Run Derby - yeah, OK, I know...not very interesting to you non-baseball fans, but I'm going to watch it, so sorry. I'm excited to watch Dan Uggla and Josh Hamilton smash balls over the right-field wall at Yankee Stadium. I'm excited to watch it BE at Yankee Stadium, in it's last season as the home of the Yankees, because, let's face it, we're probably not going to see any non-regular season baseball there, based on tear the Rays are on (well, maybe not the last few games, but I think they'll get pretty far this season). Even if you don't like baseball, maybe turn the derby on at the end, just to see who wins...come on, you know you want to...

2. "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations" - He's in Colombia tonight, which should be pretty interesting. I basically know Colombia as a place where there are lots of drugs and guns (maybe I've watched too many drug trafficking-related movies), so I'm interested to see the food and country beyond that. Also, last week's season premiere episode in Laos was amazing, so I'm currently having high hopes for this season of the show. Tony was wonderful in Laos, I had completely forgotten how eloquent and truly thoughtful he can be when he's not being the snarky, jackass we've all grown to know and love. Which is not to say the snark isn't welcome and sometimes even warranted, but the episode just didn't lend itself to that kind of commentary. He was actually mostly silent, an outside observer, just trying to give us in the U.S. a picture of a country that had been destroyed by war (and still is), yet full of people who have respect for their traditions and are completely untouched by Western society, even if that is certain to change in the near future. The country of Laos is absolutely gorgeous, how badly did you want to stay in that inn Tony's guide owned, to wake up in the morning and have a breakfast of ant egg omelet outside, next to a fire, surrounded by mist? Beautiful. If you haven't seen the episode, I highly recommend it.

3. "The Daily Show" and "The Colbert Report" - finally! After the longest two week break EVER, our boys are back! I'm especially excited this week, as I am going to see "The Daily Show" taping on Thursday evening as a VIP, VIP, VIP, due to my unceremonious rejection last time I tried to see the show.

So much has happened during their break, I don't know how they'll cover it all - come on, Jesse Jackson? That's a whole show for each of them in and of itself! I'm hoping for a rant about FISA from Jon and some kind of "Threatdown" from Stephen about the Treasury Dept. I just wish they'd post this week's guest on TDS website, so I know who I can look forward to seeing on Thursday. Sidebar: does anyone know of a good restaurant in the Midtown West/Hell's Kitchen area? I have a few ideas, but could really use some suggestions.

4. Who am I kidding? I'll probably watch the TiVoed Ed Helms interview from Friday a few (10) times, too. How can you not? He's adorable. After a few (10) re-watches this weekend, I've come to the conclusion that my favorite part is right after he busts out the Tom Brokaw impression while singing "Candle in the Wind," because it's actually Ed singing, just for a few seconds, then he goes back to the Elton John impression. His voice is amazing, especially at that exact moment. Besides, how can you NOT love the giant, pink, feathered cape? The only way the song would have been better (and I use the term "better" very loosely, as, clearly, it was amazing), is if Ed had ended the song with an Andrew Bernard-style, "Nailed it!"

Programming Reminder

I would have let you all know this earlier, but I just found out now. New season of "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations" starts tonight! 10 pm on Travel Channel!

Tonight: Laos

It's Baby Vomit with Wood Chips: Top Chef Season 4 - Episode 11

OK, so, I watched the episode yesterday, after about 4 glasses of wine and too much food, so I'm not really sure I can contribute anything of relevance to the "Top Chef" blog this morning. Most of the episode is a haze, but I'll do my best. And, just so you know, I'm extremely pissed about Dale. Like beyond words. I almost don't even want to watch anymore.

1. The Quickfire was actually pretty cool, making eggs is tough, especially quickly with 4,000 people yelling orders at you from various directions. I think Antonia and Dale were the best, as the owner determined (BTW, how pissy-looking was she? Seriously, she gave bitch-face Lisa a run for her money), but I feel like she picked Antonia because she's a girl. So, that's probably not so right.

2. The "Sniff and Sneer" with Anthony Bourdain (!!!) was made of awesome. I think Tom should give the sneer to Tony every episode, from now on, including future seasons. How can Tom ever sneer better than AB? He invented the sneer. And, of course, Tony's commentary was delightfully snarky and on point. When he imitated Lisa's bitchy, crossed-arm stance, I lost it. Brilliant. My love for Anthony Bourdain cannot properly be summed up in words, and, even if I tried, it would probably crash Blogger, as it would be the lengthiest blog in the history of blogs, so I'll stop gushing now.

3. BS. That's all I have to say about Judge's Table. Well, one other thing: How in the EFF did Lisa not get sent home? She couldn't make rice properly in not one, but two challenges. In a ROW. How do you even contemplate entering "Top Chef" if you lack the basic cooking skills to make rice? And you call yourself an Asian-foods chef? It's like when Tre got sent home last season - complete BULL. Let's keep the people who suck and eliminate the people who can actually cook, so Richard has no competition at the end and the judges have no choice but to select him, because, let's face it, there's no way Lisa or Spike is taking Richard down.

There's nothing left for me to do but root for Stephanie. At least she's good and not a cocky, douchebag or a bitchy, semi-cook that skates by while screwing other people over or being unable to cook rice properly. I'm going to try to watch the episode again and bring some more legitimate thoughts to the table at some point, but, honestly, knowing the outcome, I might just take the loss here and move on. Dale, I heart you. Keep cooking your bitchy, moody little heart out. I'll stalk you next time I'm in Chi-town.

Top Chef Season 4 - "Anything you can cook, I can cook better"

Well, it's that time again, Project Runway has ended, which can only mean one thing - Top Chef is back! I love Top Chef (shocker, TV + Cooking = Iko's kryptonite), I think Season 1 was, by far, the best, come on, Harold? Awse. I still have to hit up Perilla to actually try his food, but he was so cute, so pissy, so focused only on the cooking, what's not to love? Season 2 was a waste. Season 3 was back to goodness again (Dale!! Hung the douche-hat!! Tre - the hot one who got sent home too early) ...so, what does Season 4 have in store for us?

A fancy (slightly) new opening in which Padma seems less high than usual. I also had a little shiver of rage when I saw Ilan happily winning his title in the opening montage...grrr...

I like how none of the chefs looked surprised when Padma and TommyC (looking a little bit pissy, if I do say so myself) rolled into the pizzeria to bring them to the Quickfire...they learned quickly from some other seasons, didn't they? I also loved the gratuitous Toyota (plug #1) logo shot (the first of many to come this season), along with the subsequent reference directly to the "Toyota Highlander."* My only issue is the couple thing. I mean, I get that the Bravo producers wanted some "added drama," but come on. There wasn't one other chef who tried out who was better than one of the two in the couple? Plus, the giant, "drama"-filled announcement about it was way too much. I don't know how it should have been handled, but they acted like it was the biggest deal in the world. I mean, I can see an issue if they're the two final chefs or something, oh, wait, who am I kidding, no woman will ever win Top Chef...even a lesbian women. I guess we don't have anything to worry about.

Quickfire:
First, their new kitchen looks awesome. Plus, it's filled with spices from Whole Foods (plug #2).
Overall, I think the Quickfire was a good challenge, simple, to the point, and actually having something to do with the city they're using as the backdrop. Some interesting dishes came out, too, my favorite (clearly without tasting them) had to be the peach and taleggio. Seriously. Drool. I like how Rocco was all like, "I thought this bitch was crazy with the peaches and the sweet tea...but after I tried it I came around." Whatever douche bonnet. I can't believe he and Anthony Bourdain were in the same room together during the final judging without one of them being killed (that would be Rocco), but more on that later. I also loved how they had to transport their pizzas in the insulated pizza delivery boxes to their own house...they couldn't have Rocco come on down to the kitchens? And, WTF??! The "Glad Family of Products" couldn't take this moment to unveil their new line of, "Glad, Disposable Pizza Transportation Devices" (plug #3)??

Some stream of consciousness about the Quickfire challenge (from my notes last night):

MMMM....pizza. I'd make thin-crust, mofo.

Dale - Who likes hot sauce on their pizza? I was rooting for you until you said that...Buddakan (plus one). Hot sauce (minus 10). But, he is talking smack about other people's pizzas...maybe he's regaining my favor...also, talking smack about all the other fu**ers! Heart!**

Rocco DiSpirito - that douche-hat! HAHAHAHAHAAA! I like how they all have to call him a "star in the culinary world." That's kind of depressing. I bet all 15 chefs cook better than he does.

I'm kind of getting a seizure from all the quick shots of the food, people, and Padma's oddly-grinning face...her eyes look glazed over. I think she and Rocco smoked a fat one before the chefs came over. That explains the gorging on 15 pieces of pizza. How do they decide which chef's Quickfire critique to show and which one's not to show? And, really?! They don't pick a Quickfire winner?!

Their house is awesome. Now that the cooking has stopped, the drinking starts. As all good seasons of Top Chef begin...


Elimination Challenge:
Yeah, I'm not going to lie, this part confused me. Why would you allow the losers to pick the dishes to cook against the winners? If anything, it should be the other way around, give the winners the last pick (the food) and the losers the first pick (who to cook against). The way they did it, it seems like there was no advantage to winning. The show is about cooking, right? So, shouldn't the winners get to choose what they cook? This way, there's basically no advantage to winning. You should lose. That's what they're going to teach the chefs? Really Bravo producers? Losing is good?

And, REALLY, why did they even put souffle up on the list? There are TONS of other classic dishes. Coq au Vin. Chicken Chausseur. Mac and Cheese. Chicken Parmesan...I could go on and on. I mean, I get Tommy C's point about knowing how to cook the classic dishes if you want to be a (top) chef and I, certainly, think it's an important skill to have, but it seemed a little unfair to only give two people one of the hardest things to cook, period. Way to inject useless drama and make the chefs look dumb right off the bat, Bravo. Basically, I think if you're going to do a challenge on basic cooking skills, fine, but then, throw in some fish butchering, fastest chicken breakdown, perfect sauce making, etc. Crabcakes vs. souffle hardly seems fair.

Some stream of consciousness about the Elimination challenge:

WTF is wrong with Andrew? Why is he so angry and bitter? And he's making a foam... And Nimma? What the hell? Cauliflower custard with Shrimp Scampi?! Bitch is going home. And now cauliflower scramble?

Ha! Mayonnaise-gate!

TONY BOURDAIN!!! TONY BOURDAIN!! Just as "No Reservations" ends, "Top Chef" begins! Well played, Bravo!

(Side bar about the commercial for Top Chef on the Bravo website - Ted Allen, you can teach me how to make baby back ribs anytime...yes, I know he's gay, I still love him).

Duck:
Mark - Asian Duck (in pieces) - Tony's confused. Why would Mark assume that the group of people judging his food wouldn't like something? Don't they all basically eat everything? And, even if they didn't like it, isn't it their job to taste and critique everything?
Stephanis - Asian - Not reconstructed. She won because she mixed her food together. It did look good, though.

Crab Cakes:
Andrew - Traditional, "amalgamation" I think he's on crack. The loser. He also uses douche-y words like "cat" and "badass."
Richard - Apples and Brussels sprouts (blargh - not my favorite thing to think of with crabcakes). Winner.

Lasagna:
Jennifer - N. Italian, Autumn vegetables (didn't they film this in the summer)? Looks good. Lost on the undercooked rutabaga. So close.
Nikki - classic with homemade pasta and sheep's milk cheese. I'm impressed with her ability to make pasta and cook the whole dish in 45 minutes. Strong work!

(Note from last night - This whole thing is too rushed - I can't even get a sense of what they cooked, what it looks like or even what the judges thought. I looks like the judges don't really care, either)

Shrimp Scampi:
Antonia - YUMO! Tomatoes with shrimp and garlic. Winner! Wow. That looked GOOD!
Nimma - Cauliflower, blach (we already discussed this before...but I really, really hate cauliflower and the thought of mixing it with shrimp scampi makes me violently ill). Over salted - she's clearly going home.

Poached Eggs:
Spike - eggs and mushrooms and lemongrass...blah. Loser.
Lisa - YUM!!!!! bacon and lobster and egg. Winner!

Steak au Poivre:
Dale - Why are there little pieces of steak everywhere" Oh, wait, are those the "traditional and non-traditional garnishes?" Winner!
Manuel - YUMMMM!!! cilantro and scallion sauce. EFF the judges! Cilantro and steak is delicious! Loser.

Chicken Picatta
Ryan - chicken piccata traditional. OK, he clearly said Chicken "JEW," not chicken jus. Bigger loser of a pair of losers. Why would you bread chicken piccata (thanks, PW!) Ugh. And he's a drama queen....whining about how he's been cooking in restaurants since he was 11 - way to circumvent child-labor laws, Dad.
Valerie - Orange chicken piccata? Yuk. Winner, but still a loser.

Souffle (oh the drama):
Erik - cheese souffle with salsa LOSER!! Ha! Glorified Nachos, is right!
Zoi - sweet rice pudding WINNER!
I did think it was cute when they were both so excited about their souffles actually rising in the oven.

Yeah, that's way too many dishes to get through...I don't know how the judges did it. Well, Rocco I get, man-ho is getting kind of chunky around the middle, there...

For the overall winner and loser:
I think my favorite part about this portion of the show, was how Padma came into the waiting area looking so solemn, to ask for the top four chefs. I guess she didn't realize they already knew they were the winners. Maybe all that weed has killed more brain cells than she'd like to admit. Also, I could have sworn she said, "most favoritest" but that may have been wishful thinking on my part. Of the top 4 chefs, I do think Stephanie did the best. Her dish looked awesome and it clearly tasted good, so great for her. I hope she's really as sweet and talented as she appears to be after just this one episode, plus, added bonus, Harold and Ilan (shudder) both won the first Elimination challenge in their respective seasons, so maybe she has a shot? My only issue is that she doesn't seem to have won a prize...or maybe they just cut that part out for time. I hope she got a library of autographed Anthony Bourdain books, handed to her by the man himself. That's the best prize ever. Except for Season 3 when Casey won the laptop.

The four losers, I think it was fair. They all clearly deserved to be called out for their food, although, this is what I wrote last night, "if the souffle guy goes home, I'm not going to watch anymore. It's not fair to punish the guy for making a crappy souffle that none of the other chefs could have made anyway, let alone any of the judges." That would have been completely ridiculous. If they had all made souffles and his sucked the worst, then fair, but just because he was picked last he has to suffer over that souffle and go home? not right. I think the judges were actually pretty nice, too. even when they were ripping apart the food, they weren't mean about it...I guess it's still early, they have a lot of pissiness to get to, I'm sure.


Also, this is somewhat related and hysterical, but only if you've watched Top Chef for a while. Which would make you like me.
I'm sorry.

*Is that an upgrade? Didn't they have Rav-4s last season? Fancy.
** Did anyone else notice a profusion of Eff-bombs throughout the episode? I think they should stop with the bleeping and just move this bitch to HBO.

Yeah, so, OK....

I'm having a bit of an issue here at AbS, in that, I have lots of stuff to do, however, I wanted to remind everyone (by everyone, I mean the two people who read this blog - one of them being me) to watch "Top Chef" tonight. It's the premier of Season 4 and they're in a fantastic place to cook and eat - Chicago, or "Chi-Town" as I sometimes call it, mostly to my own detriment. Perhaps if my exam goes well tonight and I actually figure out what's wrong with my SAS program I'll even blog about it.

Don't worry - the Otto blog is coming soon, too. Also, for those of you who didn't catch it, check out the season finale of "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations." He and Eric Ripert cooked at his old work place, Les Halles, and it was basically made of awesome. I almost felt badly for Tony when he realized he couldn't read the tickets...and Eric was all kinds of hot.

That's all. Sorry I have to study and work...blogging is much more fun.

Alcohol Please. Alcohol Please. Can We Get Many Drinks?

Live Blogging Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - "Romania"

I love the letters of the "parental discretion advised" sign being impaled upon one another.

Opening - Bucharest
The crying child seems appropriate - didn't Tony have a bad steam room experience with Zamir before? I love tall and gangly Tony and short and pudgy Zamir wandering around Romania - I feel like they should do a jig. I think I would like Romania, it looks harsh and Eastern European, kind of like me. Oh no, the government wants to take Tony down. Ha, I like Zamir trying to hit on the border guard lady...wow, Tony's pissy. I can't believe he said he'd prevent Romania from having to deal with tourists. Now he's sprinting away from Zamir. Zamir will never catch up to him, I think Tony's legs are twice as long.

Old Bucharest-style meal: Dancing! Local music (you know what that means for Tony)! Flaming dishes and staffs! A giant blue lady wants to talk to Tony - I SO need her hat! Agh! A whole pig! Yummy. I wish Tony would just rip into that mofo with his hands...oh, wait, he is. Dude, they totally picked every ounce of meat off that pig.

Second Act - Communism is funny
Meat on a stick (and beer) in Bucharest - specifically mutton, beef, and pork. The trifecta of meats. Maybe add some Jamon Iberico for the quarfecta (?) of meats? Aah...now I get it, the country was ruled by a psychotic despot, now the starkness of the landscape is clear. Uh oh - a communist dictator trying to negotiate with an angry mob never ends well. And look at that, it didn't. See that kids, it never pays to be a megalomaniac ruler of a small, Eastern European country.

Moral of the episode: Communism is good for humor.

Samir is laughing maniacally and wants Tony to pretend buy Dracula's castle so they can get a good tour of the place. Tony's scared. I think the landscape is awesome-looking. Nice! They're visiting Dracula's castle on Halloween!

Third Act - Dracula's Castle (in which he never lived)
Zamir is becoming "increasingly unhinged." Wow. It's $100 million to buy the castle. I don't think Travel Channel pays Tony enough for that. Haha! Tony asked if fat people ever got lodged in the narrow hallway. Brilliant! It's actually pretty cool looking. And you get the furniture, too! The view is nice - good for parties and BBQs. Romanians like Dracula! It was the Germans who made him mean...or, maybe he was always mean, but the Romanians still like him. Oh, balls, Dracula didn't even live in the castle. Too sad.

Nice. Tony has to stay at a "Motel 6/Rennaisance Faire" Baby Hotel. Ha! He has a knife though his head! Nice - they're drinking "Dracula's blood wine." I feel like this hotel is kind of the Romanian version of South of the Border. "Can we get many drinks?" At least Zamir is having fun...why do we have to see people make out? Why do we have to see Tony fake vomit? I'm really confused about this knighting ceremony...and it makes me more angry that I'm upset I can't understand it. Sometimes I think the producers like to put Tony in the most ridiculous situations ever, just to see how irate he can get. He's always the most fun when he's surly...kind of like a BMG I know.

Nice! Hawaii next week! Oh! He pays 3K for a shirt and gets surly about it!

Fourth Act - Zamir steals honey and a car
The Dacia - still better than a Jetta. Apparently it's now shadily rented and musical entertainment has been secured. Wow. How does Tony fit in that thing? "Put it in H! Put it in H!" "It can go 100 hectres on one tank of kerosene." ("The Simpsons," anyone?)

Finding local food - Cafe Astoria. Man-folk and liquor made from plums. Vladamir explains communism. OOH! Soup with sour cream and potatoes, oooooh, baby. (drool) Oh, pork belly! (drool)

A stop off at a graveyard. This is too great! They actually carve the way the person died onto their tombstone! Then the caretaker writes each person's accomplishments underneath. Like a little man with a cigarette holding a bottle of wine and a saying underneath that explains booze and cancer sticks were the end of him. Wow! We need that in America - all the pictures would be people eating French fries and crashing their SUVs while talking on cell phones.

Fifth Act - It ain't a party til somebody kills a pig
The Dacia lives up to it's Jetta-like legacy and breaks. Pushing a car through Romania, then hitching a ride on a horse-drawn cart to get to the butcher! Oh no, Zamir hurt his back. Apparently the Dacia strikes again. This really is a lovely countryside. Victor the butcher gives them some kind of local distilled spirit! The bucolic setting quickly degenerates into a dead pig, a drunken Zamir laying on the floor under a picnic table, and Tony feeding him illegal (in the U.S.) prescription drugs. I don't think Tony should be encouraging him to drink while all drugged up. Poor Zamir. He's trying to give a Mussolini-like speech...pounding on the table and yelling! I like how Tony shipped him off with an unlucky producer to the hotel.

You know what, I think I could live without all the shots of pig innards and the small child ripping off pieces of uncooked pig carcass to eat.

Sixth Act - Zamir sobers up and drinks some more
This food looks incredibly delicious.
Polenta with sausage
Braised stuffed cabbage
Lots of pork

Zamir is rambling on unintelligibly. Tony apparently agrees with me. He's toasting again. Zamir keeps toasting...but the music's starting - you know that means a montage of Tony doing shots with Zamir. Haha! Tony got Zamir a headstone from the Merry Cemetery for his 50th birthday. It has Zamir and bottle. Classic. And we're out with a nice shot of Tony drinking local liquor and Zamir (once again) working the phrase "no reservations" into the conversation. Good Times! I can't wait for Hawaii next week...

I'm middle-aged for God's sake.

OK, no live blog of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - Jamaica today (sorry to the one person who reads the live blog), I just had an exam and am relaxing with a glass of wine, but I'm watching it - and seriously. WTF??! How did they make them do this? The cave is disgusting and the roaches make me want to vomit. Who does this? Why would someone voluntarily go into that cave? This truly is the worst thing they've EVER made him do for this show.


Oh my God! What is that crazed cat? It looks insane. Like Bernie the cat after he sees BMG's face.

If I ever was forced to enter that cave, I would run out screaming and burn the clothes I had on, directly off my body.


Also, I like how they couldn't touch the water in that river for fear of parasites.

Ooh! Romania next week!

Deer Heads, Pigs Heads, and Michael Caine

Live Blogging Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - "London and Edinburgh"

Opener: Yay! Looks like Tony's going to be slaughtering some kind of wildebeast!

Clapham, London:
Hanging out with a member of...some band. The greatest band since the Ramones. I have no idea what he said. Nevermind. Something better: Tony recorded an album? Apparently it's a spoken word album. Sorry, it's a short story he recorded. My bad. Although, it's kind of like Tony rapping. To some funky beats. I'm totally going to buy it. Let's go check on Amazon...

Tony knows where to stay and eat in London - he seems less surly here. Oh, Fish and Chips! Oh, the thesis of the episode has been revealed: He's here to prove the food in England doesn't suck. I believe you Tony. At least you have a thesis, it's better than soem scientists we know.

Hanging with Marco Pierre White (side note: I was literally JUST reading an article about him the other day...this is weird - Tony's in my head). He's was Tony's hero because he looked like a drunken, strung-out bastard, just as Tony did when he was working at Les Halles (or maybe another restaurant, they didn't specify - I'll try to figure out the timeline laster). Marco says he made cooking sexy.* Then he retired. Wow. England is beautiful. Let's go and wander about the countryside, drinking and frolicking about. Marco went on sabbatical to the countryside and used the fruits of the meadow to create new, yet classic combinations. Oh, Tony's got a gun!!!!! He missed the deer. Marco shot something and now is rubbing blood on Tony's head. Hot.

Now they're in Marco's restaurant - getting into the wine cellar...oh, yeah! MMMM....quail eggs. Venison. Lots of old-world dishes, "old-fashioned skills." HAHAHAHAHA! Marco brought the deer head out on plate for Tony to look at while he eats the fresh liver! Tasty!

Soho, London:
Hazlitt's - Tony's favorite boutique hotel. Everything is slightly askew. It looks awesome - I want to go stay there and write a novel. Did he just sign someone else's book and put it back on the book shelf? Oh, no time for that now, he's heading to a member's only basement club. Crazy, blue suit, poet-guy is reciting poetry, and kind of flailing about. Ha, Tony said "wanker," as in acting like a drunken jackass. Now he's wandering around with blue suit guy. He's telling Tony about the brothels in Soho...and he kind of looks excited. Something about spanking and loin cloths...I kind of tuned it out. Can you just wander around the streets with open containers of liquor? Wow. Yes! Let's go to England now! Open containers AND beautiful countryside! Tony's bashing Starbucks...time for a fade out to a new locations.

Massive butchershop (Smithfield)! Pig head! Blood! Guts! Offal! Holy crap! That's the biggest pig's liver ever! I think it's as big as me. Giant saw to fabricate meat! It must smell horrible there - I think they actually just sent the camera crew, no Tony...he was probably too hungover from his night of drinking with Marco (maybe blue suit guy?) to deal with the smell of decaying flesh.

Back from commercial and back to Smithfield - oh, here's where Tony comes in - he meets them for breakfast. Oh God. It looks so good! Meat. Sausage. Eggs. An early morning pint or two. The butchers are wearing their bloody smocks in the restaurant. That's kind of gross...and mostly gross because it's unsanitary.

AGH!!! Fergus! Henderson!!! "Nose to Tail!" Tony hearts him! OK, back to the food...bone marrow smeared on bread. Oh...there's the culinary word of the hour, "unctuous." Bowl of pig's head. English bloodcake topped with a fried egg. Tony has apparently entered a new plane of existence. He just keeps cursing. Fergus keeps talking about where England went wrong. It's because of the loss of seasonal cooking and basic good taste. I 100% agree.

Commercial break - Tony's in Jamaica next week. This had the worst shoot Tony ever did. According to his blog.

Back from commercial and back to the recording studio - drinking Guiness and recording. All about Michael Caine! He's having problems getting the inflection right. Now he's relating Michael Caine's movie, "Get Carter." to England's poor culinary reputation and his search to find legitimate food in England. And now he's moving on to Scotland. I like the trifecta split screen the editors have going on here. Especially the art-y closeup of Tony's face in the sunlight.

Edinburgh:
It is a beautiful city. Good call, Tony. In a pub. Drinking a pint. I'm sensing a theme for the show...Gosh, it IS a gorgeous city. Wow. I really need to get my flabby ass to Europe.

Leith, Edinburgh:
Food (at some shady street stand-type thing): Deep-fried haggis!! Fish and chips! Some kind of red, sugary liquid! King Rib! Even better, none of them know what it is...is it "hamster meat?" I'm betting on leftover bits of meat from an American meat farm, you know, the bits of the meat McDonald's won't put into their nuggets (yeah, I know, shut it, guys. I like the nuggets, too...especially with BBQ sauce).
Things Tony learned so far:
a) Batter is a main course!
b) No matter what the food shaped like a rib is, people will eat it!

More food: Seafood! Leith is keeping their own seafood instead of selling it all to other places. The Kitchin. True (and delicious) Scottish cuisine. Sea Urchin! Foie with scorched haggis! The ubiquitous Pig's head! Grouse! Langostein! Diver scallops! The explanation of crappy Scottish food - convenience food is too easy. Hmmm....sound like somewhere else we know? But, The Kitchin is bringing back local delicious food, now with one Michelin star!

Sum up: Where did things go wrong? How did we forget about legitimate food and taste? And a parting shot of the gorgeous vista. And Tony's album....


*Just like you're bringing sexy back, PW?

The Lamb is Good, the Liquor is Deadly

Live Blogging Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - "Greek Islands"

I'm loving the relaxing sound of small waves splashing against the shore instead of the usual music.
Crete:
So far Anthony's insulted most of the Greek population, calling their Mousaka disgusting, the people fat, and saying it looks like a Dress Barn exploded onto the entire population. I'm excited to see the aftermath of this episode.

OK, first meal looks delicious, lots of lemon, olive oil, lime, greens, and INNARDS!! Tony's (not so much my) favorite. I think he might be in trouble, though...that Raki looks deadly. Now he's just doing shots and eating lamb...uh oh, the entertainment (live music) is starting. Abort Mission, Tony, ABORT! Anytime Tony's hosts start with the live music and copious amounts of liquor, morning after takes an ugly turn. He's not listening...too late. Well, at least he looks like he's having a good time.

Next day, he's referencing "blowing chunks" and calls the coffee "crunchy." Rough night, much? He's going on some type of field trip...oh, wait, they're going to slaughter a sheep! Good Times! (I can't look, oh, it's not too bad, wait, maybe it is...no, it's bad...no, it's OK, yes, maybe...yeah, um, NO!. It's OK). Now they're skewering that mofo and grilling him up, including a special delicacy, small intestine stuffed with spleen. Oh, they busted out the Raki!! Tony looks thrilled. They literally have the Raki in one of those plastic containers you have to use when you transport gasoline. The insulting starts again - he calls the Raki antifreeze! Now, they're shooting firearms, doing some kind of a jig, and playing music...looks like another rough night. Why do all the men just hang out together, drink and dance?

Apparently the Germans stripped Greece of any and all food after WWII, the people could only survive on greens. Apparently, they did and now are the focus of numerous nutritional studies. Wow. This family dinner looks tremendous. They're actually just plucking greens from the ground and cooking them. Delicious.

Oh! The sea urchin! Raw! Ha! An old man is feeding him bread with olive oil. What's with the HoYay in this episode? Oh, great, they're giving him more Rika. He just said, "kissing the night goodbye." Good call, Tony. Maybe the greens will save you...yeah, not so much, the music is starting - a cell phone ringtone. Surly Tony's back! He just called Rika "battery acid wall."

The making of phyllo:
Flour, water and oil. Roll that bitch out as thin as you can. Use for a thick breakfast - fill with ricotta-like cheese. Bake. Eat. Take nap. The warning against smoking sign, with the package of cigarettes with syringe and bottle = Tony's early years! Ha!

The Trip to the Ionian Islands:
Tony + guide have a deep, philosophical discussion about Greek mentality (live everyday to its last, all-or-nothing mentality) and beautiful (obligatory) shots of the sunset over the ocean.There we go...Tony's sleeping off the cheese-filled phyllo. Oh, score! Looks like bigger firearms are coming up!

Ionian Islands:
Quail hunting! (Wait, this reminds me of something:

)

Tony with gun! Dog Caesar! Oh holy crap! That quail exploded when Tony shot it. Like Randy Johnson pitching into that bird...literally a pile of feathers and nothing else left.

Ah, the ubiquitous local meal. With INNARDS! Stuffed spleen! Rabbits they chase around in the backyard, trap and kill! What's with the excessive animal slaughter? What's our tally now? Sheep, quail, rabbit, and I guess we can count that sea urchin they ripped open straight out of the water. Ha! Tony's hunting skills are being questioned. Seemingly, there wasn't enough left of the bird after he shot it to make a meal. Hey, wait, why aren't they drinking some kind of battery-acid alcohol with some kind of animal intestine or frog carcass decaying inside? This might be the first time during this show there was no disgusting liquor. Or dancing.

Shipwreck Beach:
More music! And dancing! More killing! An octopus has been dispatched. Oh GOD, that fish stew looks amazing! Oh whatever, the whole meal looks amazing. More dancing! Frolicking! More Rika! At least there aren't any firearms around...

I'm so depressed. Let's go to Greece right now. What's better than lemon, olive oil, bitter greens, and fish so fresh they actually squeeze the lemon over themselves before you eat them?