Alcohol Please. Alcohol Please. Can We Get Many Drinks?

Live Blogging Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations - "Romania"

I love the letters of the "parental discretion advised" sign being impaled upon one another.

Opening - Bucharest
The crying child seems appropriate - didn't Tony have a bad steam room experience with Zamir before? I love tall and gangly Tony and short and pudgy Zamir wandering around Romania - I feel like they should do a jig. I think I would like Romania, it looks harsh and Eastern European, kind of like me. Oh no, the government wants to take Tony down. Ha, I like Zamir trying to hit on the border guard lady...wow, Tony's pissy. I can't believe he said he'd prevent Romania from having to deal with tourists. Now he's sprinting away from Zamir. Zamir will never catch up to him, I think Tony's legs are twice as long.

Old Bucharest-style meal: Dancing! Local music (you know what that means for Tony)! Flaming dishes and staffs! A giant blue lady wants to talk to Tony - I SO need her hat! Agh! A whole pig! Yummy. I wish Tony would just rip into that mofo with his hands...oh, wait, he is. Dude, they totally picked every ounce of meat off that pig.

Second Act - Communism is funny
Meat on a stick (and beer) in Bucharest - specifically mutton, beef, and pork. The trifecta of meats. Maybe add some Jamon Iberico for the quarfecta (?) of meats? Aah...now I get it, the country was ruled by a psychotic despot, now the starkness of the landscape is clear. Uh oh - a communist dictator trying to negotiate with an angry mob never ends well. And look at that, it didn't. See that kids, it never pays to be a megalomaniac ruler of a small, Eastern European country.

Moral of the episode: Communism is good for humor.

Samir is laughing maniacally and wants Tony to pretend buy Dracula's castle so they can get a good tour of the place. Tony's scared. I think the landscape is awesome-looking. Nice! They're visiting Dracula's castle on Halloween!

Third Act - Dracula's Castle (in which he never lived)
Zamir is becoming "increasingly unhinged." Wow. It's $100 million to buy the castle. I don't think Travel Channel pays Tony enough for that. Haha! Tony asked if fat people ever got lodged in the narrow hallway. Brilliant! It's actually pretty cool looking. And you get the furniture, too! The view is nice - good for parties and BBQs. Romanians like Dracula! It was the Germans who made him mean...or, maybe he was always mean, but the Romanians still like him. Oh, balls, Dracula didn't even live in the castle. Too sad.

Nice. Tony has to stay at a "Motel 6/Rennaisance Faire" Baby Hotel. Ha! He has a knife though his head! Nice - they're drinking "Dracula's blood wine." I feel like this hotel is kind of the Romanian version of South of the Border. "Can we get many drinks?" At least Zamir is having fun...why do we have to see people make out? Why do we have to see Tony fake vomit? I'm really confused about this knighting ceremony...and it makes me more angry that I'm upset I can't understand it. Sometimes I think the producers like to put Tony in the most ridiculous situations ever, just to see how irate he can get. He's always the most fun when he's surly...kind of like a BMG I know.

Nice! Hawaii next week! Oh! He pays 3K for a shirt and gets surly about it!

Fourth Act - Zamir steals honey and a car
The Dacia - still better than a Jetta. Apparently it's now shadily rented and musical entertainment has been secured. Wow. How does Tony fit in that thing? "Put it in H! Put it in H!" "It can go 100 hectres on one tank of kerosene." ("The Simpsons," anyone?)

Finding local food - Cafe Astoria. Man-folk and liquor made from plums. Vladamir explains communism. OOH! Soup with sour cream and potatoes, oooooh, baby. (drool) Oh, pork belly! (drool)

A stop off at a graveyard. This is too great! They actually carve the way the person died onto their tombstone! Then the caretaker writes each person's accomplishments underneath. Like a little man with a cigarette holding a bottle of wine and a saying underneath that explains booze and cancer sticks were the end of him. Wow! We need that in America - all the pictures would be people eating French fries and crashing their SUVs while talking on cell phones.

Fifth Act - It ain't a party til somebody kills a pig
The Dacia lives up to it's Jetta-like legacy and breaks. Pushing a car through Romania, then hitching a ride on a horse-drawn cart to get to the butcher! Oh no, Zamir hurt his back. Apparently the Dacia strikes again. This really is a lovely countryside. Victor the butcher gives them some kind of local distilled spirit! The bucolic setting quickly degenerates into a dead pig, a drunken Zamir laying on the floor under a picnic table, and Tony feeding him illegal (in the U.S.) prescription drugs. I don't think Tony should be encouraging him to drink while all drugged up. Poor Zamir. He's trying to give a Mussolini-like speech...pounding on the table and yelling! I like how Tony shipped him off with an unlucky producer to the hotel.

You know what, I think I could live without all the shots of pig innards and the small child ripping off pieces of uncooked pig carcass to eat.

Sixth Act - Zamir sobers up and drinks some more
This food looks incredibly delicious.
Polenta with sausage
Braised stuffed cabbage
Lots of pork

Zamir is rambling on unintelligibly. Tony apparently agrees with me. He's toasting again. Zamir keeps toasting...but the music's starting - you know that means a montage of Tony doing shots with Zamir. Haha! Tony got Zamir a headstone from the Merry Cemetery for his 50th birthday. It has Zamir and bottle. Classic. And we're out with a nice shot of Tony drinking local liquor and Zamir (once again) working the phrase "no reservations" into the conversation. Good Times! I can't wait for Hawaii next week...